Sunday, January 31, 2010

Random Thoughts 15

Have you ever heard of chicken & waffles? I think its more of African-American tradition than not. Anywhoo, one my favorite places to grab a drive-thru lunch is Chick-fil-a. Served up are chicken sandwiches, nuggets, wraps & biscuits followed with a side called "waffle fries". Chicken & waffles, get it? I wonder if this combo was on purpose?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Soon To Be Mrs. Sixx

MÖTLEY CRÜE/SIXX A.M. bassist Nikki Sixx, who turned 51 in December, has confirmed the end of his two-year relationship with 27-year-old tattoo artist and "L.A. Ink" star Kat Von D (born Katherine Von Drachenberg).

"I want to wish Katherine nothing but the best in her life," Sixx writes on his MySpace page. "She has loved and inspired the hell outta me and I know I have done the same for her in these almost two years we ruled the earth together.

"We are taking a break from our relationship for reasons that we will choose to keep personal. You won't find me saying a bad word about her and I don't believe vice versa… We have too much wonderful history together to ever deface that."

The reasons they are choosing to break - well its just one really - ME. The picture below will be in the newspapers announcing our engagement (no gifts please).

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Beauty 101

There are a few items every woman should not only have but also use. Of Those few items one should be a bra. This isn't the 60's and due to environmental factors there is no need to burn them and rebellion is for boys. Please cinch your girls up and put them where they belong - they should rest between the top bend of your elbow and shoulder not on top of your belly. Bouncy can be sexy but stagnant flopping is not. Some can be pretty expensive but there are some that are relatively cheap for the job they do and when in doubt choose one with an under wire - higher is always better. Sure men say they like the "free" look but those men are talking about 25 year old women with perfectly tanned & augmented double D's. Even if you have teeny little A's surround them with some beautiful lace & microfiber. Remember ladies all members of the male species - boys, men & dirty old bastards - love the thrill of the hunt. Give them something to wrangle with before you hit the sheets or the back seat.

Next up is make-up. You don't have to have a paint palette like Tammy Faye Bakker or Dolly Parton. Don't even think pan-cake make-up for a second - spackling is for walls. Less is typically more in this arena. At least grab yourself the basics - facial moisturizer, mascara, lipstick, powder & an eyebrow brush. There is a reason God made beauty products - to be used and used often. You might not think men notice but they do. You've heard the statement "I prefer the natural look", men have no idea what natural is. What our manly partners think is natural takes hours to accomplish. If you are in doubt about the miracles make-up can do see for yourself.

Please ladies, do us all a favor - give your "girls" the attention and praise they deserve & practice the use of war paint. Rome wasn't built in a day so lets get started.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I Believe...

That Coca-Cola & Saltines will cure any stomach bug.

That lipstick completes any outfit.

That gossip can ruin someone's life.

That your business is just as important to someone as their business.

That trust is something hard to come by.

That a good haircut can make you walk taller, straighter & make you 15 lbs lighter.

In a good time.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Is It Wrong? (two more things)

Self proclaimed authors of Preppy and Southern Belle blogs.

Just because you have all things plaid or wear argyle work out clothes with your 4th generation pearls doesn't make you a prep. Because everything in your home is pink & green with curlz monogramming - well guess what Muffy, Buffy & Binky? Doesn't make you preppy either. Polo and LL Bean bedding doesn't automatically send you into prepdom.


Just because you are from (use overly exaggerated southern drawl) Jaw-guh, Alabamuh or that little ole' place we call South Carulinah doesn't make you a Southern Belle. Because you have a front poeh-uch and you sip mint juleps watching that pesky ol' sun set doesn't make you one either. Because you have small wrists, faint on sofas or because your family owned cotton fields...NO.

Why am I digging on these people? Because I do de-klair-uh I can! I am from the deep south, born he-uh, lived he-uh for 32 ye-uhs. I have no twangy, drippy sweet Scarlett O'Hara or Mama Gump drawl. If you don't believe me just ask this guy or this one. I don't wipe my mouth, I dab the corners. I sit with my legs crossed & I use yes ma'am & no sir on a daily basis. Just because you are from the region - it does not make you a Southern Belle, it makes you a Southerner. If you can prove to me you "were conceived under a magnolia, born under an azalea"...then we'll talk.


