**Warning: Long Post**
I was an entirely different bird than any of the kids & I can't understand why. Why can't I understand? Because they were & still are young enough to be shown the right way to do things, to be proud and to take a little pride in themselves. To understand that it takes this much money to this & that much more to do that. At our house they have their own rooms, closets, clothes, toys, TV's. We eat dinner out once a week. Every Monday night upon their return is steak night (which they beg for). I do their laundry & clean their bathroom. Do any of you have any idea of how many dirty clothes there are at the end of the day with 3 kids & 2 adults? At their mom's they have to share a room, are sleeping on mattresses on the floor & eat frozen lasagna. I realize I am trying to undo years of what their mother & father has shown them & its frustrating. I thought when you knew better, you did better?
I have a touch of OCD or at least I think I do. I can't work around clutter or filth. I can't go to bed when I know something has to be done. I sweep, swiffer & do laundry every day. I dust & clean bathrooms once a week. We have 3 dogs & that means more cleaning. I get so overwhelmed & I get overwhelmed easily.
Taking out trash, doing homework, getting a shower/bath, uniforms, field trips, cheer leading, $2 for this, $5 for that, lunches, feeding dogs, feeding cats, taking medicine, wallowing on furniture, brushing teeth, brushing hair, wearing shoes, laziness, slamming doors, making beds, loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, putting away clean clothes, rinsing out the sink, flushing the toilet, washing hands ---- it is an unending saga & I have no smart way of dealing with it all.
I asked the 13 year old girl last night was California a city or state - she didn't know the answer. The body language, bad skin, playing games on her phone during school (I suggested to her father that maybe she shouldn't take her phone to school. He paid no attention to me), not paying attention in class, not really caring about grades, unorganized, laziness, not picking up a piece of paper on the floor when you walk by it, throwing tissue paper beside the bathroom garbage can instead of in it, - it makes me overly insane. Is it just me? Do any of you feel this way?
Should I run? Will it get better? What can I do to be a better influence in their lives? Are my expectations out of reach - to have productive, positive, grateful little people? Or ------ am I just a bitch who has no inkling of how the world really works?
My life is a pathetic glimpse of someone else's reality. And....yes, this morning, I thought to myself "I wish I had never been born".