Gimme That Dollar

As I drug myself out of bed this morning at 4:45 am, I couldn't help but wonder who was I really getting out of bed for. That got me to thinking about money and how the majority of us chases that little green monster called the dollar which snowballs into chasing another and another. Some of us are lucky enough to catch one, others not so much. Usually by the time I have caught one it's already spent. I don't live above my means. My car and home are modest. I don't get regular mani/pedi's and it doesn't cost a fortune to get my hair done (not yet anyway). The only splurge I have is handbags. My former bag purchase routinely was two new glorious pieces a year. Last year I was able to eek out five fantastic couture handbags. In my mind that means I have arrived. I am no longer confined to hoarding mad cash, pacing back and forth in front of a glass case to not so eagerly hand it over to a woman wearing a starched black suit, in school marm shoes with a perfect coiffure. I can leisurely browse and then buy when the new season's styles roll in (in a fit of fury, of course). Crazy for some. Completely sane for others.

So who do I work for? Louis Vuitton? Kate Spade? Nah, I do it all for myself...

Little Nikki

As many of you may know I have a thing for rock stars. Well, just one really. Okay, maybe two or three but my heart and other body organs lies with just one. Black hair, tattoos, massive amounts of eyeliner, leather, chains and a jewelry collection that would make a man of God cry is my trend of rocker. As I've allowed myself to leave the world of Motley Crue just to dip my toes into the realm of other screamers, I've discovered Papa Roach. And what to my discovering eyes should appear? A vision in black with tattooed ears. The lead guy, Jacoby Shaddix, closely resembles Nikki Sixx. Surely I thought this some type of trickery, a back-up Nikki? It only gets better from there (sans his wife and kids). He is 18 years Nikki's junior which puts us in the same age box. Just look at his sweet little fingers - already tattooed with LOVE. Oh how the heaven's have shone down on me and now have lit the way. *sigh*

"Don't worry Nikki, I would never stray from you, you have my heart and I have your eyeliner"...

Tickety Tockety

The world turns regardless of any quandary in my life. Circular and floating she spins right on schedule. Would I really want the the world to stop and witness my life falling apart? Not even sure I would want it stop and watch it come together. Thus brings me to my thought today - a family member of mine (10 yrs younger than I) just found out today she is "expecting". While I should be happy for her (and I am) I can't help but feel innately jealous. I don't know why jealousy finds me as often as it does, but it rears its little green head more often than not. I have the same equipment as my cousin does but have chosen not to take it out of the box. In short, I've kept it hidden in my closet with my baseball card collection, circa 1992. The likeness between the two - the players no longer play the game and my uterus never got off the bench. So I make this statement to myself as I round third base and head toward home plate, - "Oh my, you are so not ready to have a child or oh yes, the time is now".

Ever notice the similarity between a uterus and home plate? Coincidence? I think not.

I Use To Be A Ms.'s

My cell phone rang, I answered it. On the other end of the line was my auntie. Dear, sweet auntie Dianne. She said she was just calling to tell me that she was wearing the dress that she wore to my wedding some years back. Why she deemed it necessary to do so I didn't ask but I thanked her gladly for calling and dredging up a painful memory. Not that I had to dig to far down to find it, but that is not the point. My mind allows me to think of my days of being a bride more than it should. It needs not a piece of clothing to sling me into fits of remembrance.

I was married roughly 3 years. I use the term roughly because I was "released" two weeks shy of my third wedding anniversary. Being "released" has been the gift that has kept on giving. It has kept on giving me sleepless nights, itchy fingers sifting through old photos and plenty of thoughts of what might have been. In case your wondering, I am no longer in love with former groom and no longer in awe with the idea of being a Ms.'s either. The former groom has moved on and if I am a favorite in the eye of God, is living miserably and uncomfortably with his new wife. I know I shouldn't wish dire unhappiness upon someone but I believe its warranted in this case due the fact that he sent me directly into a life filled further with self-doubt and self-hatred. I did learn to pick my own battles. I also learned that cooler heads prevail in any situation, but I would never dare say thank you to former groom for those gifts or would I?

"Thank you, thank you very much for all you have given to me".

Do I Have Plenty?

En route to a social function today I passed the Harley Davidson store. As soon as it was in site I thought of Uncle Steve, a biker of sorts. He is not necessarily today my uncle, as he and my mother's sister divorced many years back, but in my mind he will always be Uncle Steve. The thought of him threw me into thoughts of his mother, Ms. Miller, who passed away a couple of years ago in a car accident. As I thought of her passing I pondered Uncle Steve's ties to Alabama and how he doesn't really have any anymore. If I lived in Maine and my mother passed away (whom still lives in the deep south) I would never pass this way again. Once more I thought of Ms. Miller. She had three children, 7 grand kids and possibly as many great grand kids. The reason for the wonderment was did she live/have a full life because of her family? As I thought about this longer than I should, I wondered if my life was going to be lackluster in the end because I didn't spread my proverbial seed. My stand on having children teeters between having none and having one, maybe two (the old fashioned way).

