Would the world be any different if these people were still in it?

Man Candy Monday (slight do-over)

Killer hottie of the day...he makes bad look soooo good.

For the Child in All of Us

When I was a wee thing and long before you had 24 hour cartoon channels my cartoon viewing was limited to Saturday mornings, holiday specials and an hour in the afternoon. I would zip home from school and plop down in my great grandmother's chair and get ready for my mind candy. Nannie would serve me oatmeal cookies, ham sandwiches and grape Kool-Aid.

This is one of my favorites....enjoy.

Wake & Bake

In honor of pot heads, stoners and tokers everywhere and to one really, really special bowl hitter straight from Brooklyn by way of Greenpoint: Happy 420




"When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale". ~~ Bill Clinton, U.S. President

Happy Rolling!

Pet Those Peeves

I am not perfect or at least I tell myself that and due to that fact that I am almost always trying to appear perfect I try to watch my mannerisms in front of others. For those of you who aren't quite sure of the exact meaning I'll share it with you:

Pet Peeve - a particular and often continual annoyance; personal bugbear

My list of pet peeves is anything but short and some might not exactly be a pet peeve but a lack of manners:

Nose pickers
Butt-er-inners
Ladies who don't cross their legs
Men who don't open doors for others
Smacking
Chewing with mouth open
Reaching for more of something when their plate is already full
Elbows on the table while eating a meal
Not wanting someone to be happy for their own well being
Telling me "no" I don't need something
Telling me "no" not to do something
People that tell me I should settle down
Not offering thank yous or your welcomes
People who pull out their EBT card or food stamp card from their Dooney & Bourke wallet which was pulled of out of their matching Dooney & Bourke handbag
Not making eye contact when you talk to someone
Lazy people ie. not doing housework no matter how big or small the chore is
People who always talk about their illnesses

I promise I am not spotting nor am I hungry. I just find myself getting so irritated over what are seemingly small things but it is all of those small things that evolve into one large thing.

I am gonna go now and try to work on being perfect.

Random Thoughts 17

Who decided these food items together would be the gospel of certain combinations?:

Coffee & donuts
Milk & cookies
Chips & salsa
Steak & potatoes
Ravi & oli
Bacon & eggs

With these above perfect combinations in mind, let me give you a list of my weird eats:

Mayonnaise & field peas, black-eyed peas or purple hull butter beans
Pineapple & mayonnaise sandwich
Cheese pizza & chocolate pudding
New York Style cheesecake & marinara sauce
Cole slaw, grilled onions wrapped in a tortilla shell with cheese sauce

What time will you be over for dinner?

Jibberish

Sixteen years from now I will be 50 years old. I can't even imagine who I will be or where I will be. I fight time and aging every day - anti-aging detoxifying face scrub, skin renewal moisturizer with an SPF of 15, anti-fatigue eye cream, age defying make-up, anti-wrinkle lip stick but ultimately time will march on across my face not caring what numerical age I reach. Everyone is always in a hurry to grow up then everyone grows up and tries to slow down. I believe the years between 30 - 60 are lost in some sort of accelerated time warp. "It's important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle". ~~ Author Unknown

For no reason today, in the early hours of the morning I cried. I sat on the edge of a bed looked at the ceiling and cried. No sobbing, no wailing, no snot mustaches just silent tears. We, you and I, cry for all sorts of reasons - sadness, happiness, because your pants won't button, because something is so funny, because something touches us, because our heart is broken, because we broke a heart and because of physical pain but the tears are the same. Why is that? "Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it". ~~ Albert Smith

Sing Along Time

Never thought I needed anyone,
Or anything to get me through
Come to close and then I'd start to run,
Just to stay one step ahead of you

I’d see others walking hand and hand,
And say to say to myself “what a couple of fools”
How could one woman just love one man?
And not tear his heart in two.

Fools chase love around so desperately,
Until they wind up all alone
Shouldn’t love come more naturally,
Like a river cuts into a stone

That's why I,
I love you for loving me,
It’s a rare and precious thing.
You cant run from love that’s meant to be,
Just let it shine on everything.

Oh It took a little while,
But I found myself.
Right where I did not need to be,
I tried to put the blame on someone else
When it all came crashing all down on me.

That’s why I,
I love you for loving me,
It’s a rare and precious thing.
You can’t run from love that’s mean to be.
So let it shine on everything,
Oh let it shine on everything, Yea.

Love You Loving Me ~~ Stoney Larue

No Rhyme, All Reason

Even though Hell is full someone decided to let one more in and the gates of hell flew open wide just for me...the lady of fire and brimstone decided they loved my blog and I must add - what's not to love?

