Hopeless Romantic

In our quest called life, each of us searches for something different or maybe we are all looking for the same thing. I suppose its the lucky few who find what they truly seek (over achievers). I've always said you can't have too much money and you can't be too skinny. If you have money you can buy skinny. If you are skinny, people want to give you money, well probably not, but a girl can dream. Both were my motto for years and now older and really none the wiser, I can't help to still believe a little of each are true. So, my search today focuses more on true love than anything. "And wuv, twu wuv will fowow you foweva. That dweam wifin a dweam. So tweasure your wuv."

My new favorite movie is P.S. I Love You. I imagine this will become one of those movies likened to Steel Magnolias and Pretty Woman(instant classics) - it will air on numerous TV channels (TNT, TBS, FX, A&E) on Saturday and Sunday. Repetitively, of course. The movie is uber gushing of hopeless romantic antics. I sob violently every time I watch it. Near the end of the movie a letter is read, narrated by the author of said letter in a darling Irish accent. The letter contains these sentiments ---

"....its to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me... And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life,... But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you."

*sigh*

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control."

*sigh*

Yes, I live in my own little world where the thought of a perfect love lingers. Perfect, precise and all mine. So I say this --- "Where the fuck are you?".

Where?

Do you ever observe a couple, of the man/woman coupling type, and feel a little jealous? Jealous because of the way he looks at her, holds the door for her, guides her by the small of her back, brushes the hair from her face, kisses her hands? I do and I feel it often. Then I think, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. He probably keeps her tied up in a closet in dirty sweat pants. However, these couples look damn good in the public eye.

But my point is - why must the visual of another spark some deep desire for something that I do not have? Where is my hand kisser? My back guider? The love of all loves? The one who adores me, dotes over me, loves me with every fiber of their being? The one who would die without me?

I've been dating since I was 15! I'm exhausted! Where is he?
---Charlotte York

Wednesday What?

I took the cue from That Girl from here

You wouldn't be caught dead where?: Rummaging through a discount bin at a yardsale or in white shoes after labor day.

Do you have any hidden talents?: Yes. I am a mind reader.

Name two things you consider yourself to be very good at: Cleaning and napping.

Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at: Making the first move and letting go.

Have you ever won a trophy?: Yes. Sports and academics.

Name one thing not many people know about you: That is why it is the ONE thing. Can't put it all on out on the table.

Name your earliest memory: Walking in my great-grandparents front yard in a green & orange plaid coat.

What was your favorite musical group in jr. high?: Bon Jovi!

What was something the worst roommate you ever had did?: Borrowed a Liz Claiborne bag and matching wallet from me and never gave it back.

When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?: Loretta Lynn (I know, I know)

What was your worst dating experience?: Any date that ended in a sleepover...

If you were about to die what would your last meal be?: No meal...just a strawberry pie my mom made.

Who is the most important person in you life?: I have more than one - but are important to me in very different ways. My mom & grandparents for one. And of course - that someone special for two (you know who you are).

If your house was on fire what 3 things would you grab on your way out?: My dogs, my hope chest and any other thing I could squeeze throught the front door before the flames got to me.t

When Rock n Roll Eyes Are Smiling

As I was ruling the world at my place of employment - I received a phone call from a customer letting me know he would be stopping in to make a quick purchase. I completed the necessary paperwork and waited for his arrival. My work station is near the front lobby so I can always hear the door open before I see who is coming in. As I looked up from my desk, my eyes widended, my mouth fell open & I fell out of my chair. My first thought was "he found me!" My second thought "where is my lipstick?" As I poked my head up over my desk what I saw was this - a man with black spikey rock n roll hair, that odd little flavor savor patch below his bottom lip, a black button-down shirt (resembles a mechanic's shirt), jeans, large wallet with the chain attached to his belt loop, some arm tats, sunglasses and black boots. Of course of all days for the drop in, I am found sick with some type of flu/cold bug so I wasn't looking my groupie best. The customer's name just happened to be Frank and what is Nikki Sixx's birth name? FRANK Ferrano. Coincidence?

While not the 6'3" man of my rock n roll dreams - he coulda done in a pinch. Oh how the rock god's have shone their favor down upon me.

Babies, Babies, Babies

At dinner Saturday, I was observing two small children. Both were boys with dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, dimples and well behaved. They were sitting like little men among the family enjoying their meal.

All of sudden I heard --- TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK --- I looked across the table and a friend of mine was grinning from ear to ear. Immediately in my defense I said, "whatever, I don't even like kids". Then he said "I can just see it now, you and your little girl both with your designer handbags"....

Why me? why me?

