Game Face

In my quest for the perfect body also known as the one I had in high school I sought advice from a fellow wordsmith. The advice given was this:

Stop stuffing your face. Cut your calorie intake to almost nothing.
Food is the enemy just look at what it has done to you.
Exercise.
Set a new goal every 3 days.
"Do something" for two hours every day. Note: doing something is meant to be done at the gym.

Not harsh, to the point and there was no pain in hearing said advice. So many others will tell you that its not healthy to, in short, not eat. Half times two = eat half as much and exercise twice as much than usual.

Then I asked to be motivated. The motivation given was this:

"I'd never fuck a fat chick".

Pretty harsh, to the point and I felt a sting. I thought "Disect the words and handle this". Any food item that was in my mouth, in my hand, in my desk drawer or in my pocket went directly to the bottom of the garbage can. Sure some of you ladies are saying "what a prick" or "men are filled with such douche baggery" maybe so but the person was honest at best. Some of you men say you like meatier gals and that any "pooty-poo" is good "pooty-poo" pudgy or not. I want no thoughts while I am underneath, on top of or having someone directly behind me thinking other than how good I feel, how much they love me or how awesome my boobs look. I want nothing to do with fat content entering anyone's mind when I'm circling the pleasure zone.

I find myself couple watching more than ever these days. The diversity of the human species is amazing: dumpy, perfect posture, short, tall, fat, skinny, long hair, red hair, no hair, buck teeth, no teeth, big boobs, fake boobs, Asian, Italian, trailer trash, freckled, dimpled, fair, dark, toned and tanned. In my observance I find it a rarity to behold a chubby man with an "above average" woman but see really chubby women with "above average" men. I define above average as - nice hair/good hair, handsome/attractive, not overweight, in shape, well dressed, well spoken. Why the role reversal here? Especially during the days of arm candy and trophy wives? Typically a woman says "as long as he treats me good, nothing else matters". I work with ALOT of men so I see and hear daily the barrage of cat calls, filthy gestures made with their manly members and the seductive lure of stepping into the supply closet for a little taboo favor swapping which says to me "I have fatty at home but will slap the ass of the hottie at work"...no harm, no foul, right?

I would never say about a man "I'd like to hit that or smoke that pole" unless the smoking hit involved Nikki Sixx (Heff, not one word). Men and women are wired so differently with so much competition. Ugh, let me put my game face on.

Man Candy Monday

Another fine product of Texas, is a little weird, likes to run around half-naked and he has dimples.

Random Thoughts 10

Why can't you switch the blade on the guy in shades?

I suck at making coffee.

Drinking hot coffee without adding sugar makes me feel like a grown-up.

During the years of 1988 - 1991 I wore only GUESS jeans and GUESS t-shirts. My parents were seperated & my dad never paid child support. My mother brought home in pay from her job $164 a week. The price of a pair of GUESS jeans at that time were $50 and the t-shirts were $20. I have no idea of how she did it but my shit looked good. Thanks mom for not letting me be the odd kid out.

Last night at dinner I observed an older couple - late 40's early 50's. Man had a dirty biker moustache, lots of hair combed directly back but was frizzy, tanned, lots of jewelry including pinky rings. Woman had long bleach blonde hair pulled into a high pony tail with bad bangs, she also wore lots of jewelry - a ring on every finger including her thumbs. She had a huge rack & not the type you want to motorboat. Seriously, their images mirrored each other. They both ate like they had just gotten out of prison. Elbows on the table & kethcup on their steak. As I watched them I wondered if I would fall victim of not letting go of a way I looked at a certain age?

Happy Birthday

Mafia Boss Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr. a/k/a James Gandolifini turns the big FOUR EIGHT today.

"There's an old Italian saying: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth".

Throw Back Thursday

That's right - a trucker & his pet monkey - BJ McKay and his best friend Bear.

My dad is a trucker (I know, how did I come to have so much proper etiquette & grace sans the potty mouth of course? All I can say is miracles do happen.) I use to ride along with my dad when he would make short "runs" and there was always some racket coming from the CB radio. One of my favorite terms used was Kojak with a Kodak.

"Breaker-breaker 1-9".

"Come on back Go Yonder".

"Better back that bucket of bolts down. There is a Kojak with a Kodak on the overpass". Don't go feeding the bears".

"10-4".

Thought for the Evening

What exactly is it that I want & what am I willing to pay to get it?

Thought for the Day

Where does the truth lie?

Goodbye Johnny Castle...

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner".

Work Rant!

On a daily basis I probably take 30-50 phone calls. We do things the "old school" way - we actually write down messages & deliver them to the appropriate party. While answering the phone, taking and delivering messages is part of my job & I should be glad to have one I still so get so rattled and unnerved when people leave messages that begin or end like this:

"Good Morning Happy Thrills Condom Farm"

"I am looking for Hans Trojan"

"Who is calling"

"Gooey Panties with the Today Sponge"

"Was he expecting your call"

"No"

"One moment please"

"I'm sorry Mr. Trojan is not available. May I take your #"

"Yes, I am leaving for Pigsknuckle, Arkansas for the National Spermicidal Conference, so I will have to leave my WORK cell phone # 251-555-5555. I will be on the road from 9-5 if he can't reach me via my WORK cell, he can call my PERSONAL cell and that # is 251-444-4444. If he can't reach me on either of those, here is my work VM, he can try me there. I check those messages daily OR you can just give him a message for me"

Reason for rant: Who gives a shit whether it is your cell phone #, home # or your office # - I/We/The entire world doesn't need the details of what number you are giving and your office is in the same city as mine mine, I don't need you to rattle off the fucking area code. Please don't take away unecessary seconds of my life that I will never get back. If he wasn't expecting your call or doesn't recongize your name chances are you'll never get a return call so we do not need the 411 of who, what, when or why.

Thanks for calling.

Man Candy Monday

I know what you all are thinking - he has no dimples. You are correct but look at that crooked smile, the white hat, those hard working hands - I've been known to make concessions from time to time for a cowboy.

So when the world won't turn the way you wish it would,
And the dreams don't come alive as often as they should,
Remember that there's someone there whose heart is always true,
I'll always be the man in love with you.

The Man In Love With You ~~ George Strait

Probably wasn't written for me but a girl can dream.

Random Thoughts 9

I feel confident I will die alone.

This was a new secret posted on Post Secret today & it has saddened me to no end:



I can't believe I'm a blawger. Buh-lawger.

Sometimes I go more than two days without calling my mom. When this happens I feel sorry for her because I am her only child.

I wonder if Dolly Parton is as genuine a person, positive and perky as she seems to be and if she looks as good outta her clothes as she does in them.

When I see people standing at an intersection asking for handouts, I never make eye contact. After I drive away I wonder if a dollar from me would have been the one that saved them. In all reality probably not but I still wonder.

In Remembrance

Let us not forget.

Throw Back Thursday

Just in case you don't know who these two outlaws are - Bo & Luke Duke is their name. Bo was always the front runner in terms of the "hottie" but since I have a penchant for the lesser known - I'd test Luke's water first.

Tears in my Beer #2

Some time ago I kicked at the air about this.