I should tell her thank you but since she is writhing in evil what is the point? The point is to rise above and take the high road. Thank you Blazing Scarlet, thank you for loving my blog and for smiting me an evil doer. It gets no better than this.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I barely escaped he early 90's with my extra large, teasing it to Jesus poufy hair. I luckily traded in my teased bangs and shoulder length curly locks for a super short red number via Bridget Fonda's role in Singe White Female - thank the Lord because I haven't used hair spray since. I swear when my hair was falling to the floor it was sighing and whispering "thank God, she has no idea of how stupid she made us look".

I can't help but think if I were African American that I would have sported a jheri curl or burgundy finger waves.

Rhianna has asked my man to be in a video - Rockstar 101, he declined. Kat Von D is tweeting that they are back together after their two month "break", I have not gotten Nikki's confirmation either way. People, ladies please keep your hands to yourselves. I have enough to worry about.

When the world gets me down & boy does it ever...I think of Dory.

Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills
You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming swimming swimming
What do we do we swim, swim, swim
OH HO HO How I love to swim
When you WAAAAAANNTTT to swim you want to swim

Overheard at Work

"I wish I were single so I could get a good piece of ass".

First you have to consider the source. Then you have to consider the source's spouse - I know looks aren't everything but they sure do help.

You Know You're Old Enough When...

You want to hide the Easter eggs & not hunt them.

You wake up at 5:00 am on the weekends just because.

You actually schedule doctor appointments.

You realize your attitude doesn't determine your altitude.

You call in sick to work because you are really sick.

You seek your mother's advice.

Going to bed at 8pm every night doesn't make you seem like a loser.

You realize Pizza Rolls & Bud Light longnecks aren't a well balanced meal.

You get heartburn dreaming of a 3 martini lunch.

You send thank you cards for thank you cards.

You know spending a day at the beach takes alot of effort.

Disappointment takes the place of anger.

In My Thoughts

Disasters happen all the time but when they are in our own backyard it tends to affect me alot more and a bit differently.

Man Candy Monday - Pollock Addition

Happy Dyngus Day to all of my Polish friends, well actually to only one specific Pollock in Mobile. In honor of this under appreciated day I give you Liev Schreiber who is just a smidgen Polish.

Uśmiech!

Happy Easter!

Trumped!

A co-worker found out last week he has Multiple Myeloma . The co-worker and I were talking about his situation & another co-worker popped out of their office while we were talking to put in their two cents or give their diagnosis/prognosis and then trumps the ailing co-worker's cancer with their nieces colon cancer.

Who in the fucking world tries to get a better hand in the game of cancer? Couldn't they just let him have his cancer moment?

Question....

If you had the choice of:

Being pretty or handsome but your personality & character were awful
or
Being fat but having an awesome personality and kind heart that drew everyone to you
or
Being pretty & skinny but had an awful disposition, personality and a disease that wasn't fatal

Which would you choose?

Material Girl?

I am a materialistic person. Maybe because I'm an only child and everything I have ever gotten was just mine. I never had to share. Never had to be jealous because a sibling trumped me with the birth of twin Cabbage Patch kids, my single birth was fine. It's not because I was not shown any love or nurturing as I grew up. Not only did I have parents but I had 11 grandparents. How is that even possible you say? Longevity maybe? I knew my great-great grandmother, Wannie, on my mom's mother's mother's side. She passed away when I was 12 at the golden age of 98. When I was a wee-one and my mom decided to work I would spend my days with my great grandmother, Nannie, and at 4:20 pm when Granny got home, no we didn't burn one, I would go to her house and chill until mom picked me up. Summer vacations were spent with Nannie & Pa, Mama Ruth & Paw Paw & Mama Cooper & Granddaddy. To say the least I have tons of memories of each of them, each loved & spent large amounts of time with me. Sadly I am down to two grandparents, Granny & Papa, my mother's parents.

In short material things are of great value to me and this blog post was sparked by my mother's words from a conversation yesterday "material things have always been important to you". Not sure if that was some sort of sucker punch at my character. One thing about my mom is she takes no accountability for the person I became and she will dig at my core issues. She likes to tell me "you will never be satisfied". I do acquire lots of things but I will purge them ever year or so, so I can replenish with fresher, newer shinier objects which must be a part of dissatisfaction or just keeping up with the Kardashian's?

Do tell me how important are material things to you?

Sing Along Time

Let's go back a lotta bit. Who remembers this ?

