Monday, August 30, 2010

Guest Post

I received an email from one of my followers asking to be an anonymous guest "poster". Surely I my guest. After reading her post, I realized the need for anonymity and was torn as to whether I should actually post this. I chose to and here it is:

In June 1997 I was not fully mature by way of life lessons learned and then taught. Able to run and fly freely I became involved with a man who was a bit older than I who was "involved" elsewhere. The relationship began with a birthday drink, was supposed to be nothing more, nothing less but it found its way into a lot more. The relationship was long lasting, fun to say the least. During a moment of fun our concentration broke. A month later I was "late" by 6 days and then by 10. I was a complete wreck because there was no way my family would ever accept this and my "man" had other dealings to deal with.

I met my "man" in a public park and we drove to get a pregnancy test. In a public park, in a public restroom I took the test as my "man" stood outside the bathroom door. It immediately came back positive and I cried. He heard me and said "come on out baby". I thought the test had to be defective so we drove to get another one, the test results were the same.

The next morning I called the doctor's office and said I needed to get in immediately & the nurse asked the question "are you pregnant?", "yes, I think so". Into the doctor's office, in the examining room, the doctor knocks and them comes in "well first of all congratulations". I cried and shook my head and said "I don't want it." The doctor talked with me a few minutes and then took me into their office and gave me information for a clinic. I made my way back to work and closed my office door and made the call to the clinic. The lady on the other end asked me a few questions - how old, married, how far along, what day was best for me. The appointment was made for a Saturday morning and the cost was $350.00, cash only. I still lived at home, my parents had no idea and that was the way I wanted it to stay. At this point only my "man" and I knew and it was he who gave me the money. I had to get up severely early to make the appointment so I lied to my parents as to why I was leaving the house before dawn on a Saturday morning. I told them I was doing something good so I could do something bad.

I arrived at the clinic alone. As I walked toward the building a lady holding a poster asked if she could talk to me. I didn't respond and walked with my head down. When I made my way inside the double glass doors I saw the waiting room was full of people, I tried to not make any eye contact. I was ashamed, embarrassed, couldn't believe this was happening to me but from my surroundings I could see I was one of many. I filled out some paperwork, paid & was taken into another room full of girls and women where a bag of "nothings" were given out. The bag included: abortion literature, aftercare information, condoms, prescription for Orthotricyclene and a gingerbread man cookie with a poem attached to it - it said something about when in doubt you can just bite his head off. The group of us watched an informational video and were given a pill to take the "edge off". Some of the group talked about their situation. One woman said she had 3 kids and couldn't have anymore, she couldn't afford it. I chose to not share my situation. The fact I was there was enough. One by one we were called and one by one taken into an examining room where we had an ultrasound. The nurse rubbed the wand over my belly, she asked if I wanted to look. I couldn't. I was about 8 weeks she said.

In another room I was told to undress from the waist down, given a paper something to cover up with and lie down. I did. Over the table, taped to the ceiling was a poster of kitten hanging on tree limb "Hang on baby" it read. To the right side of the table was some sort of pump. It resembled something from a medical experiment that possibly had gone wrong. Out of the wall a man entered. I say wall because I didn't notice a door. He was much older, tall and skinny. He spoke something to me and said to lie still. I heard a suctioning sound and felt severe cramps in my pelvic region. The noise stopped, there was movement below my waist and the suction and cramps started again. No more suction, the man said something and I felt myself bleeding onto the table. I was very alert. No pain medication or local anesthesia was administered. The pill given earlier had long worn off. I tried to not cry, look or listen. I failed miserably at the first one. I am not sure how long the termination took but when he was finished I just wanted to lay there and never face anything again. I was a murderer. I didn't want to think about what I had done. I didn't for a long time, I had pushed it so far down. I received further instruction for aftercare and was given some medicine for possible infection, a cookie and juice. I got in my car and drove home.