Here is a follow up to it:

Two weeks ago myself, my mother, my granddaddy & grandmother were eating lunch. A good friend of mine appears and says "Are y'all having a family party without me?". I said "where did you come from?". Friend says "I've been here the entire time. I saw you when you came in." I said "well, I didn't even see you." My grandmother says "It was probably because you were too busy feeding your face". Lucky for me my friend deflected the negativity before the Goodyear blimp comments started and says to my grandmother "that is what I came here for & I enjoyed every bite."

*sigh*

Before these two instances another "set" of grandparents once told me "You should wear more make-up. We just want you to be pretty and thin".

*sigh*

Some people might wonder what triggered their poor eating habits and poor body image issues - I've never had to wonder.

Man Candy Monday

Typically, I am not into the flaunting of ripped tummies or arms, mine or anyone else's but you see the picture is about the dimples....not all the other stuff. Dimples make the world go round.

Headaches & Hotdogs

I have a slight headache not due to over an indulgence of adult beverages. I had a hot dog for last night's dinner.

There comes a time in everyone's life - some may call it a crossroad, a turning point, an awakening, a brush with death - when important and timely decisions have to be made. Have to be, not should be. Those decisions include but are not limited to weight loss, putting down the bottle, giving up the blue eye shadow, picking up slack in your relationships, career changes and so on. Basically anything that is slowing killing the branches of your tree and you have to cut off the bad ones before it rots the entire thing. (I've always thought ROT was a raunchy word). So comes the question "when is enough, enough?". What has propelled you to make the leap, the one thing that freed your feet from the bucket of cement? Was it an ultimatium? Too many fingers pointed in your face? Bad news from the doctor? The fact that you had to dip yourself into oil and jump off of your bed into your pants just to get them on?

--OR--

What kept you in the same place never moving forward and just steeping in misery and only having thoughts of what could be? Not knowing what waited beyond the door you wanted to walk out? Tied to tightly to the bedpost?


“I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor” ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Sing Along Time

She says she hates to sleep alone, but she'll do it to night
She wants to grab her telephone, but she knows it ain't right
So if he won't call, she'll survive, and if he don't care, she'll get by
Climb into bed, bury her head, and cry

From the beginning he was all anyone could have been
They were delirious with love; they were certain to win
Now he's breaking plans more and more, and he's leaving notes on her door

Took a trip out of town, couldn't turn this one down;
He said, "I guess I should have told you before."

She says she feels like she's addicted to a real bad thing,
Always sitting, waiting, wondering if the phone will ring,
She knows she bounces like a yo-yo when he pulls her string,
It hurts to feel like such a fool.
She wants to tell him not to call or come a round again,
He doesn't need her now at all the way that she needs him.
She's on the edge about to fall from leaning out and in,
And she don't know which way to move.

She wants to be fair; she couldn't say he was ever unkind,
But if she could bear to walk away, she thinks he wouldn't mind
'Cause he just keeps himself so apart and there's no one else in her heart,
So she's taking a dive from an emotional high and coming down hard.

She's determined to try, but she'll still give in when he gives her a call.
She'll ask herself why, but in the end it won't matter at all.
Sure, she could sit at home, stay inside and sleep alone with her pride
And as she walks out that door, she feels as weak as before with nothing to hide.

Addicted~~Dan Seals

Men, guys, dudes even dirty rocker boys (except the ones who read my blog, of course) are all the same. Selfish, prickish by nature, lying always thinking of themselves and not the other, not caring who they hurt or at what cost.

It might just be the time to "taste the rainbow".

Post Do-Over #2

Because I am wordless and have nothing in my life worthwhile to blog about, I figured I'd do a post do-over. So for you reading pleasure I chose a post from
one day and one year ago (366 days)...

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Choice Chosen

Not too long ago I wrote a short essay on my choice of not having kids. This morning everything I wrote in that short essay came to fruition. As I was sitting in a restaurant ordering breakfast a couple next to me had not one, two or three kids but four. There should be some type of cap of the amount of children one should have especially if they choose to make them "door steps". The smallest child probably 3 years old, cotton top blonde, wore a white t-shirt with a red stain down the front and shoeless was sitting in between mom and dad. As their breakfast order arrived, the child stood up in his seat and exclaimed "pancake!". Then he proceeded to sit on the table while mom just watched. He also threw a fork to the other side of the restaurant. The he attempted to throw the salt shaker - the older sister took the shaker before he could make the double play. Mom nor dad did not get up and retrieve the fork or make an apology to the couple sitting at the table it landed under. The kid continued to shriek as he ate his pancake. The other smallest child was crying because his pancake didn't look right...

Behind me, sat another small child in a high chair. A two year old boy with a horrific "bowl" haircut, that in my opinion just screams "brat" in a overall "onesy" with his name, Ben, embroidered on the front. This particular child was making sounds like the mermaid, Madison, from the movie Splash as she tried to say her name in her native language, "eeeyyyyeeeeeeeek, eeeyyyeeeeeeeek". Maybe the windows didn't shatter but my eardrums burst. An older child at the table was instructed to take Ben outside because he needed to walk (like he was a puppy or something). So she does and in doing so she takes Ben from chair and he cries and flails around in her arms because he wants to be let down. Then outside, stands right in front of the window where I am sitting, holding Ben so he can waive at his mother. Ben's overalls should have read - Damien.

Need I say more?

Man Candy Monday

I'll take 300 of whatever he is offering.

Oh, and P.S. I love you.

Typical

Why does everything have to be a struggle and why does being in love feel so shitty and lonely at times? Is that part of taking the good with the bad? If so, you can keep all of it.

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Leona Lewis ~~ Better In Time

Random Thoughts 8

Out of 163 posts, I only have 8 posts that are random thoughts of gibberish. (ok, that is a little white lie, all the posts are gibberish and some of the gibbering is premeditated)

What is worse? Living with someone you don't love or loving someone you don't live with?

Why is IT called a "crush"?

Why do men say they prefer women with meat on their bones? Is it to heighten the chances of getting laid while in the presence of a meaty gal because slim has met pickin's? Example: Posters. No one has a poster on their wall, in their locker of a chunky Delta Burke, a bottom heavy Rachael Ray or a fluffy Anna Nicole Smith.

Random thoughts are time consuming & at points, like when in the shower or eating sauerkraut, are also overwhelming. Stupid random thoughts.

Random Thoughts 7

Trampolines will kill you.

Why does bad news travel in three's?

What is a lost highway? What makes it lost? Is it a mental highway? An emotional highway? Is it a metaphor for a dry spell in your sex life?

Ever notice, lets say, you and someone are talking about something random like an old movie such as Cannonball Run or the definition of googootz then a couple of days later you see the movie is playing on TNT and someone asks you if you ever eaten googootz. You haven't thought about the subject in question in years, you talk about it and then it shows up in another coversation, on TV or in your front yard.

How powerful is the power of suggestion?

Man Candy Monday

Yes, he is Italian. Yes, he loves his mother. Yes, he was a Calvin Klein underwear model. Yes, he drives a Cadillac. But most importantly - Antonio Sabato, Jr. has dimples.