Hello girl it's been awhile
Guess you'll be glad to know
That I've learned how to laugh and smile
Getting over you was slow
They say old lovers can be good friends
But I never thought I'd really see you
I'd really see you again

I go crazy
When I look in your eyes
I still go crazy
No my heart just can't hide
That old feelin' inside
Way deep down inside
Oh baby, you know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy

You say he satifies your mind
Tells you all of his dreams
I know how much that means to you
I realize that I was blind
Just when I thought I was over you
I see your face and it just ain't true
No it just ain't true

I go crazy
When I look in your eyes
I still go crazy
That old flame comes alive
It starts burning inside
Way deep down inside
Oh baby, you know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy

I go crazy
You know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy
No my heart just can't hide
That old feelin' inside
Way deep down inside
I go crazy

I Go Crazy ~~ Paul Davis

Livin' La Vida Loco

Really? Just because he is beautiful & sings? Another dream crushed...

Note: It is okay to be gay, merry or to just happily skip about in your mother's under garments. This blog does not discriminate against man candy due to sexual orientation. "We" call it window shopping for a reason.

Operation Smile Aborted

Fuck karma.

Operation Smile

For what its worth I am going to smile at everyone I know, everyone I don't know and everyone I would like to know. Smiling is a small gesture but one of the cheapest ways I know be nice to someone. Regardless of the day I am having, if I have a phone in one hand, cell phone in the other, two people in front of my desk, another walking through the door, email alerts chiming and a radio chirping away I am gonna give the most sincere, cheesiest I want to be your best friend smile I can conger from the depths of my being.

Karma says you get what you give, well, we'll just see about that.

WTF?

I know its old hat...



VS.


Is there any comparison? The diversity is so great if I were Sandra, I wouldn't be hurt but merely insulted.

And Miley Cyrus giving out advice to contestants on American Idol? She is 17! She is hunchy & has the worst set of cosmetically enhanced teeth. Ok, the last two really has nothing to do with giving advice and sure she's had a successful career partly due in thanks to her pappy but she is 17! Shouldn't someone who has paid their dues and not had them given to them, oh wait, it is American Idol, no dues paid there but come on! Beyonce would have been a muy bien choice even Justin Timberlake but Miley? WTF?

Even Simpler Things

Just when I was feeling pretty down about myself --- boy, it's good to be me.

Simple Things

There are many things we all take for granted. Things we have easy access to. Things that don't cost too much. And one of those things for me is :



I believe this little bubbly wonder can cure depression, hang-overs, hang-arounders and PMS. Have an ice cold Coca-Cola, won't you?

Just A Feeling

Isn't everything impossible?

Sing Along Time

I didn't know the words either....

Hey kids, shake it loose together
The spotlight's hitting something
That's been known to change the weather
We'll kill the fatted calf tonight

So stick around
You're gonna hear electric music
Solid walls of sound

Say, Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet
But they're so spaced out, Bennie and the Jets
Oh, but they're weird and they're wonderful
Oh, Bennie she's really keen

She's got electric boots, a mohair suit
You know I read it in a magazine
Bennie and the Jets

Hey kids, plug into the faithless
Maybe they're blinded
But Bennie makes them ageless
We shall survive, let us take ourselves along

Where we fight
Our parents out in the streets
To find who's right and who's wrong

Benny & the Jets ~~ Elton John

What I Like About Texas

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Alright, alright you got me. I'm a poor liar but kiss me anyway and remember drunk is the new sober. Cheers!

Is It Wrong? (one more but not in the same way)

I have kicked & clawed at blogs I don't get - mommy, parenting, political, weight loss but there is one...just one that moves me to no end. Makes me cry, makes me smile, makes me want to be a better person and not take everything so seriously and that type of blog is right there and right over here.

Maybe I'm not so cynical and bitter after all.

Not Really Free Things

Sometimes I think happiness is overrated but generally it is because I can't find it. We need happiness in our lives like we need oxygen or at least I tell myself that. So I thought of a few things to be happy about that normally you may not think about finding happiness in. Some free, some not so much.

Kidnapping your lover.
The art of knowing what to overlook.
Basically happy people.
Handwritten letters.
Happy hour.
A fashion career in New York.
Morning kisses.
Oysters on the half shell shucked by Larry Newton.
Cardigans.
Fat Christmas trees.
Wallowing.
Pea coats.
Basset Hounds.

And for you less than super smart people here is the definition for happiness - good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Happy Birthday...

To my most favorite person in the world. I love you.

Pandora's Box

Around the 7th grade I had an English teacher who was also a Baptist pastor, my best friend's dad, his name was Bro. Ward. Our small private school had never seen anything like him. He used super long important words and was Cuban. He even wore Havana shirts.

The reason for thinking of him this morning started like this:

I was in the shower and thinking of swearing, "I swear I didn't spend $2169.32 for a new handbag" which made me think of another teacher, Ms. Emmons who if you were to swear in her class she would make you write lines - I will not swear in the classroom.

