Thursday, May 15, 2014

On Being a Step Mother

It is a thankless job, that of being a mother.  Even more thankless is being a step mother.  The work is never done.  There is always cooking, cleaning, homework, laundry, medicine, sports and school events to attend.  IT. NEVER. ENDS.

I do not have biological children.  I never wanted any honestly.  I have a commitment issue but I really freak out when I find out something is permanent. So you ask "how are you a step mother when that has potential to be permanent"?  To be frank, I fell in love with the children's dad.  I had no idea of just how hard it would be to be a part-time parent. Every and I mean EVERY fiber of my existence has been tested and taunted.

Being an only child was the first thing working against me.  I don't understand sharing, nagging or fighting with a  sibling. The other thing working against me is the kid's biological mom, we'll call her um, Crazy Train (no surprise) from here on out.  Let me give you an idea:

1. Crazy Train remarried within 2 weeks of divorcing. To me this is a co-dependent function - she can't be alone.

2. Crazy Train has had more jobs & moved more in 3 years than I have in the past decade. To me this is unstable.

3. Crazy Train been trying for 5 years to get a 2 year degree.  She's lied about her grades, being in an accelerated program and her acceptance into 3 nursing schools.  What is the point?  Don't you think someone will recognize you never graduated? 

4. Crazy Train shows severe favoritism to her daughters & not her son. 

5. Crazy Train has shared information with her ex-husband (my man friend) that he doesn't need to know such as: she is getting fake boobs, she can't keep her new husband off her, she has sex in the closet because the youngest child sleeps in the bed with them. 

6.  Crazy Train has allowed her children to be truant in their schooling.  True conversation she had with my man friend "I am not going to take the kids to the doctor every time they are sick, I am educated". The school's policy for absences is if a child misses, there has to be an excuse, as in a doctor's excuse, death or natural disaster. 

6.  One of the best lies Crazy Train has told her child --- let me set up the situation first: they had moved into a house.  There was minimal furniture & the kids were sleeping on cots & mattresses on the floor.  The move happened in December.  The kids slept this way for a few months.  I asked the oldest daughter when she was going to get her bed & the answer was this "Mom said that my bed is being specially made.  Like people are making it right now outside of the country". When she got her bed in June, it was a yard sale head & footboard purchased by her grandparents.

7. She told my man friend that her husband wouldn't allow her to be friends with me.  That I wasn't just being nice, that I was trying to get information.  Typically when people talk to another, information is given & received, right?

8. Crazy Train often brags about money.  "I'll pay for everything!" "I have $67,000 in the bank!"  I have "$6,000 in the bank!" "I am going to be in a car commercial & my boss said if I didn't do it he would fire me." 

9.  Crazy Train told my man friend that her new husband was going to become a pastor & she had to take classes to "learn to be a pastor's wife".  WTH?

10. Crazy Train and her family are moving again.  She told my man friend that the house they were living in was sold (it was a rental) & they had 30 days to get out.  So I investigated.  I was told the house wasn't for sale & the tenants had given notice this week. Who lied and why? 

11.  No internet.  Crazy Train has her 3 kids plus 2 step kids every other week in her home & let's not forget she is a nursing student --- how can they live without internet?  They all need it for school including her, right?  Oh wait...she said that the wire going into their house was bad & it was going to be repaired.  Oh wait, it takes 6 months to get it repaired, yeah, that sounds right.  So in the meantime, the oldest daughter uses her phone as a hot spot for the whole bunch.  We pay for the oldest daughter's phone & data package!

Look, I had a step dad.  He never lied to me.  Never mistreated my mother.  He was there for me when my real father wasn't.  I am not completely vanilla to what happens when your parents divorce & remarry.  My point is this...this crazy woman could have someone in her children's life that didn't care about them, cook for them, clean for them, spend money on them.  I am not trying to come out smelling like a rose here, not the intent,  but how is it that what I do is not good enough?  Do I give them to much?  Not enough?  At our  house, everyone kid has their own room, their own space.  Isn't that a little special?  They all have TV's, internet use. We take them out to dinner every week they are with us.  Crazy Train tells them it costs too much money to eat out, but she brags about how much she has in the bank.  Confused?  Join the crowd.

It is a very, very thankless job & I cannot wait to reap the rewards (if there are any).

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Let's Talk Sh*t

The subject of today's post is human excrement or in short: shit.  There are  many variations of the word:


All of the above can be referenced to how you are feeling, what something tastes like, what something smells like and the character of someone. 