**Super Sigh**

As I made my bi-weekly pilgrimage to Wal-Mart early this morning, I found myself in the oddest moment ever. I was at the check out counter, the cashier greeted me good morning then asked me "are you a mom"? I said "no". She looked at me, turned her head slightly like a dog does when you speak to it. With her ears perked forward, she then said "really, you're not a mom"? I said "no, I'm not, well yes I am, actually I am the mother of four dogs". The mother of the year then said "I guess that counts. Happy Mother's Day". I felt mortified for not being a bearer of my own offspring. Stupid Wal-mart workers.

Oh, How I Love Thee

To be loved, one has to love their self first? What does that mean? Hold your own hand? Kiss your reflection in the mirror? Probably not. Does it mean having long and lingering dinners alone? Sending yourself roses for no reason at all? Probably not. Buying yourself ridiculousy exquisite handbags? Well, maybe. Nah, it's much more complex than that. It probably means being comfortable and happy with who you are - outwardly and inwardly - embracing all of those little weird acts of self indulgence that only you know about. Feeding our emotional, mental and spiritual needs daily.

Do you know anyone who loves their self fully and wholeheartedly? I don't, but, I still don't understand why you have to love yourself before anyone else can. I've been loved before and during those times of "befores" I am 100% sure I was not in love with or loving myself. Is loving our self only self involved or does it takes the goodness and loving acts of others to make the circle complete? Does it go without saying that loving our self is the most important relationship in our life? Like all relationships, it takes time, patience and an extra thick wallet and it will undoubtedly be worth every bit of effort in the end.

How do you love yourself?

One Word

In a book I am reading, there is a small portion that talks of choosing a word to define/sum up something. Example: New York = Achieve, Vodka = Pleasurable. As I read on, I pondered what word I would choose for myself. Sometime has passed since I've read from the page in the book and I still can't rightly decide what one word could define all that I am. Hungry popped into my head. No, not cheesecake hungry but hungry, eager for all that life has to offer. Hunger for love, a good life, happiness, wealth, wisdom, knowledge, closeness, forgiveness, losing hurt and most of all peace within myself.

What one word would you choose to define all that you are and all that wish you to become?

Sunday Stealing - The Green Meme

My first time to "steal" along...

1. What is your current obsession? Seasons past of Sex and the City.

2. What's a good coffee place? Personally, any Starbucks but the break room of where I work usually has a good crowd around 7 am.

3. Who was the last person you hugged? Danny.

4. Do you nap a lot? I like to nap on Saturday & Sunday between the hours of 1pm-4pm.

5. Tonight, what's for dinner? Dinner was "out" tonight - Outback Steak House.

6. What was the last thing you bought? Dinner - out.

7. What is your favorite weather? Super cold & rainy.

8. Tell us something about one blogger who will play this week. I am gonna go out way out on a limb and pick Rich...and the man loves an evening cocktail.

9. If you were given a free house that was full furnished, where in the world would you like it to be? Next to, in front of or behind my parent's home.

10. Name three things you could not live without. My mother, handbags, kisses on the forehead.

11. What would you like in your hands right now? Someone special.

12. What's one of your guilty pleasures? Nikki Sixx

13. What would you change or eliminate about yourself? Self doubt, believing I am the cause of so many problems.

14. As a child, what type of career did you want? Lawyer, truck driver, country music singer...I know, I know.

15. What are you missing right now? Someone special.

16. What are you currently reading? The Bitch in the House.

17. What do you fear the most? Hell.

18. What's the best movie you've seen recently? P.S. I Love You.

19. What's your favorite book from the past year? The Heroine Diaries & The Dirt

20. Is there still a comfort food from your childhood that you still enjoy? Hunts Chocolate Pudding Snack Packs & fried chicken.

Look What I Found

Early in the AM, I was trying to decipher a dream for a friend. As I was thumbing through my dream book, 1,001 Dreams, I found a piece of paper with this written on it:

My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived,
But I forget what is behind,
And I struggle for what is ahead.

Lord, help me to give to you those things I need to get over. Really give them to you, then let go and get over them today. Amen.

I had forgotten I had written this in a very low point in my life and tucked it away several years ago. Today I needed a little something and look what I have found....

Post - Do Over

Once upon a time in a life long ago, someone told me they admired me because I wasn't afraid of anything. Today, older but really none the wiser, I realize I am afraid. I am afraid of many things such as:

1. Spiders
2. Heights
3. Not being loved
4. Wearing white after Labor Day
5. Losing my teeth
6. Not getting into Heaven
7. Bad Chinese
8. Public speaking
9. My mother dying
10. Meeting Nikki Sixx and not knowing I have spinach in my teeth (actually anything other than his tongue would be a tragedy.)
11. Stone washed jeans returning to the world of fashion
12. Living my life without forgiveness for the people I have hurt or not being able to forgive the people who have hurt me

With age comes many things into our life and one of those things that is coming for me is the ability to be more careful and more insightful before I open my mouth, my heart or my hand.