Just so happened Bro. Ward was also fond of writing lines for any type of injustice served in his classroom. On his desk he had a green box appropriately named Pandora's Box. The box contained pieces of paper numbered 0-1000 in an incremental fashion. If you were caught chewing gum by Bro. Ward you would be instructed to pull a number from the box and that was the amount of lines you would have to write. Not typical sentences either such as I will not chew gum but something more like I was found chewing gum in a classroom setting. Not only is chewing gum against the rules but it also advocates tooth decay and causes my mouth to contort in an ill fitting manner. Because I want to be a superior student and abide with school rules I will no longer masticate gum in the classroom.

All I can say is it took one time for me and I never chewed anything in front of Bro. Ward again.

Oh wow...

I had the most totally absurd teen crush on him.

Rest in peace.

And The Award Goes To...

HD Tv - for making all of those celebrities who we thought were so perfect not look so perfect. Thank you HD Tv for making Cameron Diaz look a little puffy. Thank you HD Tv for showing Monique and Gabby Sidibe's stretch marks.

Demi Moore - for finding the fountain of youth - Ashton Kutcher.

Jennifer Lopez - for the most perfect lipstick that compliments and has no color at all.

Kristen Stewart - for cleaning up. You were fidgety and had an awkward hunchy pose but the fact you were not in flannel and your hair was washed made it less noticable.

The red carpet hostess that called Helen Miren & Christopher Plummer old. Wow. In the south we wouldn't call that tact.

George Clooney - for appearing pissed most of the evening.

The Brat Pack & Macaulay Caulkin - For honoring John Hughes for making you all famous and for showing your faces in public even though you've had no "work" done.

James Taylor - for always sounding clear as a bell.

Congratulations to all of the winners and better luck next year to all the losers.

Get Bent

What is the deal with "fuck you"? Arguments end with this two words, sometimes they begin with them. What I don't get is men and women spend a better part of their days trying to have sex, so why do we tell someone to "get fucked" when they were probably already working toward the act anyway? Or how about that car salesmen "fucked me over"? Who doesn't want to get fucked over and often? How can you take a pleasurable thing and then offer it in a mean way?

If you are arguing don't you want to wish a misfortune like "fat you" or "get broke"?

Warm Puppies

Today I was pillaging through through a candy bowl chocked fill of mini Snicker and Twix chocolates. Next to the bowl was a short stack of books. I quickly scanned the titles and chose a book titled The Meaning of Life by Bradley Trevor Greive. The book, small and green, was filled with silly pictures of animals with great inspiration written beneath each picture. As I began to read through the book, not yet inspired, discovered the book offered "punches" to help you begin the life you have so sought. The very one that you put on the back burner. As I continued to read my chest puffed up a little and my hunched over position became a little taller and thought I can surely put into motion what I really want to do. Then I happened across a page with this question --What do you truly love? -- I couldn't answer the question. Assuming the answer is different for everyone and deeper than a new handbag or John Stamos' hair, I felt lost. Another kuwinkidink about finding this book was that someone just recently made this comment to me and I quote "it seems like I am always waiting for my life to begin". What do you say to that? When does our life begin? At our first breath or is it when we discover that every second that ticks away brings us closer to our unavoidable fate and then realize this is OUR life, it's gonna roll by pretty quick, so do what you love, love what you do, if you know what that love is? Go, find it and love it. Ok, that was YOUR cue.

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet". -- Emily Dickinson

*Cue Jaws Movie Theme

In honor of yesterday's DVD release of 2012 - I wanted to share this with you.

Fluff? Scare tactics? The Truth? What do you think?

Random Thoughts 16

I realized last night that people are stupid. Stupidity is not biased, partial or racist - it treats all free thinking and non thinking humans with equal just and unjust.

I've also realized that the men of today are not gentlemen or gentlemanly in nature. I work with a 95% male workforce. No one opens the door or holds the door for you, if you are struggling with a large box of paper or a 5 gallon bottle of water not one male counter part will offer to help with it - doesn't matter that my uterus just fell to the floor either. The men folk tend to scratch, burp and are flatulent right around the corner from your desk. They don't shave everyday, clothes are wrinkled. It is a shame and I am not sure why other than I when I was 7 years old I said I wanted to marry a gentleman.



"Sir, you are no gentleman." ~~ Scarlett O'Hara
"And you, miss, are no lady...Don't think that I hold that against you. Ladies have never held any charm for me." ~~ Rhett Butler

Man Candy Monday

Post humus Man Candy...he's beautiful even from beyond.

Sing Along Time

A little twangy but I like it.