I was watching TV over the weekend, a documentary called 12th and Delaware. It was about an abortion clinic and pro-life organization who moved in across the street. There was a picture on a poster carried by a protester in the documentary of a baby's head in a petrie dish, it was an aborted baby. The baby's head was so small it was held between the end of tweezers. Every bit of emotion I've held in came out right then. Years of tears and hating myself flowed freely. I feel no better and there is no relief in knowing what I have done. Every year that passes it gets a little harder to suppress wondering about the little whos and whats of what might have been. At the time I felt the decision were right and it was best for everyone but mostly right for me. Now a lifetime later, I am ashamed, disgusted, sorry, heartbroken, regretful and I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I wonder if that little baby is somewhere watching over me even though I took his or her chance at life away. I hope so.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Hurts My Eyes

I am a lover of reality TV. The more drama and confusion the better which means I love the Real Housewives of New York. I stumbled across this, this morning & just like any good old fashioned train wreck I couldn't look away :

Look Here

Hurts my eyes, I mean my ears.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Why do your eyes get red when you cry? Why do they swell & get puffy?

Why is a broken hip a sure sign of impending death?

Why does alcohol allow you to admit more about yourself than you should?

Why do girls say they want a good guy when they will love a piece of shit more?

Why is the work week 5 on & 2 off?

Why hasn't Osama Bin Laden been found?

What makes breasts more attractive than elbows?

What if life everlasting in a kingdom made of gold and precious jewels is the grandest fairy tale of all? (If it isn't or is, we'll never know)

Monday, August 23, 2010

Christmas Doth Come Early

Since Nikki Sixx and Kat Von D. have split for the second time my telephone line has been blowing up. Nikki is calling every hour on the hour & I can't say I mind at all. I suggested he & the Crue participate in Bay Fest which just happens to be hosted in my homeport. Well guess what? They absofuckinlutely are:

Coincidence? I think not.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Self Mutilation

Yesterday, I got a bright idea to lunge down the hall every time I had to go to the bathroom. Lunging at work - yes, my idea alone. I consume mass quantities of water daily so I lunged a lot. The bathroom is roughly 45 feet from my desk but only 23 feet of that is "lungeable" because I would have to lunge in the lobby & know one wants to see that. So due to my efforts yesterday, today my thighs are singing. I dropped the shampoo bottle in the shower this morning & I screamed as I bent down to pick it up. I can't sit down to pee, I have to hover and to add insult to injury I thought I would try to lunge this morning to advance myself more, I almost fainted.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Triple Question Marks

I've came across a couple, few dozen blogs lately with the subject of dating. One particular blog stated that the author was listed on several dating sites. Ok, I get the premise of this - screening, scanning, skeezing. What happened to good ol' fashioned meeting face to face for the first interaction whether it be at a social gathering, church function or reaching for the same box of KY at the super market? On line dating almost seems desperate to me like you aren't good enough to do it in person. You can be anyone in an online profile - rich, tall, 34DD, fun, outgoing, citizen of the year. You get the obscurities as well - people person, likes people, outgoing, loves life. Decades ago when people actually visited chat rooms & the first question was always A/S/L, because I am smart ass by my own rite my response would sometimes look like this - 43/M/Leavenworth, not really obscure but absolutely incorrect. Some of the dating stories I have read that involves meetings via dating websites is so unbelievable yet like a train wreck, you can't stop watching and reading. I guess better them than me...

Now what about chicks with long hair who pulls it forward? Like they are wearing a hair necklaces, a hair boa or a hair scarf. Do they not know they are hiding their breasts and I like to show mine off? They constantly pull it forward and smooth it out and it leaves this weird upside down "V" in the back of their head. It looks like the thought of pig tails entered their empty little heads but stifled out for whatever reason.

Onward & upward.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I Wonder...

Why do accent pillows cost so much?

Monday, August 16, 2010

400. Lucky number 400.

400. The 3 digit number preceding 401 and succeeding 399 and is a base number in self of 10. Not to much special in history regarding 400 but very special in the blog world because it is my 400th post. Foh-hundred. Seems like a lot but if I had posted every day since I began blogging it'd be more like 800 but I still would have celebrated my 400th post. I thought this post would be informative consisting of 400 words or at least 400 minutes of thought put into it but I am not that good, yet.

