Sunday Stealing - The Green Meme

My first time to "steal" along...

1. What is your current obsession? Seasons past of Sex and the City.

2. What's a good coffee place? Personally, any Starbucks but the break room of where I work usually has a good crowd around 7 am.

3. Who was the last person you hugged? Danny.

4. Do you nap a lot? I like to nap on Saturday & Sunday between the hours of 1pm-4pm.

5. Tonight, what's for dinner? Dinner was "out" tonight - Outback Steak House.

6. What was the last thing you bought? Dinner - out.

7. What is your favorite weather? Super cold & rainy.

8. Tell us something about one blogger who will play this week. I am gonna go out way out on a limb and pick Rich...and the man loves an evening cocktail.

9. If you were given a free house that was full furnished, where in the world would you like it to be? Next to, in front of or behind my parent's home.

10. Name three things you could not live without. My mother, handbags, kisses on the forehead.

11. What would you like in your hands right now? Someone special.

12. What's one of your guilty pleasures? Nikki Sixx

13. What would you change or eliminate about yourself? Self doubt, believing I am the cause of so many problems.

14. As a child, what type of career did you want? Lawyer, truck driver, country music singer...I know, I know.

15. What are you missing right now? Someone special.

16. What are you currently reading? The Bitch in the House.

17. What do you fear the most? Hell.

18. What's the best movie you've seen recently? P.S. I Love You.

19. What's your favorite book from the past year? The Heroine Diaries & The Dirt

20. Is there still a comfort food from your childhood that you still enjoy? Hunts Chocolate Pudding Snack Packs & fried chicken.

Look What I Found

Early in the AM, I was trying to decipher a dream for a friend. As I was thumbing through my dream book, 1,001 Dreams, I found a piece of paper with this written on it:

My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived,
But I forget what is behind,
And I struggle for what is ahead.

Lord, help me to give to you those things I need to get over. Really give them to you, then let go and get over them today. Amen.

I had forgotten I had written this in a very low point in my life and tucked it away several years ago. Today I needed a little something and look what I have found....

Post - Do Over

Once upon a time in a life long ago, someone told me they admired me because I wasn't afraid of anything. Today, older but really none the wiser, I realize I am afraid. I am afraid of many things such as:

1. Spiders
2. Heights
3. Not being loved
4. Wearing white after Labor Day
5. Losing my teeth
6. Not getting into Heaven
7. Bad Chinese
8. Public speaking
9. My mother dying
10. Meeting Nikki Sixx and not knowing I have spinach in my teeth (actually anything other than his tongue would be a tragedy.)
11. Stone washed jeans returning to the world of fashion
12. Living my life without forgiveness for the people I have hurt or not being able to forgive the people who have hurt me

With age comes many things into our life and one of those things that is coming for me is the ability to be more careful and more insightful before I open my mouth, my heart or my hand.

Orignally posted - September '08 - Scaredy Cat

Gimme That Dollar

As I drug myself out of bed this morning at 4:45 am, I couldn't help but wonder who was I really getting out of bed for. That got me to thinking about money and how the majority of us chases that little green monster called the dollar which snowballs into chasing another and another. Some of us are lucky enough to catch one, others not so much. Usually by the time I have caught one it's already spent. I don't live above my means. My car and home are modest. I don't get regular mani/pedi's and it doesn't cost a fortune to get my hair done (not yet anyway). The only splurge I have is handbags. My former bag purchase routinely was two new glorious pieces a year. Last year I was able to eek out five fantastic couture handbags. In my mind that means I have arrived. I am no longer confined to hoarding mad cash, pacing back and forth in front of a glass case to not so eagerly hand it over to a woman wearing a starched black suit, in school marm shoes with a perfect coiffure. I can leisurely browse and then buy when the new season's styles roll in (in a fit of fury, of course). Crazy for some. Completely sane for others.

So who do I work for? Louis Vuitton? Kate Spade? Nah, I do it all for myself...

Little Nikki

As many of you may know I have a thing for rock stars. Well, just one really. Okay, maybe two or three but my heart and other body organs lies with just one. Black hair, tattoos, massive amounts of eyeliner, leather, chains and a jewelry collection that would make a man of God cry is my trend of rocker. As I've allowed myself to leave the world of Motley Crue just to dip my toes into the realm of other screamers, I've discovered Papa Roach. And what to my discovering eyes should appear? A vision in black with tattooed ears. The lead guy, Jacoby Shaddix, closely resembles Nikki Sixx. Surely I thought this some type of trickery, a back-up Nikki? It only gets better from there (sans his wife and kids). He is 18 years Nikki's junior which puts us in the same age box. Just look at his sweet little fingers - already tattooed with LOVE. Oh how the heaven's have shone down on me and now have lit the way. *sigh*

"Don't worry Nikki, I would never stray from you, you have my heart and I have your eyeliner"...

Tickety Tockety

The world turns regardless of any quandary in my life. Circular and floating she spins right on schedule. Would I really want the the world to stop and witness my life falling apart? Not even sure I would want it stop and watch it come together. Thus brings me to my thought today - a family member of mine (10 yrs younger than I) just found out today she is "expecting". While I should be happy for her (and I am) I can't help but feel innately jealous. I don't know why jealousy finds me as often as it does, but it rears its little green head more often than not. I have the same equipment as my cousin does but have chosen not to take it out of the box. In short, I've kept it hidden in my closet with my baseball card collection, circa 1992. The likeness between the two - the players no longer play the game and my uterus never got off the bench. So I make this statement to myself as I round third base and head toward home plate, - "Oh my, you are so not ready to have a child or oh yes, the time is now".

Ever notice the similarity between a uterus and home plate? Coincidence? I think not.

I Use To Be A Ms.'s

My cell phone rang, I answered it. On the other end of the line was my auntie. Dear, sweet auntie Dianne. She said she was just calling to tell me that she was wearing the dress that she wore to my wedding some years back. Why she deemed it necessary to do so I didn't ask but I thanked her gladly for calling and dredging up a painful memory. Not that I had to dig to far down to find it, but that is not the point. My mind allows me to think of my days of being a bride more than it should. It needs not a piece of clothing to sling me into fits of remembrance.

I was married roughly 3 years. I use the term roughly because I was "released" two weeks shy of my third wedding anniversary. Being "released" has been the gift that has kept on giving. It has kept on giving me sleepless nights, itchy fingers sifting through old photos and plenty of thoughts of what might have been. In case your wondering, I am no longer in love with former groom and no longer in awe with the idea of being a Ms.'s either. The former groom has moved on and if I am a favorite in the eye of God, is living miserably and uncomfortably with his new wife. I know I shouldn't wish dire unhappiness upon someone but I believe its warranted in this case due the fact that he sent me directly into a life filled further with self-doubt and self-hatred. I did learn to pick my own battles. I also learned that cooler heads prevail in any situation, but I would never dare say thank you to former groom for those gifts or would I?

"Thank you, thank you very much for all you have given to me".

Do I Have Plenty?

En route to a social function today I passed the Harley Davidson store. As soon as it was in site I thought of Uncle Steve, a biker of sorts. He is not necessarily today my uncle, as he and my mother's sister divorced many years back, but in my mind he will always be Uncle Steve. The thought of him threw me into thoughts of his mother, Ms. Miller, who passed away a couple of years ago in a car accident. As I thought of her passing I pondered Uncle Steve's ties to Alabama and how he doesn't really have any anymore. If I lived in Maine and my mother passed away (whom still lives in the deep south) I would never pass this way again. Once more I thought of Ms. Miller. She had three children, 7 grand kids and possibly as many great grand kids. The reason for the wonderment was did she live/have a full life because of her family? As I thought about this longer than I should, I wondered if my life was going to be lackluster in the end because I didn't spread my proverbial seed. My stand on having children teeters between having none and having one, maybe two (the old fashioned way).