Looking back
At the dead ends and the detours
All I can do is long for a straighter line
Yeah, I was lost
I had no way of knowin'
Where the twists and turns were goin'
But sometimes, just gotta let the road wind

Could it have been easier?
Yeah
A little smoother ride
Maybe so
But lying here with you
Would I change one thing 'bout that road?
No

I believe
Things happen for a reason
Even though you might not see it
At the time
Cause' now I know
Every plan that came unraveled
Every crooked path I traveled in my life
Led me here to your side

Could it have been easier?
Yeah
A little smoother ride
Maybe so
But lying here with you
Would I change one thing 'bout that road?
No

Yeah, I finally found you...

No ~~ Jason Aldean

All Rise....

For the Honorable Heff. Judge Heff, with Baliff Donna by his side, who bowed out of a somewhat limelight gracefully 4 months ago has just announced his comeback tour. Welcome back you Nikki Sixx lovin' dirty ol' fuck.

Here Pup-Pup!

While its true that some consider our dogs part of our family or even our children when is too much too much?

Weddings for dogs?

60% of your clothing features likenesses of your beloved canines?

If someone speaks of a real child & another chimes in with the same story regarding a dog?

If someone speaks of a human death & the only association you can make is that of a pup?

Don't get me wrong folks and remember I am childless but...I have dogs and I love, love those cutie patooties but I know where to draw the line(at least in public). If someone talks about their kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews or some other version of a little people and because I don't have any of these I simply but out of the conversation.

Is It Wrong? (just two more)

Team blogs. Is blogging so hard that it takes more than one person to put down their own ideals and opinions? I thought blogging was a sort of independent thought itself?

Political blogs. Yes, I voted. No I don't understand every platform. I can not tell you the difference between liberal vs. conservative other than in my mind liberal means very open minded & conservative means you play your cards close the vest & you aren't wasteful. Both are probably wrong. Republican vs. Democrat? I don't even know where to start. Seems like everyone got on some type of bandwagon this year albeit political or college football fanaticism. Everyone rode the Obama train & all the others rode the cruise ship into Alaska.

Another example - fashion. Maybe its because the media really emphasizes Herve Lager classic styles or the utmost importance of a Louis Vuitton speedy bag. Who really of the middle class working folk knew who Mr. Blahnik was before Sex and the City? I get the idea of wearing brand name clothing. Otherwise how would you achieve popularity in middle or high school?

There was a time when politics and religion were considered rude topics. There was a time when you would never ask someone where they got something or how much something cost because it also considered rude. But there has always been a time when we judged people based on their clothing, political stance and college football choice which is a form of rudeness all it's own.

Are we just rude people?

Deep Thought of the Day

“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?” ~~ Jack Handy

Man Candy Monday

Yes, I do feel like a pedophile.

I Call Bullshit

All women, well maybe not all, the vast majority of us has someone in our life called a gynecologist. In short, the gyno cops a feel and makes it to third base without even buying you a drink.

Anyway. I called my GYN today to make an appointment for my annual check up. Previous to the phone call today I had called in November 2009 to schedule something in January 2010. The pleasant voice on the other line told me because I had visited in March 2009 that an annual visit in January 2010 might not be covered by my insurance because it had not been 12 months. Ok. I'll call in January for March, so I thought. The first available appointment is July 20, 2010. A full 6 months away. Can you believe that shit?

Oh one more thing - I called the office number & this is what I hear "If you are in labor please press 7"....wow.

Sacrifice

I am not part of a religion that practices lent but because I am nosey at best, I like to find out what others give up for self-denial. Most people I know give up some type of alcohol consumption. Good thing my religion doesn't practice lent, but if it did and I were a practicing "lenter" I'd give up one the following:

Work
Rocket Science
Double-flushing
Tea & crumpets

What are you giving up?

Man Candy Monday

I've been a little lax of late with the ogling of pecks, dimples & non-receding hairlines. To redeem myself of my absence I give you...



Enjoy.

Happy Valentine's Day

“Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.” ~~ Samuel Lover

Ode to My Mother

On a day in 1955 a baby girl was born. That baby girl was my mother and that day is today, February 12th.
So this is for the birthday girl.

*Choose Your Own Title

I must be the most cynical and miserable person in the world --- newborn baby blogs? Cat blogs? Crafty blogs? Am I that bitter or just plain ol' boring? Millions of blogs and I have a found a handful that I can bare to stomach. What the fuck? I am friends with cat lovers and quilters. However, I choose not to become friends with people who have children and the people I do consider friends who do have children, well I am never around their kids. People who have children tend to lose themselves(hey, my blog, my opinion) in carpooling, homework, baseball, gymnastics, after school care, tee-ball practice, chicken nuggets & juice boxes. My mother was very um, around in my childhood but I walked to school (for real), I coordinated my own travel to volleyball, softball, football games and practices from age 10 to 17. I cleaned my own room. I took care of the material things I had. I ate what was put before me. I went to bed at 8:00 PM even when I was a senior in high school. I was spanked as a younger child and when I got older my parents resorted to "talking" and "grounding". My parents set restrictions and rules - I followed them with no feet stomping, breathe holding episodes. If I fucked up, I accepted the punishment.