Eat it up.

Two Fer Tuesday

This is what we call a "money shot".




And this.

Let's see your "money shot".

Monday Man-Candy

"Absufuckinglutely".

No, No, No.

Random Thoughts 5

Actually, this is not random thoughts, it is more random actions. Not even random actions - only one random action.

Today, I threw away all of my wedding lingerie. ALL. Not one scantily clad, tangible memory remains of that night or the honeymoon week (that is a lie, but no under garments remain). Their new home will be the county garbage dump. I have no idea of why I held onto the frilly, romantic & naughty little pieces but I did. The clue I should have caught is for the past 5 years the see through, lacy & stringy pieces rested right next to a 40caliber Smith & Wesson handgun. Probably not the true meaning of " all is fair in love and war" but just maybe the idea is all the same.

This Old Thing?

I was doing a bit of late summer cleaning involving my closet and look what I found...



Why I haven't worn this in ages.

I had forgotten that I had locked up and chained down this piece of meat. Don't worry ladies, Ryan Reynolds is a classic accessory. He can be worn season after season.

Take From It What You Will

So if you're pissed like me
Bitches, here's what you gotta do
Put your middle fingers up in the air
Go on and say "Fuck you"
~~ Theory of a Deadman - I Hate My Life

And you can get free refills on this when ever you like.

100th Post - Revisted

Everyone does it...so I am following suit. I did not celebrate my 100th blog post, so I decided to re-visit it, re-post it and break out the Le Veuve Clicquot. Cheers my little darlings, drink it up.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Dear Me

A letter to 15 year old me from my 32 year old self.

Dear Me,

The year is 2008 and it has been a busy year. Presidential elections are up in November. Gas prices are at an all time high and the economy is poor. However, none of that is really important to you. I wanted to get in touch with you and give you some of the ole’ “if I knew then what I know advice”. I’ll start with family is important. Enjoy the meals at the dinner table with our parents. Take that trip to Mobile with Papa by yourself. Visit our grandparents when they are sick. Keep in touch with our cousins after you think you’ve outgrown each other. Take our time when it comes to the boys. Heartache is right around the corner and comes sooner than you think. We’ll love and lose and finally we will love and win but its not Nikki Sixx waiting for us in the winner’s circle. All that time we spend alone now, we’ll enjoy later, too. Don’t mess around our junior year in high school. Mom is not going to let us go back to our old school no matter how badly we try to fail in the new one. Try all of the new hair styles and start flossing now. The world will come at us hard sometimes but just get up, dust ourself off and get back in the game. Remember anything worth having is worth fighting and working for. We are going to experience some amazing things and get somethings we surely didn't deserve. You are a good person and know that everything you endure now will make you stronger later. Keep reaching and keep rising.

In our best interest,

Me

Sing Along Time

Just for you.

You know who you are & you know why.

My New Motto

Drama for Life

I ask myself "how can one person have so much drama at this late stage in life?" Will it ever, by it I mean me, be normal?

Help me Jesus. Help me Tom Cruise. Help me Oprah Winfrey.

Apples & Rocking Chairs

I came home from work Thursday and found in my mailbox an invitation to a wedding reception from a friend. My friend is getting married in Oahu, Hawaii and is having an informal reception back "home". Instead of feeling happy, I felt sad for myself. Sad because my name wasn't on the invitation announcing my soon to be joyous union with another. Sad because it is not I who will be sending out thank you notes for all the gifts received in honor of the delightful occasion. Sad because it will not be myself and another figuring out what to do with hundreds of leftover white napkins with foil letters on them. Sad because it will not be me returning a Noritake Chandon Platinum soup tourine because we were accidentally given two of them. Because it is not ME.

Some of you know that I have already walked down the blissful aisle covered in rose petals only to find myself dredging through a swamp of tears and hurt three years later. Five years later than that I find myself drowning in the same swamp wondering what happened and where it all went wrong. No answers and no closure.

I sold my wedding band last year to a stranger for $45.00. As I examined the gold, platinum and diamond circle of eternal love before placing it in the stranger's hand, I thought the exchange of memory for cash would signify something and that something that never came. My wedding dress hangs in my closet, in a home I share with another man. I can't let it go. Not yet. Not today.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever dig out of the hole my ex-husband buried me in. A hole that stings, pinches and suffocates me from time to time.

*Note* The title of this post has nothing to do with the contents.

**Waiting**

For the love of Pete, would you please hurry your hot dirty rocker ass up? I can't hold this position forever, dinner is ready and I ran out of black eyeliner.

¡Apure por favor!

No Title 2

Sometime a song can say what you're feeling & sometime's a song is all you need....

Wasted Time
~~ The Eagles

Well baby, there you stand
With your little head, down in your hand
Oh, my god, you can't believe it's happening
Again
Your baby's gone, and you're all alone
And it looks like the end.

And you're back out on the street.
And you're tryin' to remember.
How will you start it over?
You don't know what became.
You don't care much for a stranger's touch,
But you can't hold your man.

You never thought you'd be alone this far
Down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time

The autumn leaves have got you thinking
About the first time that you fell
You didn't love the boy too much, no, no
You just loved the boy to well, farewell
So you live from day to day, and you dream
About tomorrow, oh.
And the hours go by like minutes
And the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to
Make them go away
And I could have done so many things, baby
If I could only stop my mind from wondrin' what
I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time

Ooh, another love has come and gone
Ooh, and the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
'sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone.
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can
Get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find , that it wasn't really
Wasted time

Self-Economics

Ec⋅o⋅nom⋅ics [ek-uh-nom-iks, ee-kuh-]
–noun 1. (used with a singular verb) the science that deals with the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services, or the material welfare of humankind.

Self-worth [self-wurth]
–noun the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

We are all worth something whether we want to believe it or not. Some of us might be worth more on paper, some by what we have hidden under a matress and some by our inner workings. In today's poor economy, what is your self-worth?

Tears in My Beer

Today I had lunch with my family at my grandparent's home. After lunch, the men hang out in front of the TV and take naps and the ladies take to the front porch to rock and swing. In the middle of our rocking and swinging my grandmother looks at me and says "I just realized who you remind me of, Aunt Jessie". "She had black hair and was short, squatty and fat". I have not much of an idea who Aunt Jessie was, all I could say was "I hope she was pretty". Her response, "she wasn't a bad looking woman". Uh, ok. Then sometime later she says "you have an Italian nose". Uhhh, ok. I am an overly sensitive person. Have been all my life. It was all I could do not to roll away crying. No my grandmother wasn't over or under medicated and she is not going senile. I can only surmise that when you reach a certain age you can say whatever to whoever you want. Also in my summation, I realize when my feelings get hurt it doesn't make me want to rise above the comment and find the better me. Instead I want to retreat into a place that is dark and alone. I've always said I like my own company better than anyone else's and this might be the reason why. I don't need constant reminders of my shortcomings ie. too fat, too selfish, take too many naps, have too many freckles, my non-Italian heritage, liking of expensive things and that I will eat ketchup on the finest steak in town. I'm a realist, none of us are perfect but isn't that for our own judging if we should be judged at all?

