Good bye Mr. Rooney

"I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you." ~~ Andy Rooney

Too Boob or Not To Boob

Day 9. The top of the incision still looks pretty funky.

The Daily Boob

Day 8. The top of the incision looks a little worse for wear and the irritation the bandaging caused seems to be getting better.

The Daily Boob

Exactly one week after surgery. The incision is vertical on the side of my right breast and is about 2 inches long. The area around the incision became irritated from the bandaging which is why it looks so funky.

Enjoy.

The Daily Boob

For you Tuesday night drinkers I am going to give you two very good reasons to celebrate: The first is my final pathology results are in for my boob: the lesion was not malignant and there were no signs of precancerous cells. Woo-hoo!

The second great reason to celebrate in today's history was the birth of a man known to some as Heff. Happy Birthday Heff!

Heff & boobs. Not much different than any other day now is it?

Happy Halloween!

Pre-Op & Post-Op BS

I had to be at the breast center Tuesday morning at 9:30. I arrived on time in full make-up, full hair and fully clothed. At the breast center I was to have an ultrasound, a needle localization and a mammogram. The ultrasound was to locate the "marker" that was inserted into the biopsied area when I had the fine needle aspiration of a cyst. The ultrasound could not locate the marker thus forcing me to the humility of a sterotactic table. This table has a hole in the center of if it which, you guessed it, is where your breast "hangs down" through it. You lie face down on the table while people are "working" on your breast. Obviously you can't see what is going on because you are 5 feet in the air and all of the over paid people are underneath the table working with your breast like its a car on a garage rack. X-rays are taken of your breast to locate the marker so the needle localization can be administered. Awesome.

After a $250 co-pay, inquiring of a living will, 12 x-rays, one ultrasound, one mammogram, a wire insertion to my breast, 6 people touching and squeezing my unhappy boobie, transportation in a wheelchair to a hospital van, then transportation from the car through the hospital lobby atrium into pre-op, peeing in a cup, undressing right down to what God gave me, IV insertion with an IV cocktail, crying 3 times because of the humiliation and given an awful patient surgery hat for me to wear I was taken to the operating room.

Two deep breathes of something wonderful and then I woke up to find my breast still in tact. A sweet nurse offered me something for pain. Three pumps of morphine later, I was taken into a another post-op recovery area. I was offered Sprite and crackers. After minimal consumption I became very nauseated. Latex gloves filled with ice were put under my neck & alcohol swabs were placed on my face. I began to feel better until I sat up and it all came back.

Moving on...my mom helped me get dressed and I was trying not to projectile vomit. I finally said I was ready to go and I made it to the car. On the way home I threw up four times in a barf bag in front of someone - I am a loner when it comes to puking but I could not help it. Everytime I heaved I apologized for doing so (I am a violent puker). Finally made it home around 7:00 in the evening. I took a pain pill with a nausea pill and I slept until 8 am the next morning. So....two days later I am alive! I go for the final test results Monday morning.

Thank you everyone who wished me well. And for your viewing pleasure:

People to Do, Places to See

Hey party people...my big day is tomorrow. By big day I mean tomorrow is the day for my surgery and my anxiety level is in overload. No food or drink consumption after midnight tonight and I am nixing any hooch just for added goodness for my well being.

I have to be at the Breast Center for my needle localization tomorrow morning at 9:30. That involves having a wire inserted into my breast near and toward the area affected so the surgeon doesn't go in completely blind (what?). Then I will be transported to the outpatient center where I will register, sign my life away and be taken to pre-op where I will be given a trend setting, fancy, little gown and an IV cocktail so I can chill out for a minute before I am thrown to the wolves. The procedure should take more no more than an hour and a half depending upon if there is any more "involved area".

If all goes well I should go home after the surgery and sleep the rest of the day away.

Wish me luck....

Why oh Why?

I've asked before but I wanted to ask again to see if anyone had any new insight:

Why are throw pillows so expensive?

Why are Christmas tree skirts so expensive?

Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen

No secret I am a huge fan of the 80's and 90's metal/hair/glam bands. During that era a little group called Guns 'n Roses appeared on the scene. The lead screamer was Axl Rose.

There are now two versions of Axl:


The youthful and obnoxious Axl who many loved.


And the guy who ate Axl.