I have been sporting plaid, monogrammed clothing and handbags for 30 years! I wore pink in green in the 4th grade. I love cardigans. Fond of headbands & have a picture of John Jr. on my bedside table. My hair is straight and shoulder length too. None of these equate a trip to Preppyville. Unless you're a Kennedy & live on Martha's Vineyard you are out of sweet Lacoste luck.

Folks, please pull your head out of your pompus wanna-be asses.

Whew, I am tired.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Relationships 103

How many times have you heard or have been told "you need to take time for yourself", "you need time to grieve" or "you should wait a little while before you get into another relationship".

Let me address these - First, taking time for oneself. This is a very broad group of words put together in one seemingly small sentence. What the "giver" is suggesting is that you should not get into another relationship. One (myself) assumes the "giver" is lonely and doesn't have a relationship to speak of or the "giver" is jealous of the life you are about to lead (freedom). Taking time for oneself can be whatever the "receiver" wants it to be - learning a new hobby, slumber parties, learn Swahili, but lets be honest class how does one getting out of relationship move on and take time for their self - meeting new people & doing new things which could include dinner out at an expensive Asian fusion restaurant with an Asian fusion person. New things could also include some bedroom Olympics with Asian fusion flare of course (think geisha & foot binding). When I take time for oneself (me) it almost always involves someone else. Just saying.

Secondly, waiting a bit before getting into another relationship. What the "giver" is saying here is that you should take some time for yourself (see above).

Thirdly, taking time to grieve. No, not for a mortal death but relationship death. What the "giver" is saying here is you should wait a bit before getting into another relationship & that you should take some time for yourself (see above).

When someone is dishing out this advice do you really think they have your their best interest at heart? Doubtful. I've never told someone "take time for yourself" because I believe it to be a bullshit metaphor or analogy that involves deeply rooted jealousy from the "giver". I am not saying that I practice what I preach but if you want to bed hop, do it. Sew those whorish oats & sew them well. If you want to hide like a hermit and mimic Howard Hughes, do it. Climb Kilimanjaro? Just remember to layer & send me a postcard.

When men become divorced or are dumped where do they head? For the hottest bed they can find. Nothing wrong with that. Work out all of that pent up anger & irritability. Who does it hurt really? Men, women were designed to couple with one another & pro-create. Some can't pro-create so they just rehearse, a lot.

Basically the message the giver is delivering is don't get involved again - spend time with me - I don't have a man/woman friend neither should you.

Funny the stuff they won't tell ya...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Random Thoughts 14

Why are "they" called baby blues regardless of the age of the owner? What about teenage blues or adult blues? Little shit blues? Adolescent blues? Mid-life crisis blues? Baby browns? Baby greens?

What is tit for tat? Who came up with this little quip? If see a tat you get a tit? You get titted, you get tatted? Why not pit for pat or fit for fat? Who comes up with this stuff?

What if I become one of those parents (no I am not pregnant) who blog about their kids as I belittled those who do last week? Hopefully this genetic mishap is due to pass me by. Eeek, what if it doesn't? Surely I can count on ALL of YOU to slap me in the right way and the occassional wrong way if I do. I mean, I have 4 pups and I rarely throw them into the spotlight & let me tell you they deserve the spotlight because like their owner/mother - they are perfect.

Have you ever thought about how big of a space you would need if you were to put all of the things you buy & use but never keep, like toliet paper, food, food wrappers, tolietries, gas, hooch, feelings, heartache, water, make-up, medicine?

Monday, January 18, 2010

I Almost Forgot....

"Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more, you should never wish to do less". ~~ General Robert E. Lee

Happy Birthday.

Man Candy Monday

I think I saw a faux dimple...

"Yeah,...that's not gonna happen".

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Is It Wrong? (ok, just one more thing)

Twilight blogs. New Moon Blogs. Vampire blogs. Jacob, Bella & Edward please, please, with all the blood you two are involved with, surely you can acquire some type of terminal blood borne illness that will cause these Twi-Hards to mourn themselves to death.