Orignally posted - September '08 - Scaredy Cat

Gimme That Dollar

As I drug myself out of bed this morning at 4:45 am, I couldn't help but wonder who was I really getting out of bed for. That got me to thinking about money and how the majority of us chases that little green monster called the dollar which snowballs into chasing another and another. Some of us are lucky enough to catch one, others not so much. Usually by the time I have caught one it's already spent. I don't live above my means. My car and home are modest. I don't get regular mani/pedi's and it doesn't cost a fortune to get my hair done (not yet anyway). The only splurge I have is handbags. My former bag purchase routinely was two new glorious pieces a year. Last year I was able to eek out five fantastic couture handbags. In my mind that means I have arrived. I am no longer confined to hoarding mad cash, pacing back and forth in front of a glass case to not so eagerly hand it over to a woman wearing a starched black suit, in school marm shoes with a perfect coiffure. I can leisurely browse and then buy when the new season's styles roll in (in a fit of fury, of course). Crazy for some. Completely sane for others.

So who do I work for? Louis Vuitton? Kate Spade? Nah, I do it all for myself...

Little Nikki

As many of you may know I have a thing for rock stars. Well, just one really. Okay, maybe two or three but my heart and other body organs lies with just one. Black hair, tattoos, massive amounts of eyeliner, leather, chains and a jewelry collection that would make a man of God cry is my trend of rocker. As I've allowed myself to leave the world of Motley Crue just to dip my toes into the realm of other screamers, I've discovered Papa Roach. And what to my discovering eyes should appear? A vision in black with tattooed ears. The lead guy, Jacoby Shaddix, closely resembles Nikki Sixx. Surely I thought this some type of trickery, a back-up Nikki? It only gets better from there (sans his wife and kids). He is 18 years Nikki's junior which puts us in the same age box. Just look at his sweet little fingers - already tattooed with LOVE. Oh how the heaven's have shone down on me and now have lit the way. *sigh*

"Don't worry Nikki, I would never stray from you, you have my heart and I have your eyeliner"...

Tickety Tockety

The world turns regardless of any quandary in my life. Circular and floating she spins right on schedule. Would I really want the the world to stop and witness my life falling apart? Not even sure I would want it stop and watch it come together. Thus brings me to my thought today - a family member of mine (10 yrs younger than I) just found out today she is "expecting". While I should be happy for her (and I am) I can't help but feel innately jealous. I don't know why jealousy finds me as often as it does, but it rears its little green head more often than not. I have the same equipment as my cousin does but have chosen not to take it out of the box. In short, I've kept it hidden in my closet with my baseball card collection, circa 1992. The likeness between the two - the players no longer play the game and my uterus never got off the bench. So I make this statement to myself as I round third base and head toward home plate, - "Oh my, you are so not ready to have a child or oh yes, the time is now".

Ever notice the similarity between a uterus and home plate? Coincidence? I think not.

I Use To Be A Ms.'s

My cell phone rang, I answered it. On the other end of the line was my auntie. Dear, sweet auntie Dianne. She said she was just calling to tell me that she was wearing the dress that she wore to my wedding some years back. Why she deemed it necessary to do so I didn't ask but I thanked her gladly for calling and dredging up a painful memory. Not that I had to dig to far down to find it, but that is not the point. My mind allows me to think of my days of being a bride more than it should. It needs not a piece of clothing to sling me into fits of remembrance.

I was married roughly 3 years. I use the term roughly because I was "released" two weeks shy of my third wedding anniversary. Being "released" has been the gift that has kept on giving. It has kept on giving me sleepless nights, itchy fingers sifting through old photos and plenty of thoughts of what might have been. In case your wondering, I am no longer in love with former groom and no longer in awe with the idea of being a Ms.'s either. The former groom has moved on and if I am a favorite in the eye of God, is living miserably and uncomfortably with his new wife. I know I shouldn't wish dire unhappiness upon someone but I believe its warranted in this case due the fact that he sent me directly into a life filled further with self-doubt and self-hatred. I did learn to pick my own battles. I also learned that cooler heads prevail in any situation, but I would never dare say thank you to former groom for those gifts or would I?

"Thank you, thank you very much for all you have given to me".

Do I Have Plenty?