I think I'll I go sit in my closet and have a cocktail now.

The Eye of the Beholder

When you see this image what emotion does it trigger? Pride? Ignorance? Heritage? Hate? Misunderstanding? Dueling banjos? Or something all together different?

Random Thoughts 6

If I have no children but everything else I desire will I be happy, satisfied or just content? I am pretty sure I don't feel incomplete due to not having any but does society really dictate for women that children & marriage are a way of saying "I have arrived"?

Are having children really a way of staying young forever?

What will I die from? Will I die alone?

Why?

Who Is That?

I am a HUGE fan of Post Secret. I literally salivate every Sunday morning when I'm getting my full dose of Sunday Secrets. I bought one of the Post Secret books today. As I was flipping through, I came across a secret on page 265. The secret reads "I still wonder what life would be like if I'd just had the courage to tell her...we haven't spoken in 5 years and I'm happily married". The secret features a picture of a girl. Without a doubt - without a single doubt - the girl is me. I've asked several people if they think the picture is me and the answer is "yes". I did not submit the secret but I can't help think about who might have. I have tried to remember what, when or how this picture was taken. I have no idea whom I haven't spoken to in 5 years. I am not flattered, upset or bewildered. Okay, maybe a bit bewildered. I've had the book in possession for 8 hours and I am fully consumed with the secret.

What would you think or do?

The Blogger's Couch

Blogging is a way to express ourselves. We can say what we want to say. Vent, scream or even show vast amounts of love for the most mundane things. Post whatever pictures we like. Conduct polls of useless criteria. We find new friends, form bonds as we blog about elbow macaroni, BBQ grills, bacon, cheap dirty sex, dog poo and all sorts of emotional needs. We all have an open door policy & will see you at any given time, no appointment needed. We create our own safe little corner in the big old bad intraworldwideweburnet. So we all agree blogging is cheaper than therapy but does it really work? Do you feel better after you read something someone has shared with the world? Do you feel relieved when you share something someone else reads from the world? Does your heart race when you see your comment number rising? Does it make you smile, smirk or reach for that bottle of vodka?

*note* reaching for vodka does not mean you are in a depressed state of mind so reach farther

Singing & holding a candle - "I'd like to write the world a blog and keep it company...that's the word I write".

Random Thoughts 5

Feeling lonely(no surprise) on a Tuesday evening and as a million things ran through my mind I thought:

Why do people cheat? Is it the thrill of the hunt? The excitement of the find? Why not free our self of one thing before we try on another thing? Do we cheat to fill a void, searching for the famous greener grass? No one ever thinks "that grass still has to be cared for" before they cross to the other side. Guess what? That greener grass is just as needy as the grass you just stepped away from.

What inspires one doesn't always inspire another. I think money moves us all but what about the ones who are moved by mere words, songs or simple acts of kindness? Or even those crazy weight loss infomercials? I want to be moved. I want to be inspired. I hope for a little of both.

The older I get, I wish I had a sibling. Being an only child is tough sometimes but the cool thing, you can never be out done because you have zero competition. (sometimes I wish had a competitor)

No one in death since Princess Diana has created so much buzz and media coverage as Michael Jackson.

Happy 4th of July!

Take It or Leave It

Folks just love to hand out advice. Sometimes we want it, sometimes we want to believe it and then there are the times when we want to rip the vocal chords from the very person trying to offer the fix.

Now some advice is universal:

Live and learn.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. (I am particularly fond of this little ditty)

Tomorrow is another day.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. (I've never fully understood this one)

You get the point about universal advice - quick, mostly painless, to the point.

The other type of advice is a little more intricate but proverbial if you will:

It is not work that kills men, it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade. It is not movement that destroys the machinery, but friction. ~~Henry Ward Beecher

A loving heart is the truest wisdom. ~~Charles Dickens

To live is like to love--all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it.~~Samuel Butler

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key. ~~ The Eagles, "Already Gone"


I don't know that I give advice so much as to add encouragement or give blips of inspiration, only when asked of course. Just because my life is fucked up, doesn't mean I can't fix yours. So take it or leave it.

No Title

Some days I feel so lonely. Today is one of those days.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.
~ Mother Teresa

Happy Father's Day.

Love Story

I was watching Rocky Balboa. In one scene Rocky & Paulie visit the apartment that Rocky first walked Adrian home to. In the movie Adrian has died & every year whether on their anniversary or her birthday he relives their life. Visits the apartment, the pet store where he first saw her, takes flowers and sits by her grave. Endearing and tearful because he loved her and misses her so much. Which brings me to this blog post. What is the greatest love story ever told? One from the big screen, your parents or the one you're in? Maybe its something out of the norm, something like the love one may have for handbags, chap stick or Nikki Sixx. But I think those border on obsession. Obsession is not to be confused with love. Like a boy and his dog or a man and his car - those are love stories of sorts.

My grandmother told my granfather once - "if I die and you remarry I will sit on your head board every night". Love or slight dementia?

My greatgrandfather -once said of my great-grandmother who had passed away 8 years prior after (over) 60 years of marrirage - "I sure do you miss that woman. She was a fine woman and the love of my life". Loneliness or true love?

"They" say there is someone for all of us. We have no instruction manual or any GPS that points us toward that person. Just two people flailing around in the big world looking for something and have no idea what it is. When we find that person or they find us what story will we have to tell? A love story or a horror story?

Duh-Ooooh Over

Right now, if Robin Williams appeared to you as a blue genie and offered you a wish, but the wish was already chosen for you and it was for a life do-over would you take it? Would you undo every aspect of your entire life or only small parts? One big part or none at all? Would you study harder in school? Make the leap for college? Not smoke that first cigarette or take that first drink that led to many many more? Not make fun of the fat kid? Rekindle an old flame? Leave the shitty relationship you're in? Not have children? Have more children? Or maybe it would be something as trivial as not driving across loose sand?

I would definitely take the do-over. All those times I made my mom worry, I would undo everyone of them. When someone did something to me that I knew was wrong, I would not keep it to myself for fear of being seen as the one to blame.

All of the bad things I've seen, heard and been a part of doesn't define who I am today but are a part of me. I refuse to be a statistic but sometimes it's hard not to become a small one.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe our do-over starts then.

My First Award!

Eadyn is showing me some love!

Here are the RULES of this Award:

(1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
(2) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
(3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
(4) Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
(5) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
(6) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
(7) Leave a comment on each of the blogs, letting them know they have been nominated.


Seven things you may or may not find interesting...

1. I have broken both of my thumbs. My left thumb 3 times.
2. I still own 6 Cabbage Patch kids & can name them all.
3. I've been engaged 4 times.
4. I was born on Christmas Day.
5. When I close my eyes under the running water in the shower I am afraid a shark face will come out of the shower head.
6. I've been in 7 automobile accidents - injuries from only three.
7. I could eat Hunts Snak Pak chocolate pudding cups until the pudding comes out of my ears.

Spreading the love...