Wow.

Think (very) Pink

How convenient that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month & I am having a breast issue myself. Coincidence?

My issue is the presence of a papillary lesion in my right breast. Due to the presence of this little guy I have to have it removed by surgery no less. So if I hadn't gone for my baseline mammogram the issue would have not been detected as early as it had. According to the surgeon who is going to take care of me, there is a 5% chance of the lesion could become cancerous and from there the turnover is rapid. So I have to tell myself that I am having surgery (even though I don't feel sick and has already cost me $1138.00 of out of pocket expenses)for a very good reason.

So girls (and a few dudes) take care of your girls!

Four Questions

Why do you look differently in the mirror than you do in pictures?

How did "they" ascertatin the flavor of grape from what a grape really tastes or smells like?

Why can't you eat just one Lay's potato chip?

Why is it easier to ask forgiveness than ask permission?

To Public School or Home School....

I might not have a voice here since I don't have kids and only attended public school for two years because I went to a private school the other 10 but...

My view of children who are home schooled and the parents who home school are outcasts, social rejects or are incapable of dealing with the real world. I had a friend, my next door neighbor who was home schooled. She was home schooled because she was a Jehovah's Witness. If you don't know much about the Jehovah's Witness religion, some would liken it to a cult. Witnesses don't celebrate any holidays including their own birthdays, don't salute the flag, they don't take or give blood, if you marry someone outside of the Witness circle you are removed from the congregation and I don't think they are allowed in any other religious buildings other than their Kingdom Halls. I have known my friend for over 30 years and even now when I see her she asks if I want to have a Bible study and because I am not married she will inquire of my sex life, because premarital sex is a no-no as well. But you get the idea right? She was a little weird because of her religion so she was home schooled which in turn made her a bit of a social reject. She married at 18 years old to man in her congregation and then she had an extra marital affair with her father in law (not a witness) who was 40 years her senior. She later married him, had a kid who is also home schooled. She was kicked out of her congregation because of the affair but "studied" so she could return to it and also "turned" her husband onto the ways of the Witness religion. Beyond me, she has no friends or outside life that involves non-Witnesses. Never had a real job. I believe she makes crafts and cleans houses (not that either of those are any less important). My point is, if she had been left in a "real" school her circumstances would have possibly been different.

I have noticed that home schooling parents are odd birds to begin with ie. the Duggars. The mother almost always dons an outdated hairstyle. The dad is never cool or hip. There is an over crazed view of religion. The kids themselves look unkempt. But none of that matters, really. By the way, the last time I saw my friend, she had hair clips all over her hair. Those hair clips are not intended for women her age...she is older than I.

I support public schools 100%. The teachers are trained in education where they have earned their teaching certificate. Children in public schools learn to interact socially in a diverse setting. Structure and goals are set and met daily. Some pose the statement that public schools aren't safe. The safety that is spoken of usually refers to Columbine or any other school shooting. How man public schools are in the USA - 125,000? That would equal 2500 schools per state. Out of those 125,000 public schools how many Columbine incidents are you aware of? 10? 15? While I realize that one incident is far too many the ratio speaks for itself. No place is immune to anyone walking in and unloading bullets - banks, churches, convenience stores, homes, sidewalks have all seen their share of fatalities. Again, you can't protect someone from everything even when your best intentions are in place.

Home schooling to me seems like no schooling. It is the parent's job to teach values, morals and life's lessons. It is the public teachers job to teach reading, writing, arithmetic, history, physical education and some more life lessons.

If you home school there are no proms, no sports, no SGA elections, no Valedictorians, no senior class trip, no high school sweethearts, no awful cafeteria food and no chance for making life long friends beginning in the first grade. What girl doesn't want to attend her high school prom or be voted for homecoming queen? What boy doesn't dream of being the star athlete or being a voice of the SGA?

Yes, I rambled and I am proud of it.

Breast Health 2.0

I took extra care in prepping for my annual date with my gynecologist. My legs, armpits and other "important" areas were shaven and smooth, my toes were painted in OPI Red and I wore my nicest panties. Knowing that Dr. Helen doesn't really care about the extra effort but somehow hoping she appreciates it. After she got to first, second and third base she then destroyed the mood and suggested due to my age that I get a mammogram.