What has happened to the parents of today? "If you do that one more time" turns into12 more times. Time outs? Rolling in the floor? Noodle body?

I guess I am not a parent because I'd probably end up in jail for child abuse.

Please, please point me in the direction of interesting reads - humor, drug abuse, confessionals, hoarders, shop-a-holics, alcoholics, posts that make you cry and those that make you feel good. I'll be waiting.

Random Thoughts 16

Training bra. Why is it called a training bra?

Snack. Fun to say. Fun to eat. Oh snack, did you eat that?

I think I have a mild obession with the Kennedy family...

The Kennedy's (Jack, Bobby, Ted, John Jr.) possibly have the most perfect sets of teeth I've seen that look untouched by dental correcting - toothy, straight & white.

Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler

It's that time of year - when chaos & debauchery is led in the streets by drunken, masked marauders. When people wrestle over plastic strings of pearls & the token peanut butter moon pie. When the words "Hey Mister, throw me something" rolls off the tongues of everyone lining the parade route. When you learn just what the magical qualities of "jungle juice" are. When toothless wonders and "old money" stand side by side swilling mass quantities of Bud Light. When colors of purple, green and gold are hanging from every balcony, covering bodies of the young and old. A culture shock for some and traditions for others. A true sight to behold and a hangover to experience.

"I have trouble explaining to out-of-towners why people here spend $1,000 to wear a mask so no one knows who they are, and then give away things to people they've never met. But I guess it's an opportunity for everybody to play Santa Claus. That's at the heart of it." ~ Arthur Hardy

Mobile isn't New Orleans but it is the same grand ol' party.

Laissez les bon temps rouler! ~~ Let the good times roll!

Every Day Use

I often use words & I know what they mean but don't know the exact definition of them...so this morning three words came to mind:

Shallow - 1. of little depth; not deep
2. lacking depth; superficial

Shrewd - 1. astute or sharp in practical matters
2. keen; piercing

Mealy Mouth - No back-bone. Passive. Submissive. Perceived as a "sweet" person. A term mostly applied to women (by other women) who will neither engage in straight conversation nor take action.

Frank - direct and unreserved in speech; straightforward; sincere

I don't think I've ever called anyone shallow but I have swam in shallow water.

I have never really used the word shrewd & for some reason when I think of this word
I think of Elizabeth Taylor.

Well I can't say I've used mealy mouth either but I heard Scarlett O'Hara use it once. "You'd rather live with that silly little fool who can't open her mouth except to say "yes" or "no" and raise a passel of mealy-mouthed brats just like her."

Can I be frank? Well, frankly I've probably never used it either. Forever I thought it meant can I be Frank? Like a famous Frank - Frank Sinatra or Frankenstein.

You feel smarter now, don't you?

Words

We all have a our own vocabulary. Catalogs of words that make us fill up with some exuberant zeal. Some are fun to say, some to feel and some to have. My over zealous catalog includes these:

Fendi
Love
Dior
Puppies
Vodka
Googootz
Cock
Dollar(s)
Forever
Gabagool
Mama
Buzz
Fate
Smooch
Wal-Mart

And there are some words that make me cringe and I try to use sparingly:

Mole
Fart
Overdrawn
Medication
Cavity
Wrinkle
Old
5:00 AM
Pelvic Exam
Fat
Wal-Mart

Your turn...

Medicinal Purposes?

I am not a connoisseur but more of a novice when it comes to recreational drug use. I don't use drugs - illegal, prescription - for two reasons: I have an addictive personality and my so called "deep pockets" are reserved for handbag purchases only. I did no research of my own regarding Ambien, I thought I would get all the answers I needed from other blogging geniuses. What triggered this post are two verses to two different songs listed below:

The city never sleeps,
better slip you an Ambien ~~ Empire State of Mind, Jay-Z w/Alicia Keys

Red wine and Ambien
You're talking shit again ~~ John Mayer, Heartbreak Warfare

Now do tell me closet users how do you take your Ambien?

Is It Wrong (I know, one more thing & will it ever stop)

Cooking blogs, home-cooking housewife blogs or blogs in which the authors refer to themselves as Foodies. I get it, really I do. People love to cook. People love to eat. But after watching Julie & Julia - the blockbuster movie involving a girl named Julie Powell who cooks her way through Julia Child's cookbook Mastering the Art of French Cooking - 524 recipes in 365 days via the blogosphere, I am sure this movie has inspired 100's maybe 1000's of non-blogging self made chef & cheffettes to "blog on" to the cyber world in search of FAME & FORTUNE while trying to become the MacGuyer's of three ingredient recipes. Well good luck you do-gooder's but remember - you're not the leader, you're the follower. Bon Appetit.