While at my social soiree, a couple had brought their children. One of the kids was a 13 month old girl. Too cute for words really. I held this little human, shared crackers (that she thought I also needed to eat, so we both had crackers all over our face), fed her a jar of pears, oooh'd and aahhh'd as she cooed while being tickled and swung onto my hip like a spider monkey. In doing all of this I thought of the hyporcrite I really am. If someone asks me why I don't have kids, I simply say "I don't like them" or "ack, I mow my own grass", but if you had seen me in motion with munchin in question, you would have thought that little girl was mine. Is that wrong?

I wonder if I never have children, will I have plenty in my life?

Tolerance

Yesterday I thought indifference was the worst thing in a relationship. Today I think it's tolerance. What makes one person lose their cool may keep another at bay. I'd say I am very tolerant. Tolerant of many things such as bad hair days, Nikki Sixx & Kat Von D's relationship, the evening news - and many people - Wal-Mart employees, bad drivers and Kat Von D. Will there come a time in my life when I say "enough is enough", when my tolerant stand becomes limited?

Is tolerance a good trait to have? The verdict is still out.

Me Thinks - More Random Thoughts & Ideas

Alas, the mind needs to go awry and the fingers must jolt into action...

Is there just ONE for every someone?

Why does it take so long to find that ONE?

Does happily ever after really exist?

Were the Allman Brothers stoned when they wrote Melissa?

Who determined red was a power color?

Why is the mullet called a mullet, why not a grouper? (the haircut, not the fish)

Why did Eve have to eat that stupid apple? (stupid girl, stupid head, I hate apples)

Always waiting for tomorrow, why can't it happen today?

Will "big hair" return? For those who do not understand history are destined to repeat it?


Light, inhale, roll the flavor, exhale...ahhhhhh.

Life Begins Anew

Today in a cold examining room I pillaged through a candy bowl chocked fill of mini Snicker and Twix chocolates. Next to the bowl was a short stack of books. I quickly scanned the titles and chose a book titled The Meaning of Life by Bradley Trevor Greive. The book, small and green, was filled with silly pictures of animals with great inspiration written beneath each picture. As I began to read through the book, not yet inspired, discovered the book offered "punches" to help you begin the life you have so sought. The very one that you put on the back burner. As I continued to read my chest puffed up a little and my hunched over position became a little taller and thought I can surely put into motion what I really want to do. Then I happened across a page with this question --What do you truly love? -- I couldn't answer the question. Assuming the answer is different for everyone and deeper than a new handbag or John Stamos' hair, I felt lost. Another kuwinkidink about finding this book was that someone just recently made this comment to me and I quote "it seems like I am always waiting for my life to begin". What do you say to that? When does our life begin? At our first breath or is it when we discover that every second that ticks away brings us closer to our unavoidable fate and then realize this is OUR life, it's gonna roll by pretty quick, so do what you love, love what you do, if you know what that love is?

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose". - Robert Byrne

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet". -- Emily Dickinson

"Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours"? --- Roy H. Williams

"He who has nothing to die for has nothing to live for". ---- Morrocan Proverb

Words

The English dictionary is full of fun words that I rarely use. Either the definition doesn't fit the situation or I have forgotten the word all together. One word that I rarely use but is fun to say because of the pronunciation is indicative [in-dik-uh-tiv]. When this word rolls of my tongue, I must say I feel quite educated even though its not really an educated word. Another word is miff(mĭf) or miffed. I actually used this particular word this morning due to a co-worker assuming because I didn't watch the news I couldn't carry on a conversation about a current event involving NFL players and a boat - der der der, I thought as I strapped on my pink safety helmet.

Medicinal [muh-dis-uh-nl] is a very good term when you are attempting to explain the gallon of vodka seat belted in your back seat, use of it even makes you sound smarter than you really are. However, trying to say medicinal while inoxicated may sound something like "maydidinkul".

Finally that brings me to googootz [guh-goo-tz], slang Italian term of endearment meaning zucchini and gabbagool [gah-bah-goo-uhl], which is guido speak for dried capicola -- "Hey Vito, you fat googootz, did you eat my gabbagool?".

Broaden your literary loquaciousness and use some new words!

I Do!

The arena was full. The crowd was buzzing and ready. The lights went down & the curtain came up. *Thump, thump, thump, thump* Pyrotechnics began and the crusaders of the glam metal revolution appeared. Nikki to the left, Tommy in the middle, Vince everywhere & Mick "Fucking" Mars to the right. The music was loud and the views on the big screen were raunchy as ever.

I never sat down, screamed, cried, fake whistled, jumped up down for two hours and was exhausted. As I was pondering leaving, a uniformed man with a flashlight tapped my shoulder and said come with me. He led me through the crowd, to the back of the stage. At the back of the stage was a curtain. He drew the curtain to one side and there it shone in all its glory ---- the biggest, blinging skull and cross bone ring I had ever seen. I asked "what is this all about?". The man pointed to the ring and said "go to it". I moved toward the ring and noticed a note and recognized the handwriting immediately. The note read "Kimberly, you've waited for this moment for a long time and the time is now. Wear this ring and I will call you onto the stage in a moment. Be ready. XOXO Nikki". I swooned for a moment and gained my composure. I teased my hair and applied fresh lipstick. Then I heard the voice and I was called onto the stage. A spotlight shone on both of us as Nikki got down on one knee and asked me "will you apply my black eyeliner for the rest of your life?". Nervously but very enthusiastically I said "fuck yes!!". The crowd roared as Mick rocked us out to Here Comes the Bride.

Then, I woke up....

Tips Of Her Fingers

Once upon a time in a placed filled with debauchery and chaos there was a girl, Stacy, who lived a big hair dream. The big hair dream involved black hair dye, lots of Aqua Net and the desire for a man with the name of Sixx. One day the box office opened and tickets for a grand gala went on sale. As Stacy sold her favorite leather pants autographed by Yngwie Malsteen and her fanciest skull ring, she stood in line to purchase tickets for the grand gala. While in line she met another girl, Tracy, vying for the love of the man with the name of Sixx. As they both approached the front of the box office line the competitiveness grew. They each began to tease their hair to the heavens, apply more black eyeliner and expose their Too Fast For Love tattoos. Just as they were about to close in on the front of the line Stacy quickly pointed in the opposite direction and shouted "Vince Neil!", Tracy unknowing this act of trickery looked in that direction as she did that Stacy bolted to the ticket office window and purchased the last front row concert seat available. Tracy, clearly unhappy, began to spew obscenities at Stacy and tear at her fish net stockings exposing an entire body tattoo of the man with the name of Sixx. Stacy smiled smugly and said "girl, don't go away mad, girl just go away" as she crawled into her 1981 Trans Am and sped off.

Resist This

I was listening to a song and one verse in this particular song suddenly stood out to me "there are somethings in life you should resist". Quickly the wheels began to turn. What in our lives should we resist? Drugs, sex and rock n roll because they all could lead to much darker situations? Because their the devil's hands? Bad advice which from my experience is always taken over the good? Pass on the extra gravy and have another helping of the bland veggies? Finding temptation is never hard due to the fact it finds me but resisting said temptation is when the brow really begins to sweat. When you think about it, most things we enjoy are sinful and we knowingly enjoy them over and over, never minding the price we may have to pay later. Why is being bad so much easier than being good? Example: being fat is so much easier than being skinny and we all know that gluttony is a sin, but we continually shovel in bite after bite because it tastes good, feels good. Another area where restraint should be practiced is bad relationships. Even if there is one inkling the person might be detrimental to our health, we throw caution to the wind and head right on in. Why not? Its all about living in the moment right? Why do we not protect ourselves as we should? Is resistance the same as perseverance or is perseverance the same as no resistance? Either way, its a crap shoot, just roll the dice.

Romeo, Romeo...

Is it wrong that I have a "crush" on a rock n roll bassist, that has a girlfriend, is 16 years older than me, has 4 biological kids and is potentially sober? Personally, I think I am too old for any type of crush. But, because (in my mind) he deserves to be blogged about and blogged about often...(sigh).