That's all I have to say about that.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Is It Wrong? (one more thing)

Blogs with these words:

This Girl
One Girl
Or their real name

in the blog title likens to me the sound of fingernails scratching a chalkboard. Blogs are about our opinions, opinions and views but could you just be a bit more creative? Orignial? Some fine examples of blog titles that are super smart, witty with creative orignality are:

You're Shitting Me, Right?
Fuck Your Blog
Dantes 2nd Inferno
Fragrant Liar
Dear You, You and You
Something Savage This Way Comes

Words are just words but with the right ones you can lure the world right to your corner of the web. This "one more thing" does not pertain to any of my blogging corespondents who have any of these in their blog titles because you were simply grandfathered in. Squatter's rights if you will.

Good grief, I must be spotting or something.

Sing Along Time

I was watching American Idol last night & this song popped into my head. Time heals all wounds, right? Well, I think the right words can help with the band aid work too.

Show Me What I'm Looking For ~~ Carolina Liar

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Is It Wrong?

Is it wrong that I completely detest blogs that feature pictures of kids, usually the author's own, doing mundane things like standing in front of a rose garden, laying in the floor or showy a cheesy grin because of a tooth loss? Throw in a snippet or two of Little Rosie & Clyde doing something grand like smearing the walls with grape jelly or shaving the dog but keep the report card reporting, dance competition and altar boy information to yourself - it's not interesting.

The other type of blog I detest is the "I'm getting married blog". White Fiji mums mums, cucumber-mint crepes and white tapers followed by an encore of Wind Beneath My Wings, please as politely as I can say this "shut your fucking mouth and point us toward the open bar" ...oh wait, there is one more - the weight loss journey. Here's a hint - don't eat, starve. Anerexoia does work. I understand the need to celebrate things/milestones in our lives but I'd never tell the world how much I weighed, what size clothes I wore or what my wedding cake filling is going to be - because why class? It's not interesting.

Could it be that I am just a bitter, not really old, sassy bitch? I am sure that my blog contents aren't appealing to all but its highly doubtful - I am quite the catch if you know what I mean. Where handbags, Man Candy and vodka cocktails fall - excitement abounds!

Yeah, yeah to each their own and all that free speech bullshit. I know.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Hook 'Em

Sunday, January 3, 2010

My Newest Guilty Pleasure

Yeah, yeah say whatever you want too. The Jersey Shore is the shit. I am a product & victim of the original MTV generation and love reality TV. MTV was the originator of reality TV with my first guilty pleasure, The Real World: New York in 1992 - I jumped on that band wagon & have yet to bail.

And that little guido number below & to the the filling in my canoli.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Random Thoughts 13

As I venture into the new year...I have a few new thoughts:

Why is it called the red carpet? Is green or purple offensive? Why I do declare, purple is the color of royalty and green the color of envy.

Why do some sellers on Ebay take pictures of their items to be sold on the floor? Fake Fendi or not, I don't want it on the floor.

Ever seen the commercial regarding plastic bottled water : "Fifteen minutes in a car, forever in a landfill"? Ok, I get the part about going green. But what about plastic soda bottles? We've been plastic bottling soda a lot longer than we have water. Do plastic soda bottles disintegrate more quickly than plastic water bottles?

Friday, January 1, 2010

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot...

and never brought to mind? Depends.

I was talking to a friend yesterday on the phone and if you knew how our relationship works and now you will because I will tell you, our entire relationship is based via email, you would understand that something important was up that warranted a phone call. The email thread began like this:

Me to her: What are you doing tonight?

Her to me: Can you call me?

I call. She says are you sittng down? Why yes I am. She is my last day here at Acme Widgets Inc. She's quitting her job of 7 years to chase happiness. How fucking cool is that? She begins her new year, her new decade with no plan, nothing on the back burners. Wreckless abandon? I think not. I told her that she had the biggest set of fuzzy balls I'd ever seen and I secretly wanted to cup them.

Today I make only two resolution for the new year. One - I resolve to not let myself be forced into corners by decisions that were made for me and not by me and two - to check my voice mail more often.

Welcome Twenty-Ten & Happy New Year!!

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