While at my social soiree, a couple had brought their children. One of the kids was a 13 month old girl. Too cute for words really. I held this little human, shared crackers (that she thought I also needed to eat, so we both had crackers all over our face), fed her a jar of pears, oooh'd and aahhh'd as she cooed while being tickled and swung onto my hip like a spider monkey. In doing all of this I thought of the hyporcrite I really am. If someone asks me why I don't have kids, I simply say "I don't like them" or "ack, I mow my own grass", but if you had seen me in motion with munchin in question, you would have thought that little girl was mine. Is that wrong?

I wonder if I never have children, will I have plenty in my life?

Tolerance

Yesterday I thought indifference was the worst thing in a relationship. Today I think it's tolerance. What makes one person lose their cool may keep another at bay. I'd say I am very tolerant. Tolerant of many things such as bad hair days, Nikki Sixx & Kat Von D's relationship, the evening news - and many people - Wal-Mart employees, bad drivers and Kat Von D. Will there come a time in my life when I say "enough is enough", when my tolerant stand becomes limited?

Is tolerance a good trait to have? The verdict is still out.

Me Thinks - More Random Thoughts & Ideas

Alas, the mind needs to go awry and the fingers must jolt into action...

Is there just ONE for every someone?

Why does it take so long to find that ONE?

Does happily ever after really exist?

Were the Allman Brothers stoned when they wrote Melissa?

Who determined red was a power color?

Why is the mullet called a mullet, why not a grouper? (the haircut, not the fish)

Why did Eve have to eat that stupid apple? (stupid girl, stupid head, I hate apples)

Always waiting for tomorrow, why can't it happen today?

Will "big hair" return? For those who do not understand history are destined to repeat it?


Light, inhale, roll the flavor, exhale...ahhhhhh.

Life Begins Anew

Today in a cold examining room I pillaged through a candy bowl chocked fill of mini Snicker and Twix chocolates. Next to the bowl was a short stack of books. I quickly scanned the titles and chose a book titled The Meaning of Life by Bradley Trevor Greive. The book, small and green, was filled with silly pictures of animals with great inspiration written beneath each picture. As I began to read through the book, not yet inspired, discovered the book offered "punches" to help you begin the life you have so sought. The very one that you put on the back burner. As I continued to read my chest puffed up a little and my hunched over position became a little taller and thought I can surely put into motion what I really want to do. Then I happened across a page with this question --What do you truly love? -- I couldn't answer the question. Assuming the answer is different for everyone and deeper than a new handbag or John Stamos' hair, I felt lost. Another kuwinkidink about finding this book was that someone just recently made this comment to me and I quote "it seems like I am always waiting for my life to begin". What do you say to that? When does our life begin? At our first breath or is it when we discover that every second that ticks away brings us closer to our unavoidable fate and then realize this is OUR life, it's gonna roll by pretty quick, so do what you love, love what you do, if you know what that love is?

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose". - Robert Byrne

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet". -- Emily Dickinson

"Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours"? --- Roy H. Williams

"He who has nothing to die for has nothing to live for". ---- Morrocan Proverb

Words

The English dictionary is full of fun words that I rarely use. Either the definition doesn't fit the situation or I have forgotten the word all together. One word that I rarely use but is fun to say because of the pronunciation is indicative [in-dik-uh-tiv]. When this word rolls of my tongue, I must say I feel quite educated even though its not really an educated word. Another word is miff(mĭf) or miffed. I actually used this particular word this morning due to a co-worker assuming because I didn't watch the news I couldn't carry on a conversation about a current event involving NFL players and a boat - der der der, I thought as I strapped on my pink safety helmet.

Medicinal [muh-dis-uh-nl] is a very good term when you are attempting to explain the gallon of vodka seat belted in your back seat, use of it even makes you sound smarter than you really are. However, trying to say medicinal while inoxicated may sound something like "maydidinkul".

Finally that brings me to googootz [guh-goo-tz], slang Italian term of endearment meaning zucchini and gabbagool [gah-bah-goo-uhl], which is guido speak for dried capicola -- "Hey Vito, you fat googootz, did you eat my gabbagool?".

Broaden your literary loquaciousness and use some new words!

I Do!