En route to a social function today I passed the Harley Davidson store. As soon as it was in site I thought of Uncle Steve, a biker of sorts. He is not necessarily today my uncle, as he and my mother's sister divorced many years back, but in my mind he will always be Uncle Steve. The thought of him threw me into thoughts of his mother, Ms. Miller, who passed away a couple of years ago in a car accident. As I thought of her passing I pondered Uncle Steve's ties to Alabama and how he doesn't really have any anymore. If I lived in Maine and my mother passed away (whom still lives in the deep south) I would never pass this way again. Once more I thought of Ms. Miller. She had three children, 7 grand kids and possibly as many great grand kids. The reason for the wonderment was did she live/have a full life because of her family? As I thought about this longer than I should, I wondered if my life was going to be lackluster in the end because I didn't spread my proverbial seed. My stand on having children teeters between having none and having one, maybe two (the old fashioned way).

While at my social soiree, a couple had brought their children. One of the kids was a 13 month old girl. Too cute for words really. I held this little human, shared crackers (that she thought I also needed to eat, so we both had crackers all over our face), fed her a jar of pears, oooh'd and aahhh'd as she cooed while being tickled and swung onto my hip like a spider monkey. In doing all of this I thought of the hyporcrite I really am. If someone asks me why I don't have kids, I simply say "I don't like them" or "ack, I mow my own grass", but if you had seen me in motion with munchin in question, you would have thought that little girl was mine. Is that wrong?

I wonder if I never have children, will I have plenty in my life?

Tolerance

Yesterday I thought indifference was the worst thing in a relationship. Today I think it's tolerance. What makes one person lose their cool may keep another at bay. I'd say I am very tolerant. Tolerant of many things such as bad hair days, Nikki Sixx & Kat Von D's relationship, the evening news - and many people - Wal-Mart employees, bad drivers and Kat Von D. Will there come a time in my life when I say "enough is enough", when my tolerant stand becomes limited?

Is tolerance a good trait to have? The verdict is still out.

Me Thinks - More Random Thoughts & Ideas

Alas, the mind needs to go awry and the fingers must jolt into action...

Is there just ONE for every someone?

Why does it take so long to find that ONE?

Does happily ever after really exist?

Were the Allman Brothers stoned when they wrote Melissa?

Who determined red was a power color?

Why is the mullet called a mullet, why not a grouper? (the haircut, not the fish)

Why did Eve have to eat that stupid apple? (stupid girl, stupid head, I hate apples)

Always waiting for tomorrow, why can't it happen today?

Will "big hair" return? For those who do not understand history are destined to repeat it?


Light, inhale, roll the flavor, exhale...ahhhhhh.

Life Begins Anew

Today in a cold examining room I pillaged through a candy bowl chocked fill of mini Snicker and Twix chocolates. Next to the bowl was a short stack of books. I quickly scanned the titles and chose a book titled The Meaning of Life by Bradley Trevor Greive. The book, small and green, was filled with silly pictures of animals with great inspiration written beneath each picture. As I began to read through the book, not yet inspired, discovered the book offered "punches" to help you begin the life you have so sought. The very one that you put on the back burner. As I continued to read my chest puffed up a little and my hunched over position became a little taller and thought I can surely put into motion what I really want to do. Then I happened across a page with this question --What do you truly love? -- I couldn't answer the question. Assuming the answer is different for everyone and deeper than a new handbag or John Stamos' hair, I felt lost. Another kuwinkidink about finding this book was that someone just recently made this comment to me and I quote "it seems like I am always waiting for my life to begin". What do you say to that? When does our life begin? At our first breath or is it when we discover that every second that ticks away brings us closer to our unavoidable fate and then realize this is OUR life, it's gonna roll by pretty quick, so do what you love, love what you do, if you know what that love is?

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose". - Robert Byrne

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet". -- Emily Dickinson

"Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours"? --- Roy H. Williams

"He who has nothing to die for has nothing to live for". ---- Morrocan Proverb

Words

The English dictionary is full of fun words that I rarely use. Either the definition doesn't fit the situation or I have forgotten the word all together. One word that I rarely use but is fun to say because of the pronunciation is indicative [in-dik-uh-tiv]. When this word rolls of my tongue, I must say I feel quite educated even though its not really an educated word. Another word is miff(mĭf) or miffed. I actually used this particular word this morning due to a co-worker assuming because I didn't watch the news I couldn't carry on a conversation about a current event involving NFL players and a boat - der der der, I thought as I strapped on my pink safety helmet.

Medicinal [muh-dis-uh-nl] is a very good term when you are attempting to explain the gallon of vodka seat belted in your back seat, use of it even makes you sound smarter than you really are. However, trying to say medicinal while inoxicated may sound something like "maydidinkul".

Finally that brings me to googootz [guh-goo-tz], slang Italian term of endearment meaning zucchini and gabbagool [gah-bah-goo-uhl], which is guido speak for dried capicola -- "Hey Vito, you fat googootz, did you eat my gabbagool?".

Broaden your literary loquaciousness and use some new words!