More, More, More

Often we let people in our lives define who we are. Not always a bad thing, say if you are parent, alas I am not a parent but I feel I let people play a huge role in who I am and who I have become. I'd like to think I can control my future and allow myself to be the person I've always wanted to be. What person is that you ask? Someone who would be missed if they left this world too soon, someone who inspires and brings out the best in others, a problem solver, a question creator, someone who had more friends and family than she knew what to do with, someone who would be remembered as kind and loving or just someone who would be remembered at all. All simply obtainable or so I think. Our road in life is short when we think about it in years but is awfully long when we think about the strife and struggles along the way. People who hurt you have a way of making your days long. They also have a way of seeping into your mind at night to let you know that you are worthless and are a waste of space. As strong as we pretend we are, we let the very person who professes their immortal love for us - break us. How does that happen? Why do we let it happen?

Words are a powerful thing and I await the day when I can hold my head up and say "there is more to me than you".

Food For Thought

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" - Mary Manin Morrissey

Examine This

"An unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates

A college instructor pitched this quote to me. Karl Eulenstein was the name and making students his prodigies was his game. He threw it at me circa 1993'ish (before the convenience of Google) and said to me "who said it and explain the meaning". I immediately gave our senior librarian (Google back in the day) a $5 bill and begged "please, for the love of God, help me"! Our librarian had a very close resemblance to Don King, not quite as boisterous, possibly gay and he gave me back my $5 bucks even after he did the footwork. As I was sharing my find with Mr. Eulenstein and offering to him what I thought the quote meant, pleased, he then threw at me what are the two most important things in life? How easy I thought this to be - I "immediately offered family and God", "love and God"? He countered "come on Kim, you can do better than that". I never got that little project right by my own accord - he said the two most important things in life were power and wisdom. Now, a decade and a half later, I understand better of what importance each are.

What does the Socrates quote say? I believe it says you have to live your life by trying new things, all things. Things that are normal, scary, hard, easy, crazy, straight and over the top. To choose our destinations and make those difficult choices. If we set back and watch the world pass, afraid to get our feet wet or not jumping in, worrying what the outcome may or may not be, we'll never be fulfilled therefore in the eyes of Socrates, our life was not worth living.

Go examine yourself, your life...just do it.

For the Love of the Bag

Tonight I was having dinner with a wonderfully honest person. As we carried on about our current relationships, he divulged to me that his lover was going to have a Botox procedure done. Naturally I inquired of the cost and the most amazing words came from my friend's mouth - "you don't need Botox, you don't have one wrinkle on your face, really you don't have one". As I rose a bit higher in my seat, I adjusted my "girls" and thought this very comment deserves some type of purchase. My thought process of what to purchase did not fade or hasten because I had just received the latest catalog from one of my favorite fashion merchandisers. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew exactly where it was. Time was running out for the evening so I quickly dashed into the department store. I walked to a very clean glass case and pointed to item of desire. As the associate placed it into my hand I read her name tag - "Helen" - what a beautiful name and she spoke in a foreign tongue, possibly Russian. I coddled the item in my hands and I was enamored by the scent of leather all around me. My feet rose from the tiled floor and I felt forever in love. Helen directed me to her counter and I quickly paid for my large hobo pebble grain leather Dooney & Bourke bag. It is crimson red with a rich brown trim, the strap short and fits oh so comfortabley and favors a horse bridle. Helen placed my new child into a dust bag and then handed it off to me. As I turned to walk away she said that she could tell I was special and then uttered "zee bag makes uh da ladee".

Another Morsel

Life is not fair, life is not free. But it all seems a little less harsh when we are truly happy.

Ode to Jenny

For my 30ish something birthday this past December, my friend Jenny, gave me a gift. The gift I received from her hand to my back porch was a book titled Eat, Pray, Love. The book has now been in my possession since mid December. Unopened and unread before now, tonight I turned the first page. As I embark through this literary journey I will keep your very situation along with mine in the forefront. As I feel I am going to relive most of my painful past caused by failed relationships and other situations to dark to recount here, I too, will ponder yours. Thank you Jenny for all you have been. I wish you healing and hope like you have never imagined. Because "its not waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"...I love you.

Who Knew?

Days come and go. Weeks pass. Years, too, soon fly by. Where do all the moments go? And seconds? One, including myself has to wonder if these increments of time ever existed at all. Would it be cool to watch an instant replay of our life and to only highlight the important events? A condensed version which also includes our mistakes? Who wants to watch us make our mistakes? Our enemies? Maybe our step-mothers who we hate dearly in return? Is life to short to hate anyone? I once received a fortune in one of those delectable crispy cookies you receive after eating a less fortunate Chinese buffet. It read "no one is important enough to make you angry". I've held on to that piece of paper for 4 years just waiting for the right moment to reach down inside of me and bring it to the top. But I, being of sound mind and body, do tend to let that very thing happen daily. I get angry at/with people and I get angry often. An important person in my life recently received this fortune "all of your answers are right in front of you". I thought, how consequential, since I were sitting in front of them. I thought of the responsibility this little piece of paper had bestowed upon me. What could I do to bring this to fruition? Is it fate? Destiny? Coincidence? All of the above? Life has a funny way of bringing people together or tearing them apart. Things happen. People happen. I only hope that I can be exactly what life has predetermined of me because I believe IT knows best.

Something To Blog About

There comes a time in everyone's life when they are faced with a "do or die" situation. That is do it or die, not do it or dye it. Sometimes the same situation is called piss or get off the pot, sink or swim or it's now or never. So extreme don't you think? Never any middle ground to be found in a 36 mile radius. So what predicament would require such a quick action? Hmmm, how about using the men's room when the women's is full or vice versa? When you gotta, you gotta right?
Or how about muttering those three little words to see where you stand in a relationship regardless of the response? How about saying the other three little words to get out of the very relationship you wanted in? It's all so stupid and it's a very expensive game and my bank account is nearly overdrawn.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom".

Fate As It Is

A friend and I were discussing our present lives this morning. Highlighting some important issues at hand she offered me a savory little morsel that I couldn't dare pass up, she said "fate is a bitch". After consuming said item, I realized she couldn't be more right. The definition of fate is below:


Fate
noun, verb, fat⋅ed, fat⋅ing.
–noun

1. something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune;

2. the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is
presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events;

3. that which is inevitably predetermined;

4. a prophetic declaration of what must be;

5. death, destruction, or ruin.

One never knows what is lying in wait for them but when it jumps up and slaps you in the face what do you with it? Fight it or apply ointment to then affected area?

Sing Along Time

Sometimes in life you hear a verse from a song and it might be right for the moment or it might just sweep you back to a memory you have tried to forget. I was sitting at my desk this morning and I heard:

Easy by the Commodores

'Know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain,
Girl, I'm leavin' you tomorrow,
Seems to me girl you know I've done all I can,
You see I've beg, stole and I've borrowed.

Verse is very fitting for right now. Then I pondered some other verses that might fit as well:

Foolish Heart by Steve Perry

Feelin that feelin again
Playin a game I can't win
Love's knockin on the door
Of my heart once more
Think I'll let her in
Before I begin

Scars by Papa Roach

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand

And then I thought, "who the fuck comes up with this stuff?"

Writer's Blawg

Stardate - 01/25/2009

Some days I wonder how I made it out of bed on other days. Is that wrong? Is it right? Probably a little of both. Wrong as in I shouldn't live in the past. Right as in it keeps me thinking. So basically it's just thinking about the past. Most people tend to get ahead or not make as many mistakes by thinking. Turns out to be just the opposite for me. No thinking allowed here. Let me jump right in and I'll deal with the consequences later. Never works out if you are wondering. Either the cut doesn't work for my face shape, 12 is a really high number when you are doing shots of peppermint schnapps or that sweet little boy wasn't really all that sweet. I can't say that its been all bad but I tend to relive the bad moments more so than the good. I'd like to throw frozen packs of sausage at positive people just to see how they can turn it into a life affirming situation but then I'd just feel like an idiot. I'd like to pray for a break but I don't think you are supposed to pray for things such as that. I remember praying for my first pair of Tretorns. I just knew if I got them I'd rule the world. Well, the Tretorns finally showed up but there was no world ruling going on because then I prayed for skinniness. Always wanting more and never satisfied with what I had. Turns out to be my life story...