1. Driven to Distraction
2. The Fragrant Liar
3. Frank (slept here & here)
4. The Majority of Two
5. Holy Crappers
6. Eat, Bitch & Whine
7. Things Men Say

Random Thoughts 4

Why do people get married? Moral obligation? Fulfillment? Security? Love? A big party? I use to think that little gold band had magical powers and I still do. Sometimes I wish I had a little (diamond encrusted) gold band on my finger.

Why are older women who like younger men called cougars? Why not a cheetah (because they are fast)? Or a raccoon (they wash their hands before they eat)? A mole (because they are blind)?

Why do dirty old men have to be just that? I was having dinner last Sunday at a restaurant that features interim line dancing. At the cue of certain songs, the staff kicks little "jigs" all over the restaurant. One particular table in the line of firing seated two older couples - probably teetering on the age of 60 for all involved. A dirty old man in the group had a front row view of said "jiggers". As the other guests at the table pretended not to notice the jiggly body movements of young girls in tight britches, the DOM stopped mid-bite to watch. With his perfectly coiffed preacher's helmet and thick figaro style gold necklace he licked his chops, curled his lip and arched his eyebrow at the booty beside him. Assuming the lady seated by him was his grand-baby grand-mama, she was completely oblivious to the blatant eye fucking going on as she was eating her steak. I won't lie, I often window shop but I would not dare do it with my beloved sitting right beside me and I surely wouldn't set my sights on someone young enough to be my grandson even if he had the dimples of Antonio Sabato Jr., the arms of a god...or was the smitten image of Nikki Sixx. (Chanting - eyes straight ahead, hands to yourself, eyes straight ahead, hands to yourself) Why, I'm a lady (a lady who uses the word fuck alot).

Overheard at Work

I possibly had my nose where it didn't belong or in this case, my ears.

"You ain't leaving me. I love you."

You Know Who You Are...

Checking my e-mail today - I came across one from a friend that contained this:

a reminder

if i get old,
i will not give in
but if i do,
remind me of this:

remind me that
once i was free,
once i was cool,
once i was me

and if i sat down and crossed my arms,
hold me onto this song

knock me out,
smash out my brains,
if i take a chair
and start to talk shit

if i get old,
remind me of this:
one night we kissed,
and i really meant it

whatever happens,
if we're still still speaking,
pick up the phone,
play me this song