So happy 400 to me and today's horoscope for me reads :

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

An unexpected message comes your way, so keep your eyes and ears open -- as well as your IM window and your inbox. You may be thinking about the long-term, and the universe is making big plans for you that you had no idea were in motion. The more open your mind is, the better! While it might not seem quite perfect at first glance, it should certainly grow on you quickly.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Extra, Extra! Read All About it!

Stop the presses people, stop the mutha truckin' presses.

A little ol' band called Van Halen has announced a reunion tour featuring David Lee Roth as the front man. Oh be still my beating heart! The line up is original sans Michael Anthony but not to be derailed, his replacedment is by Wolfgang Van Halen, hopefully the apple doesn't' fall to far from the tree. New record out in stores in 2011 followed with a world tour. Yes, Virgina there is a Santa Claus!

I saw DLR 4 years ago while he was slumming in Mobile, Alabama. Leather pants, shorter hair, sipping from a fifth of Jack Daniels, sweating and practicing he ancient art of Karate like there was no tomorrow. I rushed the stage in true crazed fan antics and only to turn my humidity soaked, drunken self around to a guy who offered me a fatty. I declined & he shrugged and exhaled into the air. High on ghanga or not it was awesome.



Go ahead: JUMP!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The More I Wine The Better I Feel

Last night I cried myself to sleep for no particular reason or maybe its the weight of a small, small world - my world. Some days I wake up and can't believe this is my life. Certainly not the dream I had envisioned for myself but mine nonetheless. I think about the many people who have come and gone and they ones who have stayed. The ones I've hurt, the ones who've hurt me and who will hurt the other down the road. I think of all the wrong I've done which outshines all of the right and again I think - this can't be my life. I think of all the roads I've taken to get me where I am now and wonder if I had just done this or if I had just done that would it have made a difference at all. When I have deja vu I think surely I am right where I am supposed to be no matter if I want to be there or not.

When I was a wee one and as all little girls do I was in beauty pageants. As you sauntered across the stage the emcee would read aloud a short questionnaire you had answered about yourself. A couple of the questions were favorite foods & what do you want to be when you grow up. My answers: fried chicken, a doctor or lawyer who carried an alligator briefcase. My, my how the times did change. I am in the beer business going on 15 years now which means I am not a doctor or a lawyer, however beer causes you to need both and I do not carry an alligator briefcase but I do have a crocodile handbag tucked away in my closet. And fried chicken? Is fried even a politically correct term now? My life turned out close enough to my pageant questionnaire, right?

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

~~ I'm Movin' On, Rascal Flatts

Monday, August 9, 2010

Man Candy Monday

Old school, retro man candy with dimples.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Slit My Throat, Please

The words musings, muse, random & rants still get on my nerves. Aren't all blogs random? And our thoughts, random? Do you have to announce it? "Hello, this is my blog space and I have random thoughts and random rants and I am just a random woman and I write"...uh, huh. Tell us you have a random cock that writes, bet your readership will increase greatly.

How many of you wake up wild eyed & bushy tailed on a daily basis? For me, its probably 5 out of 7 days but somewhere between the first morning tinkle and the final rinse off in the shower it becomes crazy eyed and my tail tucked between my legs like a scalded dog. How does de-motivation come so quickly? Daily, I daydream of being a better person, enriching my life, going the extra mile by learning humility, contentment and gaining wisdom. Those day dreams fly right out the window.

I am a loner by my own definition: because I am an only child. I need very little human interaction to be happy. I am not my own best friend but I serve the purpose. There was a time of grand socializing in my life. A time when every day and night was filled with some kind of activity: breafast, lunch, dinner, cocktails, dances, parties, weekend get-a-ways. Not really sure how I did it, because I had so little money, but I did it and I did it well. Even when sick, I prefer to ride it out alone. Then I think about getting older when I am laying on the bathroom floor in my Depends, puking, feverish and sucking my thumb like a two year old child, who will take care of me? Who would want to? Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey, Ricky Bobby? Surely there will be a time when I will crave the love and caring hands of another.

Sorry, Ricky Martin is in town.

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