Scuh-Reem

Someone once told me about primal scream therapy. I decided to give it a shot. I walked into my closet and shut the door. I grabbed my hanging clothes and screamed into them thinking my shrieking might be muffled just a bit from the nearby neighbors. I felt no relief. Method says the louder the better. I gave it one final try. Nope, no immediate relief here. Now I have a sore throat and all 4 of my dogs are puttering around with earplugs. I pondered all the different types of therapy. Electro-shock therapy, probably not going to work out for me. Hypnosis, too skeptical. Frontal lobotomy, too evasive. Group therapy, umm, no. After my small amount of research, I'm thinking good old fashioned alcohol will be the ticket. I understand that a night with the bottle is just that, a night, unless you indulge too much and it still follows you around the next day. I realize my problems will still be around after my one night stand but can you really put a price on kicking at air or mentally kicking the ass of whatever is troubling you all over town? I think not. Cheers.

Random Words

Sometimes a restless minds comes into play. Usually it shows up when some rest or sleep is really needed. Tonight is one of those times. With that said, here are some of the things running around the playground upstairs...

Why does there have to be change?
Does anyone really change?
Is change good?
Does true love really exist?
Skinny people should be force fed pre-packaged cake icing
Were the 80's really so bad?
I don't know what to do with my hands
Is Chelsea Handler really 33?
Will I be a good mother?
Will I die alone?
Define: "having it all"
Walk, walk, walk, walk
Can I make anything last beyond 5 years?
I wonder if anyone found my promise ring?
Clean base boards
Gracie needs a bath
Go see your dad
Send thank you notes
I have so many books to read
Can you be trusted?
Will you be anything but mine?

"Now I lay me down to sleep....zzzzzzzzzzzzz".

Fine Line

Ever wonder how we get ourselves into certain situations? Situations such as car accidents, jobs we hate or various relationships? Why are somethings so hard to leave when other things are so very easy to get into? Or why somethings we can put right behind us and other things we think about every day, every minute? Always struggling, pushing, pulling, clawing and scratching our way to the top to get something we want only to discover to upon arrival it was nowhere near what we thought it would be. How much pain and disappointment does one have to endure in their life to eventually get something that was worth the hurt? From experience, I will say mountains and I am so fucking tired of he pain, the climbing and not knowing what any outcome will be and I haven't even left the trauma ward. I will say officially that nothing in this life will come free and most definitely nothing will ever be fair. So does it go without saying that life, my life, your life, our life is a beautiful struggle? Beautiful, maybe. Struggle, without a doubt. Both are a fine line and I see that fine line slowly being erased.


"I've had to fight like hell and fighting like hell has made me who I am".
-John Arbuthnot

No Title

Lately I've been pondering the relationships of people I am surrounded by every day. Family, friends, lovers, co-workers and even the Fed Ex delivery guy. Obviously our family is our family just because that is the way is. We didn't choose them nor did they choose us. Sometimes I find this fact a blessing other times I realize it is a curse. As for the other people in my life, excluding the Fed Ex guy, I have chosen them of my own accord. Now, what makes us choose certain individuals to become intertwined in our lives? Could it be common hair or eye color? Their laugh? The way they walk or talk? Because they understand the relationship of mayonnaise with field peas? Or maybe it is simply because they get giddy right along with you when you hear the phrase "Wonder Twin power, activate!". Whatever the cause may be sometimes your choice is dead on, other times not. They may hold your hand through a crisis or slap you right back into reality. Whatever the reason, many people of different shapes, colors and attitudes will come into our lives and sometimes they will leave just as quickly as they came. What we choose to do with them once they have landed is entirely up to us.

The Randomness Of It All

Do you ever reflect upon your life? If you say no 1. You are lying to yourself or
2. You are lying to me. Either way, you're a liar.

Who knows what might ignite a fit of reflection. It could be witnessing an elderly couple in love after so many year, a night's dream or purely a single feeling that just eats away at you. After much reflecting of my own self, I decided there comes a time in all our lives when we are faced with a choice. The choice at hand could be life altering or simply choosing between a hamburger or cheeseburger Happy Meal. In making your Happy Meal choice you at least get a surprise based on your gender. Making a life altering choice may lead to more than one surprise including but not limited to your gender. Today finds me at a crossroad and it is not based upon cheese and meat. It is much more complex than that. My crossroad is about true happiness and self fulfillment. I've never been one to look into myself so all of this soul searching and self discovery is pretty new to me. And needless to say, it is hardwork. I will not take for granted that the salary due to me in the end will be worth every tear I cry and every heartbreak I endure.

Wanting More

Today it dawned on me that when we get what we sought the tables turn and its no longer what we want. Is that because the rules of the game change? Because we change? Or because when we got what we wanted, the "got" changed? I've always said everything worth having is worth the fight regardless of how hard or how lengthy. Isn't that how races are won and championships are gained by fighting and some strategy? Do we become discontented because of temptation? Because we have so many choices? Just when we are on the brink of happiness we fall off and the fall sometimes good, sometimes bad, puts us right back at the beginning of a long road. All I can say is thank goodness for memories good or bad because they can truly drive us right to where we need to be.

You Push, I'll Pull, No Wait...

A friend and I were discussing relationship highs, lows, fits of craziness and the throes of passion. As our talk continued we began to make light of the craziness. We then discovered how interesting it would be for two bi polar people to be involved in an intimate relationship. The scenario was something like this...

"Get off of me, get under me. Leave, no, stay. *Slap, you deserved that, no you didn't. You're stupid, no your wonderful. I hate you, I love you. Let me drown, save me. You're insane, no, you're level headed. I like black, you are black. *Kick, I didn't mean that, come here. Call me, don't call me. I hope you leave and never come back, please don't leave me. I want to wear your skin like a birthday suit, I hate suits. I want you, who are you? I hate sushi, I love fish. You don't need to drink, who drank all my vodka? Kiss me, keep your tongue out of my mouth. Lets take a vacation, I'm not going anwhere with you."

Without some mania in the world, it would be flat and boring. Crazy people need love too.

Happy Birthday!

On this day 50 years ago your sweet little cries entered the world. Now, 50 years later, we are still listening to your cries. May today bring you all the peace you have sought and may the next 50 years be even better.

Happy Birthday Nikki Sixx!

This Post Will Self Destruct....

How much faith do we put in the finding of our inner peace? Or do we find inner peace putting all our cards on the table for faith?

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if we could just put on a little lipstick on the inside just as we do outside to show the world we are completely pulled together? The thing about our inner conflicts is that it is only our self that can see and feel them. No one will ever know of the struggle until we confess it. I guess the journey of finding inner peace would begin with learning how to forgive. The process of forgiving to me hinders on one thing: how do you forgive when you can’t forget? Call me an elephant, a grudge holder or any other label that has to do with not forgetting. When someone has wronged me I will remember and relive the situation in question over and over. Aren’t we supposed to harness the good and let go of the bad? Don’t get me wrong, not all of my innards are a ticker tape of the bad stuff. Every now and then a reflection of good and right will show up.

The self help section of any book store will offer one thousand titles per one conflict to gain your inner peace. One book suggested writing a letter telling of the hurt and hate you might have and sending it to a random address. Um, that little exercise had no positive response for any closure I was seeking. Purging (out with the old, in with the new) hasn’t necessarily worked for me either. So what will it take? Sitting in the foothills of the Himalayans, praying to a little fat man? Watching Benny Hinn heal everyone in the audience with far greater physical afflictions but me who chose to stay seated for fear of being embarrassed?

Whatever it may take, I will gladly accept the mission.

Misery Loves Company

I've noticed I only blog when something isn't right. Only a few posts have positive content. To few in too many if you ask me. Even posts involving the secret love of my life -- Nikki Sixx -- offers negative tokens. I understand the need to celebrate and share milestone events such as job retirement, decade passing or arriving of birthdays, marital anniversaries but what about the small things? A small thing might be sucessfully making it one full week with no alcohol use, not checking your email in-box 52 times a day or breaking the nasty habit of biting your nails. Those little happenings are rarely celebrated. I am not saying that we celebrate the negative either. What I'm saying is we tend to open the flood gates when something isn't going our way and we like for the world to know it. Irritating co-workers, dogs who chew everything in their path, gas prices, heartache or a bad haircut. We'll talk about it and talk about it to any one who will turn an open ear. There is just something about beating a dead horse.

