Tickety Tockety

The world turns regardless of any quandary in my life. Circular and floating she spins right on schedule. Would I really want the the world to stop and witness my life falling apart? Not even sure I would want it stop and watch it come together. Thus brings me to my thought today - a family member of mine (10 yrs younger than I) just found out today she is "expecting". While I should be happy for her (and I am) I can't help but feel innately jealous. I don't know why jealousy finds me as often as it does, but it rears its little green head more often than not. I have the same equipment as my cousin does but have chosen not to take it out of the box. In short, I've kept it hidden in my closet with my baseball card collection, circa 1992. The likeness between the two - the players no longer play the game and my uterus never got off the bench. So I make this statement to myself as I round third base and head toward home plate, - "Oh my, you are so not ready to have a child or oh yes, the time is now".

Ever notice the similarity between a uterus and home plate? Coincidence? I think not.

I Use To Be A Ms.'s

My cell phone rang, I answered it. On the other end of the line was my auntie. Dear, sweet auntie Dianne. She said she was just calling to tell me that she was wearing the dress that she wore to my wedding some years back. Why she deemed it necessary to do so I didn't ask but I thanked her gladly for calling and dredging up a painful memory. Not that I had to dig to far down to find it, but that is not the point. My mind allows me to think of my days of being a bride more than it should. It needs not a piece of clothing to sling me into fits of remembrance.

I was married roughly 3 years. I use the term roughly because I was "released" two weeks shy of my third wedding anniversary. Being "released" has been the gift that has kept on giving. It has kept on giving me sleepless nights, itchy fingers sifting through old photos and plenty of thoughts of what might have been. In case your wondering, I am no longer in love with former groom and no longer in awe with the idea of being a Ms.'s either. The former groom has moved on and if I am a favorite in the eye of God, is living miserably and uncomfortably with his new wife. I know I shouldn't wish dire unhappiness upon someone but I believe its warranted in this case due the fact that he sent me directly into a life filled further with self-doubt and self-hatred. I did learn to pick my own battles. I also learned that cooler heads prevail in any situation, but I would never dare say thank you to former groom for those gifts or would I?

"Thank you, thank you very much for all you have given to me".

Do I Have Plenty?

En route to a social function today I passed the Harley Davidson store. As soon as it was in site I thought of Uncle Steve, a biker of sorts. He is not necessarily today my uncle, as he and my mother's sister divorced many years back, but in my mind he will always be Uncle Steve. The thought of him threw me into thoughts of his mother, Ms. Miller, who passed away a couple of years ago in a car accident. As I thought of her passing I pondered Uncle Steve's ties to Alabama and how he doesn't really have any anymore. If I lived in Maine and my mother passed away (whom still lives in the deep south) I would never pass this way again. Once more I thought of Ms. Miller. She had three children, 7 grand kids and possibly as many great grand kids. The reason for the wonderment was did she live/have a full life because of her family? As I thought about this longer than I should, I wondered if my life was going to be lackluster in the end because I didn't spread my proverbial seed. My stand on having children teeters between having none and having one, maybe two (the old fashioned way).

While at my social soiree, a couple had brought their children. One of the kids was a 13 month old girl. Too cute for words really. I held this little human, shared crackers (that she thought I also needed to eat, so we both had crackers all over our face), fed her a jar of pears, oooh'd and aahhh'd as she cooed while being tickled and swung onto my hip like a spider monkey. In doing all of this I thought of the hyporcrite I really am. If someone asks me why I don't have kids, I simply say "I don't like them" or "ack, I mow my own grass", but if you had seen me in motion with munchin in question, you would have thought that little girl was mine. Is that wrong?

I wonder if I never have children, will I have plenty in my life?

Tolerance

Yesterday I thought indifference was the worst thing in a relationship. Today I think it's tolerance. What makes one person lose their cool may keep another at bay. I'd say I am very tolerant. Tolerant of many things such as bad hair days, Nikki Sixx & Kat Von D's relationship, the evening news - and many people - Wal-Mart employees, bad drivers and Kat Von D. Will there come a time in my life when I say "enough is enough", when my tolerant stand becomes limited?

Is tolerance a good trait to have? The verdict is still out.

Me Thinks - More Random Thoughts & Ideas

Alas, the mind needs to go awry and the fingers must jolt into action...

Is there just ONE for every someone?