- radiohead

I promise if you get old...if you become forgetful...if you are no longer cool...if you talk shit...I will not smash your brains out but I will play this song:

~~~ I tried to make it Sunday but I got so damned depressed, that I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed. I ain't ready for the altar but I do agree there's times when a woman sure can be a friend of mine ~~~ America, "Sister Golden Hair"

Overheard in McDonald's

I took an early Saturday trip to McDonald's. After I got my iced non-fat mocha and began walking toward the door, I heard an older black lady tell a younger white woman "I said, either you are married or you are romantically involved. I could see you loved him in your smile". I turned to look at the couple and I saw it too.

"I'm lovin' it."

Saying Good-bye To Yesterday

Who has said good-bye to yesterday and why is it so hard to do so? Some say there is no good in good-bye, I beg to differ. Sometimes saying good-bye is exactly what we need to do.

To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

Good-byes breed a sort of distaste for whomever you say good-bye to; this hurts, you feel, this must not happen again. ~Elizabeth Bowen

If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me? ~Lynrd Skynrd, "Free Bird"


Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened, right? Gimme a fucking break.

Sunday Stealing (on a Monday morning): The A to Z Meme

A
• Are you available? Define available.
• What is your age? A lady never tells her age but if I had to throw a number
around-34 would do.
• What annoys you? People who chew with their mouth open.


B
• Do you know anyone named Billy? Yup.
• When is your birthday? Christmas Day.
• Who is your best friend? I have 4...Hope, Lisa, Lynn, Hoppe.


C
• What's your favorite candy? Gimme chocolate.
• Crush? Ahh yes...two of them --- Nikki & Ryan.
• When was the last time you cried? Yesterday.


D
• Do you daydream?: Day dream, night dream. I do it all.
• What's your favorite kind of dog? Basset hound - shhh, don't tell the others.
• What day of the week is it? Monday - even though I am Sunday Stealing.

E
• How do you like your eggs? Over medium - covered in grits.
• Have you ever been in the emergency room? 3 times - Emergency appendectomy, some
weird reaction to shrimp & Rolling Rock, slashed a finger-needed stitches -- all
pure talent.
• Ever pet an elephant? Yes.


F
• Do you use fly swatters? No.
• Have you ever used a foghorn? Foghorn Leghorn?
• Is there a fan in your room? Human type or cooling type? If so, I have both. If not, then I just have one or the other.

G
• Do you chew gum? Yes. Grape Hubba Bubba is the stuff.
• Do you like gummy candies? Gummy bears...only.
• Do you like gory movies? Me likey the blood & guts.


H
• How are you? Physically - my neck is sore & my face is really tender near the jaw
area, left side, like something bit me but not a bug bite. Weird. Emotionally -
spent. Mentally - exhausted.
• What's your height? 5'5 1/2"
• What color is your hair? Dark brown. Classic brunette shall we say?

I
• What's your favorite ice cream? Ben & Jerry's - Karmal Sutra
• Have you ever ice skated? Nope.
• Ever been in an igloo? Ok, no.


J
• What's your favorite Jelly Bean? Grape.
• Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke? Yes. What is green and sings? Elvis Parsley! (it's so corny but every time I get a chuckle)
• Do you wear jewelry? Earrings, two rings, necklace - every day.

K
• Who do you want to kill? The "W"...is that wrong? It has to be, but WTF ever. (and I am not talking about the former prez)
• Have you ever flown a kite? Yes.
• Do you think kangaroos are cute? Totally.


L
• Are you laidback? I use to be. There was a time...
• Lions or Tigers? Tigers.
• Do you like black licorice? No.


M
• Favorite movie as a kid? The Wizard of Oz.
• Ever shopped at Moosejaw? Gonna go out on a limb - and say no.
• Favorite store at the mall? Kirkland's


N
• Do you have a nickname? Several - Kim Buck, Kimmie Pie, Betty, Monkey.
• Whats your favorite number? 20.
• Do you prefer night or day? Night.


O
• What's your one wish? Correct change always - if it costs $1048.63. Hand goes into
pocket - out comes correct change.
• Are you an only child? Yes. Parents stopped at perfection.
• Do you like the color orange? Never thought about it - but now that I am asked -
no.


P
• What are you most paranoid about? My teeth falling out.
• Piercings? Ears. Two times.
• Do you know anyone named Penelope? No.

Q
• Are you quick to judge people? I thought no but very recently, someone told me I was a "judger".
• Do you like Quaker Oats? Nope.
• Know anyone that makes quilts? Yes. Former roommate - quilting queen.
• Do you think you're always right? In my world - yes.
• Do you watch reality TV? Love it.
• Reason to cry? I can cry on command but usually there is a "D" reason.

S
• Do you prefer sun or rain? Sun.
• Do you like snow? Yes!
• What's your favorite season? Winter.

T
• What time is it? 9:20 am
• What time did you wake up? 4:41 am

U
• Can you ride a unicycle? Never tried.
• Do you know anyone with a unibrow? A couple of fellas I work with.
• How many uncles do you have? 4? That doesn't quite sound right...but I think it's
a good solid number.


V
• What’s the worst vegetable? Turnips.
• Did you ever watch Veggie Tales? No. I am child free.
• Ever considered being vegan? Yes. I put it on my New Year's resolution list -
EVERY YEAR and I fail every year.


W
• What's your worst habit? I tend to ask too many questions & I'm pretty naive.
• Do you like water rides? Yes.
• Ever been inside a windmill? Eh, no.


X
• Have you ever had an x-ray? Yes.
• Ever used a Xerox machine? Uh, duh.


Y
• Do you like the color yellow? Um...I suppose.
• What year were you born in? 1974. Shit, I just gave away my age.
• Do you yell when you're angry? No, I cry. Refer to "Q" questions.

Z
• Do you believe in the zodiac? Eh, sometimes. Example -- I was reading someone's
zodiac to them & it contained something like - you will have to choose between K
& C. Just so happened I was the K and the ex-girlfriend was the C.
• What's your zodiac sign? Capricorn.
• When was the last time you went to the zoo? I have four dogs -- technically, I
live in one.

Voila! Your Turn

Hopeless Romantic

In our quest called life, each of us searches for something different or maybe we are all looking for the same thing. I suppose its the lucky few who find what they truly seek (over achievers). I've always said you can't have too much money and you can't be too skinny. If you have money you can buy skinny. If you are skinny, people want to give you money, well probably not, but a girl can dream. Both were my motto for years and now older and really none the wiser, I can't help to still believe a little of each are true. So, my search today focuses more on true love than anything. "And wuv, twu wuv will fowow you foweva. That dweam wifin a dweam. So tweasure your wuv."

My new favorite movie is P.S. I Love You. I imagine this will become one of those movies likened to Steel Magnolias and Pretty Woman(instant classics) - it will air on numerous TV channels (TNT, TBS, FX, A&E) on Saturday and Sunday. Repetitively, of course. The movie is uber gushing of hopeless romantic antics. I sob violently every time I watch it. Near the end of the movie a letter is read, narrated by the author of said letter in a darling Irish accent. The letter contains these sentiments ---

"....its to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me... And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life,... But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you."

*sigh*

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control."

*sigh*

Yes, I live in my own little world where the thought of a perfect love lingers. Perfect, precise and all mine. So I say this --- "Where the fuck are you?".

Where?

Do you ever observe a couple, of the man/woman coupling type, and feel a little jealous? Jealous because of the way he looks at her, holds the door for her, guides her by the small of her back, brushes the hair from her face, kisses her hands? I do and I feel it often. Then I think, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. He probably keeps her tied up in a closet in dirty sweat pants. However, these couples look damn good in the public eye.

But my point is - why must the visual of another spark some deep desire for something that I do not have? Where is my hand kisser? My back guider? The love of all loves? The one who adores me, dotes over me, loves me with every fiber of their being? The one who would die without me?

I've been dating since I was 15! I'm exhausted! Where is he?
---Charlotte York

Wednesday What?

I took the cue from That Girl from here

You wouldn't be caught dead where?: Rummaging through a discount bin at a yardsale or in white shoes after labor day.

Do you have any hidden talents?: Yes. I am a mind reader.

Name two things you consider yourself to be very good at: Cleaning and napping.

Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at: Making the first move and letting go.

Have you ever won a trophy?: Yes. Sports and academics.

Name one thing not many people know about you: That is why it is the ONE thing. Can't put it all on out on the table.

Name your earliest memory: Walking in my great-grandparents front yard in a green & orange plaid coat.

What was your favorite musical group in jr. high?: Bon Jovi!

What was something the worst roommate you ever had did?: Borrowed a Liz Claiborne bag and matching wallet from me and never gave it back.

When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?: Loretta Lynn (I know, I know)

What was your worst dating experience?: Any date that ended in a sleepover...

If you were about to die what would your last meal be?: No meal...just a strawberry pie my mom made.

Who is the most important person in you life?: I have more than one - but are important to me in very different ways. My mom & grandparents for one. And of course - that someone special for two (you know who you are).

If your house was on fire what 3 things would you grab on your way out?: My dogs, my hope chest and any other thing I could squeeze throught the front door before the flames got to me.t

