The Randomness Of It All

Do you ever reflect upon your life? If you say no 1. You are lying to yourself or
2. You are lying to me. Either way, you're a liar.

Who knows what might ignite a fit of reflection. It could be witnessing an elderly couple in love after so many year, a night's dream or purely a single feeling that just eats away at you. After much reflecting of my own self, I decided there comes a time in all our lives when we are faced with a choice. The choice at hand could be life altering or simply choosing between a hamburger or cheeseburger Happy Meal. In making your Happy Meal choice you at least get a surprise based on your gender. Making a life altering choice may lead to more than one surprise including but not limited to your gender. Today finds me at a crossroad and it is not based upon cheese and meat. It is much more complex than that. My crossroad is about true happiness and self fulfillment. I've never been one to look into myself so all of this soul searching and self discovery is pretty new to me. And needless to say, it is hardwork. I will not take for granted that the salary due to me in the end will be worth every tear I cry and every heartbreak I endure.

Wanting More

Today it dawned on me that when we get what we sought the tables turn and its no longer what we want. Is that because the rules of the game change? Because we change? Or because when we got what we wanted, the "got" changed? I've always said everything worth having is worth the fight regardless of how hard or how lengthy. Isn't that how races are won and championships are gained by fighting and some strategy? Do we become discontented because of temptation? Because we have so many choices? Just when we are on the brink of happiness we fall off and the fall sometimes good, sometimes bad, puts us right back at the beginning of a long road. All I can say is thank goodness for memories good or bad because they can truly drive us right to where we need to be.

You Push, I'll Pull, No Wait...

A friend and I were discussing relationship highs, lows, fits of craziness and the throes of passion. As our talk continued we began to make light of the craziness. We then discovered how interesting it would be for two bi polar people to be involved in an intimate relationship. The scenario was something like this...

"Get off of me, get under me. Leave, no, stay. *Slap, you deserved that, no you didn't. You're stupid, no your wonderful. I hate you, I love you. Let me drown, save me. You're insane, no, you're level headed. I like black, you are black. *Kick, I didn't mean that, come here. Call me, don't call me. I hope you leave and never come back, please don't leave me. I want to wear your skin like a birthday suit, I hate suits. I want you, who are you? I hate sushi, I love fish. You don't need to drink, who drank all my vodka? Kiss me, keep your tongue out of my mouth. Lets take a vacation, I'm not going anwhere with you."

Without some mania in the world, it would be flat and boring. Crazy people need love too.

Happy Birthday!

On this day 50 years ago your sweet little cries entered the world. Now, 50 years later, we are still listening to your cries. May today bring you all the peace you have sought and may the next 50 years be even better.

Happy Birthday Nikki Sixx!

This Post Will Self Destruct....

How much faith do we put in the finding of our inner peace? Or do we find inner peace putting all our cards on the table for faith?

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if we could just put on a little lipstick on the inside just as we do outside to show the world we are completely pulled together? The thing about our inner conflicts is that it is only our self that can see and feel them. No one will ever know of the struggle until we confess it. I guess the journey of finding inner peace would begin with learning how to forgive. The process of forgiving to me hinders on one thing: how do you forgive when you can’t forget? Call me an elephant, a grudge holder or any other label that has to do with not forgetting. When someone has wronged me I will remember and relive the situation in question over and over. Aren’t we supposed to harness the good and let go of the bad? Don’t get me wrong, not all of my innards are a ticker tape of the bad stuff. Every now and then a reflection of good and right will show up.

The self help section of any book store will offer one thousand titles per one conflict to gain your inner peace. One book suggested writing a letter telling of the hurt and hate you might have and sending it to a random address. Um, that little exercise had no positive response for any closure I was seeking. Purging (out with the old, in with the new) hasn’t necessarily worked for me either. So what will it take? Sitting in the foothills of the Himalayans, praying to a little fat man? Watching Benny Hinn heal everyone in the audience with far greater physical afflictions but me who chose to stay seated for fear of being embarrassed?

Whatever it may take, I will gladly accept the mission.

Misery Loves Company

I've noticed I only blog when something isn't right. Only a few posts have positive content. To few in too many if you ask me. Even posts involving the secret love of my life -- Nikki Sixx -- offers negative tokens. I understand the need to celebrate and share milestone events such as job retirement, decade passing or arriving of birthdays, marital anniversaries but what about the small things? A small thing might be sucessfully making it one full week with no alcohol use, not checking your email in-box 52 times a day or breaking the nasty habit of biting your nails. Those little happenings are rarely celebrated. I am not saying that we celebrate the negative either. What I'm saying is we tend to open the flood gates when something isn't going our way and we like for the world to know it. Irritating co-workers, dogs who chew everything in their path, gas prices, heartache or a bad haircut. We'll talk about it and talk about it to any one who will turn an open ear. There is just something about beating a dead horse.

So, does it go without saying that we only shout from the roof tops when our lives are on the verge of something awful?

Depressing, yes? Reality, absolutely.

Easy Schmeasy

I’ve touched briefly in recent words how the easy things in life don’t come easy. Whether it is leaving a toxic relationship, beginning a new one or trying to find the PSI for your tires. Just when you think you couldn't ever want more you do. You get a little bit more and the need for something bigger and better is almost insatiable. The more we have the more we feel like we lack. Why is this? Why does contentment have to feel like a four letter word? And better yet, does satisfaction exist at all?

This isn’t necessarily regarding the luck of having Target or Wal-Mart within a 2 mile radius of your home. It is more about not wanting what we have emotionally, spiritually, mentally and vice versa. Everything, relationship oriented, tends to be a struggle in its entirety. We have disappointed parents because their expectations, ever how small or large, were not met, disgruntled employees because promotions or bonuses were not given and lovelorn couples expecting the unobtainable from their mate. It is no secret we have to fight, scratch and claw to get just to catch a glimmer of happiness or fulfillment in our lives. Reaching and rising might just equal stretching and falling. I wonder if the need for understanding, perfect companionship and light hearts is the same for drug abusers? We try it, we like it and the need for the like increases until enough is never enough but sometimes too much?

Everything carries a price. I wonder what the final cost of true happiness could be?