There are many phrases as well relating to the act of defecating:

Taking a shit
Taking a dump
Laying a loaf
Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl
Pinching one off
Dropping a deuce
Laying a log
Seeing a man about a horse
Taking care of business
Turtle head
Dropping a Cleveland steamer

Why am I talking shit today you might ask?  If you're "regular" like me, pooping is part of your daily business.  Yes, I know, a lady shouldn't talk about such things but its a fact of life, right?  If it isn't a fact of your life you might want to see your doctor (constipation or irregularity is the source of many conflicts like divorce, world war).  

I have known people that actually take off their clothes to poop.  Are you one of those?  Are you a short pooper or a long pooper?  Do you anticipate those little chill bumps you get while doing your business?  Do you read?  Are you an in & outer?  Do you observe your waste before flushing?

There are things about your poop that can give insight to your health:  color (if your poop is black, not good), texture, buoyancy (if it floats, good fiber intake going on), scent (yes, sometimes poop doesn't smell which I guess gives way to reality that some people's shit really doesn't stink).

By all means, poop is gross (more gross when you use any of the lingo above) & the act of pooping probably gives people nightmares but I have to say...I look forward to doing business daily.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Crazy Town, Pop. 2

I share parental duties with my man friend.  He & I have his kids every other week for the full week.  So think 7 days on & 7 days off.  The little people move from one home to the other on Sunday evenings.  This week is our week. 

One of the little people plays city league football.  This little person, Cool Breeze, has practice 3 evenings a week & a game on Saturday.  This is the final week for the city league.  There has been days through out the season when Cool Breeze has wanted to quit & my man friend, his dad would not let him.  The lesson here was finish what you start, when you make a commitment to a team you keep the commitment.  This lesson has not been followed very well by Crazy Train, his mother. Last week Cool Breeze missed all 3 practices & his game.  When you miss a practice the player has to run laps.  Crazy Train said he wasn't going to run laps & she was going to set the coach straight.  Well, I took Cool Breeze to practice last night because my man friend had a late meeting but he would join as soon as it was over.  So Cool Breeze & I arrive at the football field at 5:30.  Cool Breeze says "that looks like mom & Black Tooth, the step dad" and it sure was.  The coach arrives, my man friend arrives & the residents of Crazy Town walk toward the coach.  Crazy Train tells the coach he is not going to run any laps & the coach says yes he is if he is a member of this team.  Crazy Train & Black Tooth ask Cool Breeze if he wants to quit & my man friend asks do you want to be a quitter?  Black Tooth says quitting doesn't make you a quitter.  Wait.  What?  Say that again...quitting doesn't maker you a quitter?  Well what the fuck does?

From my viewpoint ---- Crazy Town looked off her rocker while she was talking to the coach --- no make up, hair was frizzy & bleached, hollow eyed.  Black Tooth looked like a total douche bag in his track pants & this slimy, thin ring of hair around his mouth that he might call a goatee.  Both of them came looking for a confrontation & didn't get it. 

After the residents of Crazy Town tried to put on a show & set the coach straight ---- Cool Breeze ran his laps & didn't quit. 

Monday, October 28, 2013

Co-Parenting 101 or How Did I Get Here From There

I am a childless wonder navigating in a wonderful, um uh, mind numbing, wait a ahh, amazingly child filled world.  Somedays I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming when I am dealing with any of the 3 children that I share a home with every 7 days or 2 weeks a month or 26 weeks a year.  Why do I pinch and not slit my wrists?  Because blood is messy.  If I slit my wrists & took a moment to reflect, my OCD would go full throttle resulting in me cleaning myself, the house, pouring over Pinterest searching for the most ideal holiday mantle & then using the unfortunate event as an excuse to have a vodka cocktail.  Ok, ok, I don't really need an excuse to have a vodka cocktail.  Or to look at Pinterest.

Children aren't my favorite people.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like children.  So, how did I get here?  Talent?  Fate maybe?  I wasn't a bad child so I know it can't be punishment for any torment I caused my parents. 

I never really wanted children.  I had blips of a small family of my own in my 20's  & maybe even a time or two while I've been in my 30's but those spots on the radar screen would go away as soon as they arrived. Maybe because I had felt so saddled by my Cabbage Patch Kids. 

So here I, bonus mom'ing, master of mac 'n cheese & popcorn chicken, answering questions like "how do you make stars" & so many loads of laundry I've lost count.  Its definitely not for the squeamish because kids are nasty little creatures that somehow gain control of that little dark part of your heart you never want to give up.

Pinch me....

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