Bitch Session & the Like

**Warning: Long Post**

 

Have any of you ever questioned your existence as in "I wish I had never been born" or "what am I doing"?  This is me today.  We've all envisioned our life in how we wanted it to be, who we would be.  I can say with 100% certainty the life I am living is not the life I wanted.  What I wanted was a great job, not to be rich but comfortable, married, living in some big city & living a big city life.  Well, I do love my job, I am not rich & not really comfortable, not married, living in the country and living a semi-country life. I share a home with my man friend & I am a co-parent to his 3 children who we have for 7 days on & 7 days off. I do have their best interest at heart whether they know it or not.  None are grateful for anything I do for them unless its in the moment when they want something then there is gratitude shown.  I am sure they aren't grateful because I am not their mother who is in all honesty is a piece of white trash.  She has always been & will always be.  She lies, manipulates, quotes scripture on Facebook and plays the pathetic card almost always. She bought for the 13 year old daughter Victoria's Secret lacy boy shorts & a push up bra.  I was floored - its not cute, its inappropriate.  What is a 13 year old girl supposed to do with provocative under garments? 

I was an entirely different bird than any of the kids & I can't understand why.  Why can't I understand?  Because they were & still are young enough to be shown the right way to do things, to be proud and to take a little pride in themselves.  To understand that it takes this much money to this & that much more to do that.  At our house they have their own rooms, closets, clothes, toys, TV's.  We eat dinner out once a week. Every Monday night upon their return is steak night (which they beg for).  I do their laundry & clean their bathroom.  Do any of you have any idea of how many dirty clothes there are at the end of the day with 3 kids & 2 adults? At their mom's they have to share a room, are sleeping on mattresses on the floor & eat frozen lasagna.  I realize I am trying to undo years of what their mother & father has shown them & its frustrating. I thought when you knew better, you did better?

I have a touch of OCD or at least I think I do.  I can't work around clutter or filth.  I can't go to bed when I know something has to be done.  I sweep, swiffer & do laundry every day.  I dust & clean bathrooms once a week. We have 3 dogs & that means more cleaning.  I get so overwhelmed & I get overwhelmed easily. 

Taking out trash, doing homework, getting a shower/bath, uniforms, field trips, cheer leading, $2 for this, $5 for that, lunches, feeding dogs, feeding cats, taking medicine, wallowing on furniture,  brushing teeth, brushing hair, wearing shoes, laziness, slamming doors, making beds, loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, putting away clean clothes, rinsing out the sink, flushing the toilet, washing hands ---- it is an unending saga & I have no smart way of dealing with it all.

I asked the 13 year old girl last night was California a city or state - she didn't know the answer.  The body language, bad skin, playing games on her phone during school (I suggested to her father that maybe she shouldn't take her phone to school. He paid no attention to me), not paying attention in class, not really caring about grades, unorganized, laziness, not picking up a piece of paper on the floor when you walk by it, throwing tissue paper  beside the bathroom garbage can instead of in it,  - it makes me overly insane.  Is it just me? Do any of you feel this way?

Should I run?  Will it get better?  What can I do to be a better influence in their lives? Are my expectations out of reach - to have productive, positive, grateful little people?  Or ------ am I just a bitch who has no inkling of how the world really works?

My life is a pathetic glimpse of someone else's reality. And....yes, this morning, I thought to myself "I wish I had never been born".