*Editor's note ~~ I don't really dislike every blog other than mine. Mine has no rhyme and reason unlike the others I have "dissed" - their content is consistent. Alas, it is a free country which entitles me to free speech so I can whine and disagree as I see fit.

Non-Typical Post

I never tell the world what I do on a daily basis but..here goes:

I had to make an impromptu doctor visit this morning. I went to a local urgent care center. Upon entering the lobby I was greeted by a non too happy administrative assistant. Ok, I get it, it's Monday. I am asked to fill out the appropriate paperwork since I am a new patient and let me just add - I write incredibly legibly if I do so say so myself. I turn in the paper work & write a check for my co-pay - $35.00. "She" takes my check & I inquire about a receipt. "She" replies "normally, I don't give any out". Um, ok. So I guess since I asked she decided to a bigger smart ass than me & give me one. The amount shown paid $25 (wrong) and my city of residence Billingsley (wrong). I point out the mistakes & "she" says I entered what you had written down. I respond with the correct information & also point to my driver license which would match the paperwork in question or so I thought. I guess cross referencing is an out-dated secretarial practice.

Moving right along into the exam room. Doctor enters room, shakes my hand & immediately says "you aren't 15". I said "ohh, there was a time"....

Random Thoughts 15

Have you ever heard of chicken & waffles? I think its more of African-American tradition than not. Anywhoo, one my favorite places to grab a drive-thru lunch is Chick-fil-a. Served up are chicken sandwiches, nuggets, wraps & biscuits followed with a side called "waffle fries". Chicken & waffles, get it? I wonder if this combo was on purpose?

Soon To Be Mrs. Sixx

MÖTLEY CRÜE/SIXX A.M. bassist Nikki Sixx, who turned 51 in December, has confirmed the end of his two-year relationship with 27-year-old tattoo artist and "L.A. Ink" star Kat Von D (born Katherine Von Drachenberg).

"I want to wish Katherine nothing but the best in her life," Sixx writes on his MySpace page. "She has loved and inspired the hell outta me and I know I have done the same for her in these almost two years we ruled the earth together.

"We are taking a break from our relationship for reasons that we will choose to keep personal. You won't find me saying a bad word about her and I don't believe vice versa… We have too much wonderful history together to ever deface that."

The reasons they are choosing to break - well its just one really - ME. The picture below will be in the newspapers announcing our engagement (no gifts please).

Beauty 101

There are a few items every woman should not only have but also use. Of Those few items one should be a bra. This isn't the 60's and due to environmental factors there is no need to burn them and rebellion is for boys. Please cinch your girls up and put them where they belong - they should rest between the top bend of your elbow and shoulder not on top of your belly. Bouncy can be sexy but stagnant flopping is not. Some can be pretty expensive but there are some that are relatively cheap for the job they do and when in doubt choose one with an under wire - higher is always better. Sure men say they like the "free" look but those men are talking about 25 year old women with perfectly tanned & augmented double D's. Even if you have teeny little A's surround them with some beautiful lace & microfiber. Remember ladies all members of the male species - boys, men & dirty old bastards - love the thrill of the hunt. Give them something to wrangle with before you hit the sheets or the back seat.

Next up is make-up. You don't have to have a paint palette like Tammy Faye Bakker or Dolly Parton. Don't even think pan-cake make-up for a second - spackling is for walls. Less is typically more in this arena. At least grab yourself the basics - facial moisturizer, mascara, lipstick, powder & an eyebrow brush. There is a reason God made beauty products - to be used and used often. You might not think men notice but they do. You've heard the statement "I prefer the natural look", men have no idea what natural is. What our manly partners think is natural takes hours to accomplish. If you are in doubt about the miracles make-up can do see for yourself.

Please ladies, do us all a favor - give your "girls" the attention and praise they deserve & practice the use of war paint. Rome wasn't built in a day so lets get started.

I Believe...

That Coca-Cola & Saltines will cure any stomach bug.

That lipstick completes any outfit.

That gossip can ruin someone's life.

That your business is just as important to someone as their business.

That trust is something hard to come by.

That a good haircut can make you walk taller, straighter & make you 15 lbs lighter.

In a good time.

Is It Wrong? (two more things)

Self proclaimed authors of Preppy and Southern Belle blogs.