Two weeks later I am at the Breast Center getting my large breasts squeezed to the size of Texas toast. The exam itself doesn't hurt physically but it does hurt mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The nurse administering the exam had chilly hands and they were small. It took both of her little hands to lift my breast. It was utterly (pun intended) humiliating. After 15 minutes or so the exams were complete and I was on my way. Before departing the nurse said I should get a letter in a few days with the results of the exam. She did tell me sometimes they call you and if they do I shouldn't freak out.

Less than a week later I received a phone call from the Breast Center. There was something not normal in my right breast. I was scheduled to come back in for another mammogram and ultrasound. The ultrasound was just as humiliating and pride crushing as the mammograms. The conclusion was I had a cyst the size of a "milk dud" surrounded by some denser tissue. A biopsy was scheduled for the following week. Biopsy is a scary word. More so when the word is directed toward you.

In my family when there is any type of medical procedure scheduled, we roll in a posse. My mom, step-dad, grandmother, grandfather and grandfather and boyfriend were all in tow. We arrive at the Breast Center at 9:30 am. I had to have another mammogram before the biopsy (real fun) began. Ushered into another room, the lights were low and it looked kind of romantic except the large needle on the medical tray next to the gurney. I am instructed to lie down and a wedge is placed underneath my right side. Then I am told to lay my arm over my head. The wedge and my body placement is very uncomfortable. The nurse then exposes my breast and "scrubs" my entire right side. Naturally, I begin to cry because, again it is so humiliating. The nurse asks why I am so upset. I think to myself maybe its because you are scrubbing my boob with 10,000 grit sandpaper followed by an alcohol wash or maybe its because I am just lying here waiting for you to complete my beautiful breast and you aren't doing so. The radiologist of course, who turns out to be male comes in and says we are going to do a biopsy today but we are hoping the cyst aspirates upon contact. I felt a pinch which was a local anesthetic. Then a large needle was inserted and the cyst aspirated. A deeper tissue sample was not needed. The test was completed, I got a cute band aid followed by a cuter bruise. The fluid would be sent to pathology for further testing to determine if there any cancerous little guys in it.

The results are in. There seems to be no sign of malignancy but there is a presence of a papillary lesion. A consultation was set up with a surgeon and you guessed it, he was a male and suggested it be removed to avoid further issues down the road. The issue being a 5% chance it could turn cancerous and from that the turnover is very rapid. Like every other good surgeon in the practicing medical world he felt me up before delivering the news.

So ladies and yes, some of you men get your baseline mammograms when you turn 35, another in 3 years and then every year after 40. Yes, it is humiliating and they will try to squeeze every ounce of modesty out of you but love your breasts. Love them as you did when you first got them!

"I don't want to lose my breasts because they are fabulous." ~~ Samantha Jones

Hey Party People....

Have a good weekend!

I'll Have the Vagie Juvie...

The latest in plastic surgery is vaginal rejuvenation. You can have your "lower lips" contoured or have your vaginal opening "tightened" to be more aesthetic and more pleasurable (in my experience, I've never met a man who was really picky about what the pooty-poo looked liked). The procedure is not covered by insurance and the typical cost is around $9,000.00. In some cultures young girls are circumcised and the ritual female circumcision (clitoral cutting) has been under scrutiny for years and years as the circumcision offers no medical reasoning & typically the person performing the ritual is a family member (gags) and has, you got it, no medical training. "Hey Uncle Henry, I was thinking since you took that AG class in high school and you learned how to use a sautering iron you could give my private area some detailing. Mom & dad said it would be great if you would do it". (pukes)

So, we have young girls in other cultures screaming in agony as their family members force them to have their private parts mutilated & here in the good Ol' US of A we have women paying $9000.00 for some coochie ehancement? I don't get it.

But...

In a world where we can change hair color, eye color and plump up or deflate any part of our body it is nary a surprise there is now a pussy lift.

You Found Me How?

From time to time I'll check my Feedjit & see how folks stumbled to my blog because really I am a bevy of information and great knowledge. The past couple of days the top searches were these:

David Beckham blue suit
Pictures of Motley Crue 2011
911 Flag Raising
Bo & Luke Duke
Boobs and hootchie and poison
Fingernail torn off

You feel smarter now, right?

Never Forget

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.