So, does it go without saying that we only shout from the roof tops when our lives are on the verge of something awful?

Depressing, yes? Reality, absolutely.

Easy Schmeasy

I’ve touched briefly in recent words how the easy things in life don’t come easy. Whether it is leaving a toxic relationship, beginning a new one or trying to find the PSI for your tires. Just when you think you couldn't ever want more you do. You get a little bit more and the need for something bigger and better is almost insatiable. The more we have the more we feel like we lack. Why is this? Why does contentment have to feel like a four letter word? And better yet, does satisfaction exist at all?

This isn’t necessarily regarding the luck of having Target or Wal-Mart within a 2 mile radius of your home. It is more about not wanting what we have emotionally, spiritually, mentally and vice versa. Everything, relationship oriented, tends to be a struggle in its entirety. We have disappointed parents because their expectations, ever how small or large, were not met, disgruntled employees because promotions or bonuses were not given and lovelorn couples expecting the unobtainable from their mate. It is no secret we have to fight, scratch and claw to get just to catch a glimmer of happiness or fulfillment in our lives. Reaching and rising might just equal stretching and falling. I wonder if the need for understanding, perfect companionship and light hearts is the same for drug abusers? We try it, we like it and the need for the like increases until enough is never enough but sometimes too much?

Everything carries a price. I wonder what the final cost of true happiness could be?

Overheard

In Wal-Mart this evening I overheard a woman say this after reading the headline "Pregancy Joy for Angelina Jolie" on the front of a gossip magazine --- "She's pregnant again"? "She needs to get a TV". I tried to hold a straight face but I failed.

Things That Make Me Happy

Someone recently asked me what made me happy, as I scribbled the list in my mind, for a moment I realized I was a simple person and decided to add my list here...


1. Champagne
2. Snow
3. Puppies' breath
4. Bubbles
5. Smell of fresh cut grass
6. Handwritten lettters
7. Extremely random phone calls from friends or family
8. Kisses on my forehead
9. Fireplaces
10. A long dinner
11. Cool breezes
12. The entire Christmas season

Election Day

Early at the polls this morning, I quickly became #50 in line. Waiting for nearly one hour for the polls to open, I was very glad to be #50 and not #1491. As I made my way into the gymnasium to show my ID and get my ballot and secrecy folder, I felt I was completing a very important civic duty. As I watched the crowd, I noticed a very elderly man with his elderly escort cast their ballots. The gentleman was in very poor condition, barely able to walk without help of his escort and walker. I felt so patriotic at that moment that I almost began to cry. This was the first election that I have ever taken part it in and right now at this moment, I feel very good about my choice. As I cast my ballot I realized that today, November 4, 2008, I became a part of history.

Again

I was minding my own business when the word again popped into my mind. I sounded it out just as you learn to in first grade, "uh-gain". I have never thought of the use of this word as a positive but always used it negatively. Examples:

The toliet is clogged, again.
The dog ate her bed, again.
My car needs gas, again.

You can see where I am going with this. As I thought about the word and kept repeating it, I turned it around, a-gain. For example:

I received a Christmas bonus, it was a-gain.
I made a new friend, A true GAIN.
I saw my dad today for the first time in a year, is a-gain

See how just saying the word differently brings to light an entirely different situation?

Sequel to 3

After two weeks of pondering I've thought of three things that come in 3's that aren't always tragic:

1. Neapolitan Ice Cream

2. 3 Outs in Baseball

3. 3 Strikes in Baseball

Is 3 An Unlucky Number?

Maybe you've heard things come in 3's. For example - accidents, deaths or just bad news. In the past month, 3 friends or acquaintances have told me they were getting a divorce. All choices in the matter were made by the ladies. Is there something in the water? The air? I'm afraid to drink or breath but clearly I need to do a little of both to survive. I tried to think of good things that come in 3's. Nothing came to mind immediately so I pondered for a few moments. A few moments later I was still pondering. I thought of packs of candy, nope. A box of Swiffers, nope. Then it hit me, we have 3 local news affiliates and sets of triplets and my hitting ended there. Maybe because I was trying so hard to focus on what goodness comes in 3's is why nothing came to my mind quickly. When I find the good 3 - I'll let you know.

Irritated

I was looking through a catalog of Christmas cards. Not one card in this catalog offered the greeting "Merry Christmas", "Happy Christmas", "Kiss My Christmas" or anything of the like. I could not find one picture of Santa and no mention of Christ or the Nativity. Are people so sensitive to the word Christmas or pictures of a man in a red suit? Santa has been flying over roof tops, squeezing down chimmney's for hundreds of years and Jesus has been around longer than that. I am not sensitive to people who eat gelfite fish or wear crocheted little beanies which means I don't ask for these items to be removed or changed while in my presence. Nor am I sensitive to religions that completely omit the word Christmas or any other holiday from their vocabulary. It is their choice. If I am not offended by others choices and aren't screaming for them to wear brown derby's, eat tuna from a can or write Christmas is Love a million times on a chalkboard then don't take away my option of a Christmas card boasting Santa giving Jesus a hi-5. You can just bet at a point in the offended's life - Santa did stop in to pay them a visit and lumps of coal were left.

M-O-N-D-A-Y

M - Moaning the blues (not making a joyful noise)
O - Overworked (and underpaid)
N - Nausea (wait - blehh)
D - Dreary (mood altering and not mushroom induced)
A - Abhor (loathe, hate, not looked foward to)
Y - Yowl (crying and still moaning the blues)

For Real?

What seems like seconds ago, a friend of mine told me that "they" were getting a divorce. While not shocked, my heart immediately ached. My lungs closed in tightly around my heart as to hug it and my stomach reached upward and placed a large band aid on it. I guess forever really isn't forever anymore, its just a short period of time. Divorce for most these days is just as easy as changing jobs and I can certainly vouch for that. In a former career, I was completely content in my held position but my co-worker and colleague clearly had higher aspirations for themselves moving up the corporate ladder, so I found myself quickly demoted. Years ago, a former roommate of mine was experiencing turbulent divorce waters as I was moving into her home. At that time in my very inexperienced life, I had no idea of how she felt or what she was dealing with but after walking a mile in her so called shoes, I found myself a couple of years later eating my own words and thoughts about what she had endured. No doubt, divorce is the worst roller coaster ride I have ever been on, which included but was not limited too bouts of nausea and vomiting. But, this is the land of plenty and we are free to choose and do as we will, all within certain legal boundaries and there is nothing more legal than divorce proceedings. After all, the chief cause of divorce is marriage and 100% of all divorces begin in marriage.

How Do You Say Opossum?

Last night my dogs began to do the distress call (that only mother would know) to warn of enemies in their territory. The territory was the backyard and the enemy at paw was a opossum. I grabbed a flash light, digital camera and began to patrol the area like Rambo. When I found the opossum , it was sitting on top of the chain link fence and not dangling from a tree much to my sadness. It was the ususal opossum type - grey spikey fur, beadie eyes, pink paws and a very handsome tail. As I scooted closer, and I say scooted because I was terrified at any moment this thing would yell "Banzai" and lurch toward me and crawl directly up my leg. But again, to my dismay, it just sat there. As I brought the camera up toward my eye some music began. The chosen song was I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. The opossum began to speak in a French accent - do you like me like theese or like theese? How zabout theese? It contorted its body and gave its toothy grin while mentioning something about copyright laws. In shock, I dropped my camera and the music stopped. I picked up the camera and the music began again. This opossum was "cat walking" on the top of the fence rail and voguing if you will, for my camera! I kept clicking and the opossum kept posing. The dogs jowls had dropped to the ground and their eyes were the size of pancakes. They, too could not believe what they were seeing or hearing for that matter. Liddy began to stutter as she pointed toward the runway critter, "Puh, puh, puh, opossums are supposed to play dead not dance to Right Said Fred!", she said. Jack mentioned the bump he took on his head the week before must have knocked something lose. Lori said she'd bunked with one in juvie hall but it never said it was too sexy for a shirt and Gracie just wrapped her ears around her face. As the camera's battery began to dwindle the music dwindled along with it. Before we retreated back inside the opossum requested all photos be airbrushed where needed and would be availabe for work on an as needed basis.