The arena was full. The crowd was buzzing and ready. The lights went down & the curtain came up. *Thump, thump, thump, thump* Pyrotechnics began and the crusaders of the glam metal revolution appeared. Nikki to the left, Tommy in the middle, Vince everywhere & Mick "Fucking" Mars to the right. The music was loud and the views on the big screen were raunchy as ever.

I never sat down, screamed, cried, fake whistled, jumped up down for two hours and was exhausted. As I was pondering leaving, a uniformed man with a flashlight tapped my shoulder and said come with me. He led me through the crowd, to the back of the stage. At the back of the stage was a curtain. He drew the curtain to one side and there it shone in all its glory ---- the biggest, blinging skull and cross bone ring I had ever seen. I asked "what is this all about?". The man pointed to the ring and said "go to it". I moved toward the ring and noticed a note and recognized the handwriting immediately. The note read "Kimberly, you've waited for this moment for a long time and the time is now. Wear this ring and I will call you onto the stage in a moment. Be ready. XOXO Nikki". I swooned for a moment and gained my composure. I teased my hair and applied fresh lipstick. Then I heard the voice and I was called onto the stage. A spotlight shone on both of us as Nikki got down on one knee and asked me "will you apply my black eyeliner for the rest of your life?". Nervously but very enthusiastically I said "fuck yes!!". The crowd roared as Mick rocked us out to Here Comes the Bride.

Then, I woke up....

Tips Of Her Fingers

Once upon a time in a placed filled with debauchery and chaos there was a girl, Stacy, who lived a big hair dream. The big hair dream involved black hair dye, lots of Aqua Net and the desire for a man with the name of Sixx. One day the box office opened and tickets for a grand gala went on sale. As Stacy sold her favorite leather pants autographed by Yngwie Malsteen and her fanciest skull ring, she stood in line to purchase tickets for the grand gala. While in line she met another girl, Tracy, vying for the love of the man with the name of Sixx. As they both approached the front of the box office line the competitiveness grew. They each began to tease their hair to the heavens, apply more black eyeliner and expose their Too Fast For Love tattoos. Just as they were about to close in on the front of the line Stacy quickly pointed in the opposite direction and shouted "Vince Neil!", Tracy unknowing this act of trickery looked in that direction as she did that Stacy bolted to the ticket office window and purchased the last front row concert seat available. Tracy, clearly unhappy, began to spew obscenities at Stacy and tear at her fish net stockings exposing an entire body tattoo of the man with the name of Sixx. Stacy smiled smugly and said "girl, don't go away mad, girl just go away" as she crawled into her 1981 Trans Am and sped off.

Resist This

I was listening to a song and one verse in this particular song suddenly stood out to me "there are somethings in life you should resist". Quickly the wheels began to turn. What in our lives should we resist? Drugs, sex and rock n roll because they all could lead to much darker situations? Because their the devil's hands? Bad advice which from my experience is always taken over the good? Pass on the extra gravy and have another helping of the bland veggies? Finding temptation is never hard due to the fact it finds me but resisting said temptation is when the brow really begins to sweat. When you think about it, most things we enjoy are sinful and we knowingly enjoy them over and over, never minding the price we may have to pay later. Why is being bad so much easier than being good? Example: being fat is so much easier than being skinny and we all know that gluttony is a sin, but we continually shovel in bite after bite because it tastes good, feels good. Another area where restraint should be practiced is bad relationships. Even if there is one inkling the person might be detrimental to our health, we throw caution to the wind and head right on in. Why not? Its all about living in the moment right? Why do we not protect ourselves as we should? Is resistance the same as perseverance or is perseverance the same as no resistance? Either way, its a crap shoot, just roll the dice.

Romeo, Romeo...

Is it wrong that I have a "crush" on a rock n roll bassist, that has a girlfriend, is 16 years older than me, has 4 biological kids and is potentially sober? Personally, I think I am too old for any type of crush. But, because (in my mind) he deserves to be blogged about and blogged about often...(sigh).

More, More, More

Often we let people in our lives define who we are. Not always a bad thing, say if you are parent, alas I am not a parent but I feel I let people play a huge role in who I am and who I have become. I'd like to think I can control my future and allow myself to be the person I've always wanted to be. What person is that you ask? Someone who would be missed if they left this world too soon, someone who inspires and brings out the best in others, a problem solver, a question creator, someone who had more friends and family than she knew what to do with, someone who would be remembered as kind and loving or just someone who would be remembered at all. All simply obtainable or so I think. Our road in life is short when we think about it in years but is awfully long when we think about the strife and struggles along the way. People who hurt you have a way of making your days long. They also have a way of seeping into your mind at night to let you know that you are worthless and are a waste of space. As strong as we pretend we are, we let the very person who professes their immortal love for us - break us. How does that happen? Why do we let it happen?