Why does it take so long to find that ONE?

Does happily ever after really exist?

Were the Allman Brothers stoned when they wrote Melissa?

Who determined red was a power color?

Why is the mullet called a mullet, why not a grouper? (the haircut, not the fish)

Why did Eve have to eat that stupid apple? (stupid girl, stupid head, I hate apples)

Always waiting for tomorrow, why can't it happen today?

Will "big hair" return? For those who do not understand history are destined to repeat it?


Light, inhale, roll the flavor, exhale...ahhhhhh.

Life Begins Anew

Today in a cold examining room I pillaged through a candy bowl chocked fill of mini Snicker and Twix chocolates. Next to the bowl was a short stack of books. I quickly scanned the titles and chose a book titled The Meaning of Life by Bradley Trevor Greive. The book, small and green, was filled with silly pictures of animals with great inspiration written beneath each picture. As I began to read through the book, not yet inspired, discovered the book offered "punches" to help you begin the life you have so sought. The very one that you put on the back burner. As I continued to read my chest puffed up a little and my hunched over position became a little taller and thought I can surely put into motion what I really want to do. Then I happened across a page with this question --What do you truly love? -- I couldn't answer the question. Assuming the answer is different for everyone and deeper than a new handbag or John Stamos' hair, I felt lost. Another kuwinkidink about finding this book was that someone just recently made this comment to me and I quote "it seems like I am always waiting for my life to begin". What do you say to that? When does our life begin? At our first breath or is it when we discover that every second that ticks away brings us closer to our unavoidable fate and then realize this is OUR life, it's gonna roll by pretty quick, so do what you love, love what you do, if you know what that love is?

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose". - Robert Byrne

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet". -- Emily Dickinson

"Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours"? --- Roy H. Williams

"He who has nothing to die for has nothing to live for". ---- Morrocan Proverb

Words

The English dictionary is full of fun words that I rarely use. Either the definition doesn't fit the situation or I have forgotten the word all together. One word that I rarely use but is fun to say because of the pronunciation is indicative [in-dik-uh-tiv]. When this word rolls of my tongue, I must say I feel quite educated even though its not really an educated word. Another word is miff(mĭf) or miffed. I actually used this particular word this morning due to a co-worker assuming because I didn't watch the news I couldn't carry on a conversation about a current event involving NFL players and a boat - der der der, I thought as I strapped on my pink safety helmet.

Medicinal [muh-dis-uh-nl] is a very good term when you are attempting to explain the gallon of vodka seat belted in your back seat, use of it even makes you sound smarter than you really are. However, trying to say medicinal while inoxicated may sound something like "maydidinkul".

Finally that brings me to googootz [guh-goo-tz], slang Italian term of endearment meaning zucchini and gabbagool [gah-bah-goo-uhl], which is guido speak for dried capicola -- "Hey Vito, you fat googootz, did you eat my gabbagool?".

Broaden your literary loquaciousness and use some new words!

I Do!

The arena was full. The crowd was buzzing and ready. The lights went down & the curtain came up. *Thump, thump, thump, thump* Pyrotechnics began and the crusaders of the glam metal revolution appeared. Nikki to the left, Tommy in the middle, Vince everywhere & Mick "Fucking" Mars to the right. The music was loud and the views on the big screen were raunchy as ever.

I never sat down, screamed, cried, fake whistled, jumped up down for two hours and was exhausted. As I was pondering leaving, a uniformed man with a flashlight tapped my shoulder and said come with me. He led me through the crowd, to the back of the stage. At the back of the stage was a curtain. He drew the curtain to one side and there it shone in all its glory ---- the biggest, blinging skull and cross bone ring I had ever seen. I asked "what is this all about?". The man pointed to the ring and said "go to it". I moved toward the ring and noticed a note and recognized the handwriting immediately. The note read "Kimberly, you've waited for this moment for a long time and the time is now. Wear this ring and I will call you onto the stage in a moment. Be ready. XOXO Nikki". I swooned for a moment and gained my composure. I teased my hair and applied fresh lipstick. Then I heard the voice and I was called onto the stage. A spotlight shone on both of us as Nikki got down on one knee and asked me "will you apply my black eyeliner for the rest of your life?". Nervously but very enthusiastically I said "fuck yes!!". The crowd roared as Mick rocked us out to Here Comes the Bride.

Then, I woke up....