Scaredy Cat

Once upon a time in a life long ago, someone told me they admired me because I wasn't afraid of anything. Today, older but really none the wiser, I realize I am afraid. I am afraid of many things such as:

1. Spiders
2. Heights
3. Not being loved
4. Wearing white after Labor Day
5. Losing my teeth
6. Not getting into Heaven
7. Bad Chinese
8. Public speaking
9. My mother dying
10. Meeting Nikki Sixx and not knowing I have spinach in my teeth
11. Stone washed jeans returning to the world of fashion
12. Living my life without forgiveness for the people I have hurt or not being able to forgive the people who have hurt me

With age comes many things into our life and one of those things that is coming for me is the ability to be more careful and more insightful before I open my mouth, my heart or my hand.

First Grandchild

I am not political in any respect. Actually I have never even voted nor do I know the difference between the democratic and republican platforms. It is a right I exercise. Regardless if I vote or not, tomorrow I will still have to get up and go to work, pay taxes and start my diet all over again. However, I am interested in the world's take on Governor Palin's pregnant, unmarried seventeen year old daughter. Obviously not planned, but Bristol could have not have picked a worse time to become so "delicate". A teenage pregnancy surely isn't anything to roll out the red carpet about but you can just bet a mud laden carpet will surely show itself. Bristol was only doing what most of us are doing, have done or will do in our lives, she just simply got caught. I am not condoning teenage sex or teenage pregnancies but it is something I can't control much like people who abuse the system or hurricane season. Teenagers are curious by nature and today children and adolescents mature quicker than ever. What is a fourteen year old girl supposed to do with a body of a 26 year old woman? Again, I am not saying that sex at an early age should be overlooked or praised. Personally, I don't believe Governor Palin's daughter pregnant or not should have any bearing on the upcoming presidential elections. I would hope all emotions on Governor Palin's part and everyone else involved would be removed and she'll do what is right for America. Children of presidential front runners should be off limits regardless of grades, music choices, super hero preference, pregnant or not, and, I never take up for children.

Choice Chosen

Not too long ago I wrote a short essay on my choice of not having kids. This morning everything I wrote in that short essay came to fruition. As I was sitting in a restaurant ordering breakfast a couple next to me had not one, two or three kids but four. There should be some type of cap of the amount of children one should have especially if they choose to make them "door steps". The smallest child probably 3 years old, cotton top blonde, wore a white t-shirt with a red stain down the front and shoeless was sitting in between mom and dad. As their breakfast order arrived, the child stood up in his seat and exclaimed "pancake!". Then he proceeded to sit on the table while mom just watched. He also threw a fork to the other side of the restaurant. The he attempted to throw the salt shaker - the older sister took the shaker before he could make the double play. Mom nor dad did not get up and retrieve the fork or make an apology to the couple sitting at the table it landed under. The kid continued to shriek as he ate his pancake. The other smallest child was crying because his pancake didn't look right...

Behind me, sat another small child in a high chair. A two year old boy with a horrific "bowl" haircut, that in my opinion just screams "brat" in a overall "onesy" with his name, Ben, embroidered on the front. This particular child was making sounds like the mermaid, Madison, from the movie Splash as she tried to say her name in her native language, "eeeyyyyeeeeeeeek, eeeyyyeeeeeeeek". Maybe the windows didn't shatter but my eardrums burst. An older child at the table was instructed to take Ben outside because he needed to walk (like he was a puppy or something). So she does and in doing so she takes Ben from chair and he cries and flails around in her arms because he wants to be let down. Then outside, stands right in front of the window where I am sitting, holding Ben so he can waive at his mother. Ben's overalls should have read - Damien.

Need I say more?

Back In The Day

In my journey of blogging I still haven't quite decided what a blog is. Say it with me - blog, buh-log. I guess it is a way to express your ideals, passions, life and losses and not necessarily the sound you make after one two many martinis. My grandparents and your grandparents wrote in journals or maybe they didn't write at all. Should I have any grandchildren my story to them may go something like this "In my day we blogged. We blogged and we liked it".

A Memory

My grandfather eating anything would cause his temples to move up and down. As I typed this I placed my fingers on my temples and pretended to eat. I could feel movement in my temples - maybe temple flexibility isn't a hidden super hero power but when he would eat his temples moved like a bird's wings in flight. I just knew at any moment he would lift away from the table while he was eating cornbread and fresh onions. His hair was silver and cut short on the sides which now reminds me of a bald eagle. Silver wings....

Tiny Little Morsels

A few little morsels of life that when one hasn't exactly been in your shoes likes to give out:

Build a bridge and get over it - Are you talking about getting over shark infested waters or an erupting volcano? Unless you know exactly the multitude of pain, despair or lack of bravery one is facing, please keep these words to yourself.

Save some for a rainy day - What are you suggesting one save? Money, pot, fancy underwear or the good china? Who would use good china on a rainy day?

There are other fish in the sea - Maybe this was the world record weight species holder. Maybe it was the big one. Just maybe I didn't want to throw it back. Unless you are on a fishing charter with me and I pull in an under weight mackerel - the comment is useless.

I do - You do what? You just DO'd in your pants? You DO plan on taking my heart straight from my chest and twisting it until it is unrecognizable? You DO not plan on ever doing your own laundry? What is it that you will or will not DO?

You look tired - Well, lets see I was up all night knitting mittens and toboggans for the less fortunate and before that I gave every dog in our neighborhood a free bath. Please, telling someone they look tired is just a kind way of saying "please put a bag over your head, you look like death warmed over".

Wow, I feel so much better.

More Random Thoughts & Ideas

If humans evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

Is global warming a hoax? (there are many ideas to support this idea) Now, I would like to believe there really is no global warming crisis but what harm is done by wasting a little less? Some people believe that heaven doesn't exist so why should they do good while on earth? Well, it is the same thing as being more enviromentally aware - what does it hurt and certainly who does it hurt?

Are Bigfoot and Loch Ness really possible living creatures?

How can your hair affect your day?

How much will gas cost next summer?

How do you forgive when you can't forget?

Can one person save the world?

Dear Me

A letter to 15 year old me from my 32 year old self.

Dear Me,
The year is 2008 and it has been a busy year. Presidential elections are up in November. Gas prices are at an all time high and the economy is poor. However, none of that is really important to you. I wanted to get in touch with you and give you some of the ole’ “if I knew then what I know advice”. I’ll start with family is important. Enjoy the meals at the dinner table with our parents. Take that trip to Mobile with Papa by yourself. Visit our grandparents when they are sick. Keep in touch with our cousins after you think you’ve outgrown each other. Take our time when it comes to the boys. Heartache is right around the corner and comes sooner than you think. We’ll love and lose and finally we will love and win but its not Nikki Sixx waiting for us in the winner’s circle. All that time we spend alone now, we’ll enjoy later, too. Don’t mess around our junior year in high school. Mom is not going to let us go back to our old school no matter how badly we try to fail in the new one. Try all of the new hair styles and start flossing now. The world will come at us hard sometimes but just get up, dust ourself off and get back in the game. Remember anything worth having is worth fighting and working for. We are going to experience some amazing things and get somethings we surely didn't deserve. You are a good person and know that everything you endure now will make you stronger later. Keep reaching and keep rising.

In our best interest,

Me

All Things PC

Not PC as in politically correct but PC as in personal computer. That's right Peee Ceee. This evening when I arrived home from work my beloved met me at the front door exclaiming he had made an extreme purchase for me - An HP Pavilion Notebook. He had already gotten Internet, a modem, USB cable - basically everything I needed to get this party started. How lucky am I? I am officially among the masses. No longer the sad clown with the smallest shoes. I am the ringmaster!