When Rock n Roll Eyes Are Smiling

As I was ruling the world at my place of employment - I received a phone call from a customer letting me know he would be stopping in to make a quick purchase. I completed the necessary paperwork and waited for his arrival. My work station is near the front lobby so I can always hear the door open before I see who is coming in. As I looked up from my desk, my eyes widended, my mouth fell open & I fell out of my chair. My first thought was "he found me!" My second thought "where is my lipstick?" As I poked my head up over my desk what I saw was this - a man with black spikey rock n roll hair, that odd little flavor savor patch below his bottom lip, a black button-down shirt (resembles a mechanic's shirt), jeans, large wallet with the chain attached to his belt loop, some arm tats, sunglasses and black boots. Of course of all days for the drop in, I am found sick with some type of flu/cold bug so I wasn't looking my groupie best. The customer's name just happened to be Frank and what is Nikki Sixx's birth name? FRANK Ferrano. Coincidence?

While not the 6'3" man of my rock n roll dreams - he coulda done in a pinch. Oh how the rock god's have shone their favor down upon me.

Babies, Babies, Babies

At dinner Saturday, I was observing two small children. Both were boys with dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, dimples and well behaved. They were sitting like little men among the family enjoying their meal.

All of sudden I heard --- TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK --- I looked across the table and a friend of mine was grinning from ear to ear. Immediately in my defense I said, "whatever, I don't even like kids". Then he said "I can just see it now, you and your little girl both with your designer handbags"....

Why me? why me?

**Super Sigh**

As I made my bi-weekly pilgrimage to Wal-Mart early this morning, I found myself in the oddest moment ever. I was at the check out counter, the cashier greeted me good morning then asked me "are you a mom"? I said "no". She looked at me, turned her head slightly like a dog does when you speak to it. With her ears perked forward, she then said "really, you're not a mom"? I said "no, I'm not, well yes I am, actually I am the mother of four dogs". The mother of the year then said "I guess that counts. Happy Mother's Day". I felt mortified for not being a bearer of my own offspring. Stupid Wal-mart workers.

Oh, How I Love Thee

To be loved, one has to love their self first? What does that mean? Hold your own hand? Kiss your reflection in the mirror? Probably not. Does it mean having long and lingering dinners alone? Sending yourself roses for no reason at all? Probably not. Buying yourself ridiculousy exquisite handbags? Well, maybe. Nah, it's much more complex than that. It probably means being comfortable and happy with who you are - outwardly and inwardly - embracing all of those little weird acts of self indulgence that only you know about. Feeding our emotional, mental and spiritual needs daily.

Do you know anyone who loves their self fully and wholeheartedly? I don't, but, I still don't understand why you have to love yourself before anyone else can. I've been loved before and during those times of "befores" I am 100% sure I was not in love with or loving myself. Is loving our self only self involved or does it takes the goodness and loving acts of others to make the circle complete? Does it go without saying that loving our self is the most important relationship in our life? Like all relationships, it takes time, patience and an extra thick wallet and it will undoubtedly be worth every bit of effort in the end.

How do you love yourself?

One Word

In a book I am reading, there is a small portion that talks of choosing a word to define/sum up something. Example: New York = Achieve, Vodka = Pleasurable. As I read on, I pondered what word I would choose for myself. Sometime has passed since I've read from the page in the book and I still can't rightly decide what one word could define all that I am. Hungry popped into my head. No, not cheesecake hungry but hungry, eager for all that life has to offer. Hunger for love, a good life, happiness, wealth, wisdom, knowledge, closeness, forgiveness, losing hurt and most of all peace within myself.

What one word would you choose to define all that you are and all that wish you to become?

Sunday Stealing - The Green Meme

My first time to "steal" along...

1. What is your current obsession? Seasons past of Sex and the City.

2. What's a good coffee place? Personally, any Starbucks but the break room of where I work usually has a good crowd around 7 am.

3. Who was the last person you hugged? Danny.

4. Do you nap a lot? I like to nap on Saturday & Sunday between the hours of 1pm-4pm.

5. Tonight, what's for dinner? Dinner was "out" tonight - Outback Steak House.

6. What was the last thing you bought? Dinner - out.

7. What is your favorite weather? Super cold & rainy.

8. Tell us something about one blogger who will play this week. I am gonna go out way out on a limb and pick Rich...and the man loves an evening cocktail.

9. If you were given a free house that was full furnished, where in the world would you like it to be? Next to, in front of or behind my parent's home.

10. Name three things you could not live without. My mother, handbags, kisses on the forehead.

11. What would you like in your hands right now? Someone special.

12. What's one of your guilty pleasures? Nikki Sixx

13. What would you change or eliminate about yourself? Self doubt, believing I am the cause of so many problems.

14. As a child, what type of career did you want? Lawyer, truck driver, country music singer...I know, I know.

15. What are you missing right now? Someone special.

16. What are you currently reading? The Bitch in the House.

17. What do you fear the most? Hell.

18. What's the best movie you've seen recently? P.S. I Love You.

19. What's your favorite book from the past year? The Heroine Diaries & The Dirt

20. Is there still a comfort food from your childhood that you still enjoy? Hunts Chocolate Pudding Snack Packs & fried chicken.

Look What I Found

Early in the AM, I was trying to decipher a dream for a friend. As I was thumbing through my dream book, 1,001 Dreams, I found a piece of paper with this written on it:

My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived,
But I forget what is behind,
And I struggle for what is ahead.

Lord, help me to give to you those things I need to get over. Really give them to you, then let go and get over them today. Amen.

I had forgotten I had written this in a very low point in my life and tucked it away several years ago. Today I needed a little something and look what I have found....

Post - Do Over

Once upon a time in a life long ago, someone told me they admired me because I wasn't afraid of anything. Today, older but really none the wiser, I realize I am afraid. I am afraid of many things such as:

1. Spiders
2. Heights
3. Not being loved
4. Wearing white after Labor Day
5. Losing my teeth
6. Not getting into Heaven
7. Bad Chinese
8. Public speaking
9. My mother dying
10. Meeting Nikki Sixx and not knowing I have spinach in my teeth (actually anything other than his tongue would be a tragedy.)
11. Stone washed jeans returning to the world of fashion
12. Living my life without forgiveness for the people I have hurt or not being able to forgive the people who have hurt me

With age comes many things into our life and one of those things that is coming for me is the ability to be more careful and more insightful before I open my mouth, my heart or my hand.

Orignally posted - September '08 - Scaredy Cat

Gimme That Dollar

As I drug myself out of bed this morning at 4:45 am, I couldn't help but wonder who was I really getting out of bed for. That got me to thinking about money and how the majority of us chases that little green monster called the dollar which snowballs into chasing another and another. Some of us are lucky enough to catch one, others not so much. Usually by the time I have caught one it's already spent. I don't live above my means. My car and home are modest. I don't get regular mani/pedi's and it doesn't cost a fortune to get my hair done (not yet anyway). The only splurge I have is handbags. My former bag purchase routinely was two new glorious pieces a year. Last year I was able to eek out five fantastic couture handbags. In my mind that means I have arrived. I am no longer confined to hoarding mad cash, pacing back and forth in front of a glass case to not so eagerly hand it over to a woman wearing a starched black suit, in school marm shoes with a perfect coiffure. I can leisurely browse and then buy when the new season's styles roll in (in a fit of fury, of course). Crazy for some. Completely sane for others.

So who do I work for? Louis Vuitton? Kate Spade? Nah, I do it all for myself...

Little Nikki

As many of you may know I have a thing for rock stars. Well, just one really. Okay, maybe two or three but my heart and other body organs lies with just one. Black hair, tattoos, massive amounts of eyeliner, leather, chains and a jewelry collection that would make a man of God cry is my trend of rocker. As I've allowed myself to leave the world of Motley Crue just to dip my toes into the realm of other screamers, I've discovered Papa Roach. And what to my discovering eyes should appear? A vision in black with tattooed ears. The lead guy, Jacoby Shaddix, closely resembles Nikki Sixx. Surely I thought this some type of trickery, a back-up Nikki? It only gets better from there (sans his wife and kids). He is 18 years Nikki's junior which puts us in the same age box. Just look at his sweet little fingers - already tattooed with LOVE. Oh how the heaven's have shone down on me and now have lit the way. *sigh*

"Don't worry Nikki, I would never stray from you, you have my heart and I have your eyeliner"...

Tickety Tockety