Just because you have all things plaid or wear argyle work out clothes with your 4th generation pearls doesn't make you a prep. Because everything in your home is pink & green with curlz monogramming - well guess what Muffy, Buffy & Binky? Doesn't make you preppy either. Polo and LL Bean bedding doesn't automatically send you into prepdom.

or...

Just because you are from (use overly exaggerated southern drawl) Jaw-guh, Alabamuh or that little ole' place we call South Carulinah doesn't make you a Southern Belle. Because you have a front poeh-uch and you sip mint juleps watching that pesky ol' sun set doesn't make you one either. Because you have small wrists, faint on sofas or because your family owned cotton fields...NO.

Why am I digging on these people? Because I do de-klair-uh I can! I am from the deep south, born he-uh, lived he-uh for 32 ye-uhs. I have no twangy, drippy sweet Scarlett O'Hara or Mama Gump drawl. If you don't believe me just ask this guy or this one. I don't wipe my mouth, I dab the corners. I sit with my legs crossed & I use yes ma'am & no sir on a daily basis. Just because you are from the region - it does not make you a Southern Belle, it makes you a Southerner. If you can prove to me you "were conceived under a magnolia, born under an azalea"...then we'll talk.

and...

I have been sporting plaid, monogrammed clothing and handbags for 30 years! I wore pink in green in the 4th grade. I love cardigans. Fond of headbands & have a picture of John Jr. on my bedside table. My hair is straight and shoulder length too. None of these equate a trip to Preppyville. Unless you're a Kennedy & live on Martha's Vineyard you are out of sweet Lacoste luck.

Folks, please pull your head out of your pompus wanna-be asses.

Whew, I am tired.

Relationships 103

How many times have you heard or have been told "you need to take time for yourself", "you need time to grieve" or "you should wait a little while before you get into another relationship".

Let me address these - First, taking time for oneself. This is a very broad group of words put together in one seemingly small sentence. What the "giver" is suggesting is that you should not get into another relationship. One (myself) assumes the "giver" is lonely and doesn't have a relationship to speak of or the "giver" is jealous of the life you are about to lead (freedom). Taking time for oneself can be whatever the "receiver" wants it to be - learning a new hobby, slumber parties, learn Swahili, but lets be honest class how does one getting out of relationship move on and take time for their self - meeting new people & doing new things which could include dinner out at an expensive Asian fusion restaurant with an Asian fusion person. New things could also include some bedroom Olympics with Asian fusion flare of course (think geisha & foot binding). When I take time for oneself (me) it almost always involves someone else. Just saying.

Secondly, waiting a bit before getting into another relationship. What the "giver" is saying here is that you should take some time for yourself (see above).

Thirdly, taking time to grieve. No, not for a mortal death but relationship death. What the "giver" is saying here is you should wait a bit before getting into another relationship & that you should take some time for yourself (see above).

When someone is dishing out this advice do you really think they have your their best interest at heart? Doubtful. I've never told someone "take time for yourself" because I believe it to be a bullshit metaphor or analogy that involves deeply rooted jealousy from the "giver". I am not saying that I practice what I preach but if you want to bed hop, do it. Sew those whorish oats & sew them well. If you want to hide like a hermit and mimic Howard Hughes, do it. Climb Kilimanjaro? Just remember to layer & send me a postcard.

When men become divorced or are dumped where do they head? For the hottest bed they can find. Nothing wrong with that. Work out all of that pent up anger & irritability. Who does it hurt really? Men, women were designed to couple with one another & pro-create. Some can't pro-create so they just rehearse, a lot.

Basically the message the giver is delivering is don't get involved again - spend time with me - I don't have a man/woman friend neither should you.

Funny the stuff they won't tell ya...

Random Thoughts 14

Why are "they" called baby blues regardless of the age of the owner? What about teenage blues or adult blues? Little shit blues? Adolescent blues? Mid-life crisis blues? Baby browns? Baby greens?

What is tit for tat? Who came up with this little quip? If see a tat you get a tit? You get titted, you get tatted? Why not pit for pat or fit for fat? Who comes up with this stuff?

What if I become one of those parents (no I am not pregnant) who blog about their kids as I belittled those who do last week? Hopefully this genetic mishap is due to pass me by. Eeek, what if it doesn't? Surely I can count on ALL of YOU to slap me in the right way and the occassional wrong way if I do. I mean, I have 4 pups and I rarely throw them into the spotlight & let me tell you they deserve the spotlight because like their owner/mother - they are perfect.

Have you ever thought about how big of a space you would need if you were to put all of the things you buy & use but never keep, like toliet paper, food, food wrappers, tolietries, gas, hooch, feelings, heartache, water, make-up, medicine?

I Almost Forgot....

"Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more, you should never wish to do less". ~~ General Robert E. Lee

Happy Birthday.