The Force Is Too Great

When I was a young lass my bedroom was covered with posters of anyone who was featured in Hit Parader (yep, that included White Lion and Winger). And I am not ashamed to say I sing along loudly and play air guitar when I can catch one of their videos on Metal Mania. I don't think White Lion & Winger were actually metal groups. Big hair and posers absolutely. As I am being pulled deeper into the world of all things rock - I realize I am one black eye liner pencil from putting Nikki Sixx posters over my bed. How did I get to this point?

Rock, Rock, Rolly, Rolly

A rock n roll explosion will be happening along the gulf coast tonight. Journey, Heart & Cheap trick will be appearing. While any type of music venue in an outdoor amphitheater near the beach and featuring tons of cold beer would be over the top - I have to say the concert that will be taking place tonight isn't exciting to me. Maybe its because I will not be sweating with the masses in my leather pants? Or maybe its because Steve Perry is no longer the lead singer of Journey? Probably the latter. Arnel Pineda is now the man of the hour. Journey is no longer Journey - its more of a short trip. In the history of rock n roll what original frontman being replaced by another has continued to make the band a success? Two words come to mind - Sammy Hagar. Though some would totally disagree, Sammy Hagar filled the very purple leather boots that David Lee Roth once wore and he filled them nicely. Then when Gary Cherone stepped in as Sammy's replacement, the act was a dud (no offense Gary). Now Mr. Black Belt (DLR) himself is back in the saddle. I'd love to see Van Halen back on top. Or how about when Vince Neil left Motley Crue and John Corabi stepped in? Total flop (total offense to you John). Of course our golden boy, Vince has since returned to MC and making an outstanding comeback. I guess history does repeat itself. Rock n Roll Forever!

Random Ideas, Thoughts & Other Misfortunes

I was standing on the back deck a few early mornings ago. Our backyard is shaded by this enormous live oak. Through the live oak limbs & leaves I could see an airplane flying over. Probably a FedEx plane delivering to Brookley field since it was so early in the morning and flying so low. The sight of the plane made me feel lonely and small. I have no idea what that was about.

On the way into work this morning I saw a man litter in the Bankhead tunnel. He was older and in a nice vehicle. I was so iritated that I wanted to cry. Who throws trash on the ground these days? I thought littering like big hair was so over in the 80's?

The home we lived in before our current home just happens to be right across the street from where we are now. Convenient or what? Anyway, a car pulled in front of the old house yesterday. All I could think was please don't be our new neighbors - and I was purely judging them by their car.

Gracie, my bassett hound, had surgery almost two weeks ago. It was a routine operation and during the operation the vet found 4 mammary tumors that were malignant and already "involved". I was and am heartbroken. All I can think of now is that I have a child with cancer and its growing in her everyday and there is nothing I can do.

Ingredients

As I ate a pimento and cheese sandwich I wondered what is in pimento and cheese. The ingredients are listed on the container but I chose to make my own guesses - cheddar cheese, pimento and mayonnaise. I never checked my list vs. actual contents. As I pondered the ingredients in everything we ingest I thought about what is in all of us. And this is what I came up with - After God decides whom to bless with a child he begins with a single bean. The bean represents the core of our person. Pinto beans for a Hispanic child, lima beans for the country folk, chick peas for "free spirits", jumping beans for athletes and fava beans for the not so nice. When the perfect bean is chosen the extras are added. Maybe a little cayenne for a temper, some lavender for nurse or teacher tendencies, mesquite flavor for a cowboy, granola for a little craziness, soy sauce for the future lover of Chinese buffets, poppy seeds for a potential drug addict, thyme for a person who is chronically late, squid ink for a tattoo artist, eye of newt for a touch of goth and so on. I believe God's spice rack far exceeds what the everyday chef has access too. Recipe is not quite complete so the bean and extras begin to bake. Oven time is usually 9 months give or take a few days at 98.7 degrees fahrenheit or 37 degrees celsius. Dish is removed and placed under a heating light for extra measure. We might be a little bland at first but no salt, pepper or frosting is added, those come later in life. I guess the question is now - "What are you made of?"

Sixx'er Forever

I am officially a freak and have went off the reservation. Its no secret of my infatuation with a certain bassist from a very notorious over-the-top rock band. So in recent days I have made a special purchase. The purchase was the Heroine Diaries -by Nikki Sixx. Hardly summer reading, I was thankful the clerk at the bookstore didn't look at me like a disease when I inquired of the book. The book is a collection of journal entries he kept while he was all smacked out on drugs for a year and a half, hence the title the Heroine Diaries. This book is 400 pages and I have never in my life blown through a book so quickly. The book is dark and raunchy and it doesn't make me swoon any less for Mr. Sixx. I am so involved at this very moment that I have dreamed of Nikki Sixx for the past four nights. The dreams are not hot or sexy - they are just dreams. And, if it isn't bad enough that he is "taken" at the moment, his current girlfriend appeared in our dream last night and I was helping her shop for handbags. Two of my greatest loves tarnished at one time. Into my descent of psycho-star stalker status, I have been looking at his website (every day, twice a day) searching for new pictures posted by him of him. I have also been watching the Carnival of Sins concert, SOLA and Life is Beautiful videos over and over. For an extra helping of fan frenzy I bought The Dirt, the story of Motley Crue. I can only surmise this is not a healthy hobby. Fun and good nutrition for my stalker status, maybe. Until Nikki comes knocking, I'll just keep dreaming, listening & reading. Knowledge is power, right?

For The Love Of The Chain

A friend challenged me to give a restaurant review and here I go:

I was enroute to Academy Sporting Goods via Midtown Mobile, when I spotted the sign for Romano's Macaroni Grill. If ever I could choose a cultural background to call my own or name my weak spot it would definitely be Italian.

I pull into the parking lot, adjust my clothing accordingly and walk in. I am greeted by an overly enthusiastic hostess. With only one in my party I ask to be seated near the bar - spectating is always best there.

My wait person who is also the bartender hands me a menu and the race is off. I eagerly search the menu for the famous dish called Carmela's Chicken Rigatoni. My wait-tender retuns with a perfectly square loaf of fresh bread , is their house apertivo. Golden baked, firm to the touch and crispy on the outside. Accompanying the bread - olive oil with fresh cracked black pepper. I order a Leaning Bellini cocktail and Carmela's dish. A peach colored drink in a very tall daiquiri glass is set before me. It is a concoction of peach nectar liquer, rum, white wine and bubbly champagne - crisp and refreshing (I think I'll have another). Ahhhh, then comes the piece de resistance - Carmela's Chicken Rigatoni. My wait-tender offers freshly grated parmesean cheese for my entree. I accept. I've never met a cheese I didn't like. The round noodles are just al dente and covered with grilled chicken, carmelized onions (that are just a bit of heaven), sauteed mushrooms and a creamy marsala wine sauce. Chicken is tender and has flavors of garlic and oregano. The onions sweet and softened, the mushrooms meaty and the wine sauce is heavy. Savoring every morsel I tell myself to stop eating so the dish will last a bit longer. Just over $11 for the entree, it is worth every penny. Now finished and embarassed from the licking the bowl clean...under the Mobile sun I think - wherever and whoever you are Carmela, I love you

Eco-Money

Recently I have seen ads in magazines and on TV encouraging me to send money to fight for global warming. Now, I am not opposed to give money for issues that can be helped by money. But global warming? How can my gift of $25 help repair the ozone or rising sea levels? Its like asking for donations to ward off hurricanes or bear attacks. Picture this, a man is walking in the woods when a bear appears on an open trail roaring and ready to attack then a voices comes through his ear piece -"Black Bear 3, this is Spawning Salmon, disengage, a $25 donation just came in from Alabama...abort, abort." I mean what is the money used for? The salaries for the company's employees appearing in the commercials or the large building (do you think the building has energy efficient lighting) which houses the business? Paper information(which uses energy and trees to create)? TV ads (which uses energy to make and for the TV's to be on while seeing the ad)? I think people (volunteers) in places such as Wal-Mart, airports and car lots would be more appropriate. Example - place a volunteer in the light bulb aisle. As one consumer reaches for regular light bulbs, the volunteer can give a brief speech on energy use of regular light bulbs vs. CFL and then threaten to break their knee caps if the more eco-friendly purchase is not made. Same said for plastic water bottles - consumer reaches for the pack of water. Hand comes out from shelf, smacks the consumers hand, makes gesture of "uh, uh, uhhh" and then gives them a stainless steel re-usable water bottle. At the car lot - as the SUV is being test driven, a volunteer can pop up from the back seat and inform the possible consumer that purchase of this vehicle will shorten the existence of our world by 3 years.