The world turns regardless of any quandary in my life. Circular and floating she spins right on schedule. Would I really want the the world to stop and witness my life falling apart? Not even sure I would want it stop and watch it come together. Thus brings me to my thought today - a family member of mine (10 yrs younger than I) just found out today she is "expecting". While I should be happy for her (and I am) I can't help but feel innately jealous. I don't know why jealousy finds me as often as it does, but it rears its little green head more often than not. I have the same equipment as my cousin does but have chosen not to take it out of the box. In short, I've kept it hidden in my closet with my baseball card collection, circa 1992. The likeness between the two - the players no longer play the game and my uterus never got off the bench. So I make this statement to myself as I round third base and head toward home plate, - "Oh my, you are so not ready to have a child or oh yes, the time is now".

Ever notice the similarity between a uterus and home plate? Coincidence? I think not.

I Use To Be A Ms.'s

My cell phone rang, I answered it. On the other end of the line was my auntie. Dear, sweet auntie Dianne. She said she was just calling to tell me that she was wearing the dress that she wore to my wedding some years back. Why she deemed it necessary to do so I didn't ask but I thanked her gladly for calling and dredging up a painful memory. Not that I had to dig to far down to find it, but that is not the point. My mind allows me to think of my days of being a bride more than it should. It needs not a piece of clothing to sling me into fits of remembrance.

I was married roughly 3 years. I use the term roughly because I was "released" two weeks shy of my third wedding anniversary. Being "released" has been the gift that has kept on giving. It has kept on giving me sleepless nights, itchy fingers sifting through old photos and plenty of thoughts of what might have been. In case your wondering, I am no longer in love with former groom and no longer in awe with the idea of being a Ms.'s either. The former groom has moved on and if I am a favorite in the eye of God, is living miserably and uncomfortably with his new wife. I know I shouldn't wish dire unhappiness upon someone but I believe its warranted in this case due the fact that he sent me directly into a life filled further with self-doubt and self-hatred. I did learn to pick my own battles. I also learned that cooler heads prevail in any situation, but I would never dare say thank you to former groom for those gifts or would I?

"Thank you, thank you very much for all you have given to me".

Do I Have Plenty?

En route to a social function today I passed the Harley Davidson store. As soon as it was in site I thought of Uncle Steve, a biker of sorts. He is not necessarily today my uncle, as he and my mother's sister divorced many years back, but in my mind he will always be Uncle Steve. The thought of him threw me into thoughts of his mother, Ms. Miller, who passed away a couple of years ago in a car accident. As I thought of her passing I pondered Uncle Steve's ties to Alabama and how he doesn't really have any anymore. If I lived in Maine and my mother passed away (whom still lives in the deep south) I would never pass this way again. Once more I thought of Ms. Miller. She had three children, 7 grand kids and possibly as many great grand kids. The reason for the wonderment was did she live/have a full life because of her family? As I thought about this longer than I should, I wondered if my life was going to be lackluster in the end because I didn't spread my proverbial seed. My stand on having children teeters between having none and having one, maybe two (the old fashioned way).

While at my social soiree, a couple had brought their children. One of the kids was a 13 month old girl. Too cute for words really. I held this little human, shared crackers (that she thought I also needed to eat, so we both had crackers all over our face), fed her a jar of pears, oooh'd and aahhh'd as she cooed while being tickled and swung onto my hip like a spider monkey. In doing all of this I thought of the hyporcrite I really am. If someone asks me why I don't have kids, I simply say "I don't like them" or "ack, I mow my own grass", but if you had seen me in motion with munchin in question, you would have thought that little girl was mine. Is that wrong?

I wonder if I never have children, will I have plenty in my life?

Tolerance

Yesterday I thought indifference was the worst thing in a relationship. Today I think it's tolerance. What makes one person lose their cool may keep another at bay. I'd say I am very tolerant. Tolerant of many things such as bad hair days, Nikki Sixx & Kat Von D's relationship, the evening news - and many people - Wal-Mart employees, bad drivers and Kat Von D. Will there come a time in my life when I say "enough is enough", when my tolerant stand becomes limited?

Is tolerance a good trait to have? The verdict is still out.

Me Thinks - More Random Thoughts & Ideas

Alas, the mind needs to go awry and the fingers must jolt into action...

Is there just ONE for every someone?

Why does it take so long to find that ONE?

Does happily ever after really exist?

Were the Allman Brothers stoned when they wrote Melissa?

Who determined red was a power color?

Why is the mullet called a mullet, why not a grouper? (the haircut, not the fish)

Why did Eve have to eat that stupid apple? (stupid girl, stupid head, I hate apples)

Always waiting for tomorrow, why can't it happen today?

Will "big hair" return? For those who do not understand history are destined to repeat it?


Light, inhale, roll the flavor, exhale...ahhhhhh.

Life Begins Anew

Today in a cold examining room I pillaged through a candy bowl chocked fill of mini Snicker and Twix chocolates. Next to the bowl was a short stack of books. I quickly scanned the titles and chose a book titled The Meaning of Life by Bradley Trevor Greive. The book, small and green, was filled with silly pictures of animals with great inspiration written beneath each picture. As I began to read through the book, not yet inspired, discovered the book offered "punches" to help you begin the life you have so sought. The very one that you put on the back burner. As I continued to read my chest puffed up a little and my hunched over position became a little taller and thought I can surely put into motion what I really want to do. Then I happened across a page with this question --What do you truly love? -- I couldn't answer the question. Assuming the answer is different for everyone and deeper than a new handbag or John Stamos' hair, I felt lost. Another kuwinkidink about finding this book was that someone just recently made this comment to me and I quote "it seems like I am always waiting for my life to begin". What do you say to that? When does our life begin? At our first breath or is it when we discover that every second that ticks away brings us closer to our unavoidable fate and then realize this is OUR life, it's gonna roll by pretty quick, so do what you love, love what you do, if you know what that love is?

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose". - Robert Byrne

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet". -- Emily Dickinson

"Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours"? --- Roy H. Williams

"He who has nothing to die for has nothing to live for". ---- Morrocan Proverb

Words

The English dictionary is full of fun words that I rarely use. Either the definition doesn't fit the situation or I have forgotten the word all together. One word that I rarely use but is fun to say because of the pronunciation is indicative [in-dik-uh-tiv]. When this word rolls of my tongue, I must say I feel quite educated even though its not really an educated word. Another word is miff(mĭf) or miffed. I actually used this particular word this morning due to a co-worker assuming because I didn't watch the news I couldn't carry on a conversation about a current event involving NFL players and a boat - der der der, I thought as I strapped on my pink safety helmet.

Medicinal [muh-dis-uh-nl] is a very good term when you are attempting to explain the gallon of vodka seat belted in your back seat, use of it even makes you sound smarter than you really are. However, trying to say medicinal while inoxicated may sound something like "maydidinkul".

Finally that brings me to googootz [guh-goo-tz], slang Italian term of endearment meaning zucchini and gabbagool [gah-bah-goo-uhl], which is guido speak for dried capicola -- "Hey Vito, you fat googootz, did you eat my gabbagool?".

Broaden your literary loquaciousness and use some new words!

I Do!

The arena was full. The crowd was buzzing and ready. The lights went down & the curtain came up. *Thump, thump, thump, thump* Pyrotechnics began and the crusaders of the glam metal revolution appeared. Nikki to the left, Tommy in the middle, Vince everywhere & Mick "Fucking" Mars to the right. The music was loud and the views on the big screen were raunchy as ever.

I never sat down, screamed, cried, fake whistled, jumped up down for two hours and was exhausted. As I was pondering leaving, a uniformed man with a flashlight tapped my shoulder and said come with me. He led me through the crowd, to the back of the stage. At the back of the stage was a curtain. He drew the curtain to one side and there it shone in all its glory ---- the biggest, blinging skull and cross bone ring I had ever seen. I asked "what is this all about?". The man pointed to the ring and said "go to it". I moved toward the ring and noticed a note and recognized the handwriting immediately. The note read "Kimberly, you've waited for this moment for a long time and the time is now. Wear this ring and I will call you onto the stage in a moment. Be ready. XOXO Nikki". I swooned for a moment and gained my composure. I teased my hair and applied fresh lipstick. Then I heard the voice and I was called onto the stage. A spotlight shone on both of us as Nikki got down on one knee and asked me "will you apply my black eyeliner for the rest of your life?". Nervously but very enthusiastically I said "fuck yes!!". The crowd roared as Mick rocked us out to Here Comes the Bride.

Then, I woke up....