Words are a powerful thing and I await the day when I can hold my head up and say "there is more to me than you".

Food For Thought

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" - Mary Manin Morrissey

Examine This

"An unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates

A college instructor pitched this quote to me. Karl Eulenstein was the name and making students his prodigies was his game. He threw it at me circa 1993'ish (before the convenience of Google) and said to me "who said it and explain the meaning". I immediately gave our senior librarian (Google back in the day) a $5 bill and begged "please, for the love of God, help me"! Our librarian had a very close resemblance to Don King, not quite as boisterous, possibly gay and he gave me back my $5 bucks even after he did the footwork. As I was sharing my find with Mr. Eulenstein and offering to him what I thought the quote meant, pleased, he then threw at me what are the two most important things in life? How easy I thought this to be - I "immediately offered family and God", "love and God"? He countered "come on Kim, you can do better than that". I never got that little project right by my own accord - he said the two most important things in life were power and wisdom. Now, a decade and a half later, I understand better of what importance each are.

What does the Socrates quote say? I believe it says you have to live your life by trying new things, all things. Things that are normal, scary, hard, easy, crazy, straight and over the top. To choose our destinations and make those difficult choices. If we set back and watch the world pass, afraid to get our feet wet or not jumping in, worrying what the outcome may or may not be, we'll never be fulfilled therefore in the eyes of Socrates, our life was not worth living.

Go examine yourself, your life...just do it.

For the Love of the Bag

Tonight I was having dinner with a wonderfully honest person. As we carried on about our current relationships, he divulged to me that his lover was going to have a Botox procedure done. Naturally I inquired of the cost and the most amazing words came from my friend's mouth - "you don't need Botox, you don't have one wrinkle on your face, really you don't have one". As I rose a bit higher in my seat, I adjusted my "girls" and thought this very comment deserves some type of purchase. My thought process of what to purchase did not fade or hasten because I had just received the latest catalog from one of my favorite fashion merchandisers. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew exactly where it was. Time was running out for the evening so I quickly dashed into the department store. I walked to a very clean glass case and pointed to item of desire. As the associate placed it into my hand I read her name tag - "Helen" - what a beautiful name and she spoke in a foreign tongue, possibly Russian. I coddled the item in my hands and I was enamored by the scent of leather all around me. My feet rose from the tiled floor and I felt forever in love. Helen directed me to her counter and I quickly paid for my large hobo pebble grain leather Dooney & Bourke bag. It is crimson red with a rich brown trim, the strap short and fits oh so comfortabley and favors a horse bridle. Helen placed my new child into a dust bag and then handed it off to me. As I turned to walk away she said that she could tell I was special and then uttered "zee bag makes uh da ladee".

Another Morsel

Life is not fair, life is not free. But it all seems a little less harsh when we are truly happy.

Ode to Jenny

For my 30ish something birthday this past December, my friend Jenny, gave me a gift. The gift I received from her hand to my back porch was a book titled Eat, Pray, Love. The book has now been in my possession since mid December. Unopened and unread before now, tonight I turned the first page. As I embark through this literary journey I will keep your very situation along with mine in the forefront. As I feel I am going to relive most of my painful past caused by failed relationships and other situations to dark to recount here, I too, will ponder yours. Thank you Jenny for all you have been. I wish you healing and hope like you have never imagined. Because "its not waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"...I love you.

Who Knew?

Days come and go. Weeks pass. Years, too, soon fly by. Where do all the moments go? And seconds? One, including myself has to wonder if these increments of time ever existed at all. Would it be cool to watch an instant replay of our life and to only highlight the important events? A condensed version which also includes our mistakes? Who wants to watch us make our mistakes? Our enemies? Maybe our step-mothers who we hate dearly in return? Is life to short to hate anyone? I once received a fortune in one of those delectable crispy cookies you receive after eating a less fortunate Chinese buffet. It read "no one is important enough to make you angry". I've held on to that piece of paper for 4 years just waiting for the right moment to reach down inside of me and bring it to the top. But I, being of sound mind and body, do tend to let that very thing happen daily. I get angry at/with people and I get angry often. An important person in my life recently received this fortune "all of your answers are right in front of you". I thought, how consequential, since I were sitting in front of them. I thought of the responsibility this little piece of paper had bestowed upon me. What could I do to bring this to fruition? Is it fate? Destiny? Coincidence? All of the above? Life has a funny way of bringing people together or tearing them apart. Things happen. People happen. I only hope that I can be exactly what life has predetermined of me because I believe IT knows best.