In truth we could all make more climate friendly choices with little effort. Here's a daily mantra for you "I love Mother Earth and she loves me".

Tuesday, Schmuesday

My mind is a blank and its only Tuesday. Three more days and a wake-up right? I tell myself I can do anything for 3 days but there are 5 more days the next week and the next and so on. I thought this morning - what is a fabulous job? Certainly mine is not fabulous. Okay, its fabulous on pay days. Trophy wife, now there is a fabulous job. All you have to do is look pretty. Speaking or cooking is probably not even a required skill. A rock star is probably a pretty fabulous gig, too. Oooohhh....rock star girlfriend - but that probably falls under trophy wife somehow. How about a Nascar driver? You drive two hours per week - and whether you win or not you still get your share of the pot. Example, you finish 41st in a race. You get $90,000. The race is 400 miles - that equals $225.00 per mile. An over the road truck driver will drive 500 miles in one day and gets $.43 per mile. Do the math folks - $215.00 per 8 hours. Seems hardly worth the effort compared to driving around in circles for thousands of dollars. It is a fact, the less you do in the working world the more you make. But on a lighter note - this is the land of plenty and the land of opportunity. We should not be bound by anything and do and be exactly what we want. Whether its a Wall Street banker, a heart surgeon, a newspaper hawker or arm candy. This is America - I can and will be bought!

Dreams Crushed

My dream of being a rocker's girlfriend is on the very cusp of being over. By rocker I mean Nikki Sixx. Its no secret who his current catch is or should I say who has caught him - Kat Von D. While she is completely covered in tatoos and has long black hair and so is and so does Nikki, the two do not match. I picture Nikki, well with me of course, but since he is not then with some hot, crazy, porno star barbie type. I support true love (even when it doesn't include he and I) and apparently he seems to be in love...so until he gets his wit about him, I will be waiting.

A Good Samaritan

On my way to work this morning I saw an older lady and man chasing a small black ball of fur down Airport Blvd. As I proceeded on my normal route to work I began to feel guilty so I popped a "U'ey" right in the middle of Airport Blvd and went back to save the day. By the time I caught up with the pup and was able to stop my car "Flo Jo" had made her way into a car lot. I got out of my car and began to chase - in a dress - after said pooch. Though the alledged run-away looked like an older dog, she had the moves of a star running back. Under this car, that truck and finally squeezed through an opening of a locked gate. As I watched "Flo Jo" run away - she turned to me and said "If you ain't first, your last!"

What?

I will need you to clear your minds. Only a clear mind can absorb what I am about to try and say. I had a dream last night that involved a hyena, a hawk & Jackie Aprille, Sr. (character from the Sopranos). The hawk was trying to attack the hyena. I scooped up the hyena so the hawk would not kill it. The hawk was speaking to me, saying put it down before I scratch your back and it did. The hawk came down upon me and dug both claws into the middle of my back. Flash forward, I walk into this room and the doorway is covered by sheer light purple and yellow curtains. On a bed is the Jackie Aprille. I asked him about the show (Sopranos) and he said "how do you think I feel, going out like that so early in the season?" My dream interpretation book says this about wild beasts "Wild animals evoke for Freud people in an excited sensual state. They may also represent our animal instincts and repressed emotions that we may keep caged in the unconscious. Wild beasts may also symbolize our deepest fears, especially about death" and this about hawks "circling in the sky are a frequent dream-symbol of anticipated death. They may be awaiting with glee the outcome - perhaps the conclusion of some enterprise from which they expect to benefit." I could find no interpretation of Jackie Sr. in my dreambook or on the web and finally about yellow "pale yellow smacks of sickness, decay, declining powers & old age". This dream was all over the place - I can't even begin to decipher it on my own. Anyone want to give it a shot?

TGIF....

and all that implies.

Here are a few quotes regarding one of my most favorite words, Friday:

If you must have motivation, then think of your paycheck on Friday.

Okay...so I only have one quote involving Friday. It was simple and it made a statement. I heard on the news last night that a possibilty in helping with the fuel cost crisis some companies were pondering the idea of a four day work week. My immediate thought was tell me where to sign up! I work 5 days a week now. Usually work through lunch so I'd only have to endure the addition of one more hour per day to make a full forty hour week. I can do this! It could possibly be the easiest transition ever in the history of mankind. I wonder if Thursday & Friday would swap order in the week? TGIT! Doesn't have the same "umph" as TGIF but I think it could work.

Soon to be official - my new favorite word will be Thursday!

Magical & Majestic

What do you define as magical or majestic? Maybe you think its Harry Houdini or Natural Instincts Spiced Tea wash-out hair color. When I think of something magical I think of snow. Pure, white, falling, soft & cold. I lived in West Texas for 2.5 years. During that stretch of time I saw it snow three times. Real snow. Not the sporatic and light blanketing we have here in South Alabama but inches of it! My first snow, I sat at the front door, the back door and then finally I just sat on the back porch and watched it fall. Everything was covered in a magnificent white quilt. It looked like someone had poured boxes of baking soda everywhere. I dressed the dogs and myself in our "star" suits and mittens and we built snowmen and then drank hot chocolate the rest of the day. It was so amazing. The last snow I saw was in late October of 2003. I was high in the Davis Mountains and if you've never seen snow on a mountain then I encourage you to do so. The air was so brisk it would take your breath.

For Majestic - I think of wild mustangs. Horses are already majestic and regal but to see them run wild and free? Flowing manes, hooves sounding like thunder, magnificent naying, galloping as fast they can in a vast open plain with nothing to hinder them. Just going and going. Can you imagine?

How lucky are we to live in a world that allows us these two simple things
that we can experience for free?

Chasing the Dream

Was it Charles Manson who said "Crazy is getting up every morning and doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome"? So with that little tidbit of information stored in a place you may never let anyone else go - its Monday, again. The weekend was amazing. Three whole days away from the office to do whatever I wanted. I obviously didin't want much because I didn't do much. It's the little things you know? Like a three day weekend to make you realize how much time you spend doing things for everyone else but you. At what age do you realize it is YOUR life and you should do more things you want to do just for you? True I would still have to get up every morning, lets say if I had my own company, but I would be rising to the sound of the alarm clock for me and only me. Walk with me for a moment - you get up for yourself, prepare yourself, work for yourself and then you pay yourself. How amazing is that? I could take a dog to work, wear flip flops and have a 3 martini lunch if I wanted. I don't know how much the last one would affect my business but the point is its my business and none of your business. Ahhh, the American Dream.

The Lone Coyote

I was driving to work this morning preparing my mind and body for the day by listening to Ice Ice Baby (Vanilla Ice) and the Saints of Los Angeles (Motley Crue). I was just east of the Malbis exit on I-10 when I spotted a coyote jogging down the median. I wanted to pull over on the side of the intersate and just watch him. It must have been part of his morning workout routine or maybe he was just coming in from a long night because he looked exhausted. Not too long ago I saw a coyote in the same spot sunbathing around lunch time. It broke my heart to know that coyote was evicted from his forest home and now has to live by the highway. I believe the coyote is to this part of the country as the hyena is to Africa. A scavenger, a thief. However, I do have a soft spot in my heart for all animals including the would be John Gotti's and the Ozzie & Harriet's of the carnivore world. Maybe if I were the Road Runner I might not feel the same for the coyote. I wonder what Mother Nature thinks of all the greedy, over builders that drives her animals from their natural habitats and forces them to live among the very people who caused them to flee their homeland? Come to think of it, I think that coyote had an Acme box under his arm.