Examine This

"An unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates

A college instructor pitched this quote to me. Karl Eulenstein was the name and making students his prodigies was his game. He threw it at me circa 1993'ish (before the convenience of Google) and said to me "who said it and explain the meaning". I immediately gave our senior librarian (Google back in the day) a $5 bill and begged "please, for the love of God, help me"! Our librarian had a very close resemblance to Don King, not quite as boisterous, possibly gay and he gave me back my $5 bucks even after he did the footwork. As I was sharing my find with Mr. Eulenstein and offering to him what I thought the quote meant, pleased, he then threw at me what are the two most important things in life? How easy I thought this to be - I "immediately offered family and God", "love and God"? He countered "come on Kim, you can do better than that". I never got that little project right by my own accord - he said the two most important things in life were power and wisdom. Now, a decade and a half later, I understand better of what importance each are.

What does the Socrates quote say? I believe it says you have to live your life by trying new things, all things. Things that are normal, scary, hard, easy, crazy, straight and over the top. To choose our destinations and make those difficult choices. If we set back and watch the world pass, afraid to get our feet wet or not jumping in, worrying what the outcome may or may not be, we'll never be fulfilled therefore in the eyes of Socrates, our life was not worth living.

Go examine yourself, your life...just do it.

For the Love of the Bag

Tonight I was having dinner with a wonderfully honest person. As we carried on about our current relationships, he divulged to me that his lover was going to have a Botox procedure done. Naturally I inquired of the cost and the most amazing words came from my friend's mouth - "you don't need Botox, you don't have one wrinkle on your face, really you don't have one". As I rose a bit higher in my seat, I adjusted my "girls" and thought this very comment deserves some type of purchase. My thought process of what to purchase did not fade or hasten because I had just received the latest catalog from one of my favorite fashion merchandisers. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew exactly where it was. Time was running out for the evening so I quickly dashed into the department store. I walked to a very clean glass case and pointed to item of desire. As the associate placed it into my hand I read her name tag - "Helen" - what a beautiful name and she spoke in a foreign tongue, possibly Russian. I coddled the item in my hands and I was enamored by the scent of leather all around me. My feet rose from the tiled floor and I felt forever in love. Helen directed me to her counter and I quickly paid for my large hobo pebble grain leather Dooney & Bourke bag. It is crimson red with a rich brown trim, the strap short and fits oh so comfortabley and favors a horse bridle. Helen placed my new child into a dust bag and then handed it off to me. As I turned to walk away she said that she could tell I was special and then uttered "zee bag makes uh da ladee".

Another Morsel

Life is not fair, life is not free. But it all seems a little less harsh when we are truly happy.

Ode to Jenny

For my 30ish something birthday this past December, my friend Jenny, gave me a gift. The gift I received from her hand to my back porch was a book titled Eat, Pray, Love. The book has now been in my possession since mid December. Unopened and unread before now, tonight I turned the first page. As I embark through this literary journey I will keep your very situation along with mine in the forefront. As I feel I am going to relive most of my painful past caused by failed relationships and other situations to dark to recount here, I too, will ponder yours. Thank you Jenny for all you have been. I wish you healing and hope like you have never imagined. Because "its not waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"...I love you.

Who Knew?

Days come and go. Weeks pass. Years, too, soon fly by. Where do all the moments go? And seconds? One, including myself has to wonder if these increments of time ever existed at all. Would it be cool to watch an instant replay of our life and to only highlight the important events? A condensed version which also includes our mistakes? Who wants to watch us make our mistakes? Our enemies? Maybe our step-mothers who we hate dearly in return? Is life to short to hate anyone? I once received a fortune in one of those delectable crispy cookies you receive after eating a less fortunate Chinese buffet. It read "no one is important enough to make you angry". I've held on to that piece of paper for 4 years just waiting for the right moment to reach down inside of me and bring it to the top. But I, being of sound mind and body, do tend to let that very thing happen daily. I get angry at/with people and I get angry often. An important person in my life recently received this fortune "all of your answers are right in front of you". I thought, how consequential, since I were sitting in front of them. I thought of the responsibility this little piece of paper had bestowed upon me. What could I do to bring this to fruition? Is it fate? Destiny? Coincidence? All of the above? Life has a funny way of bringing people together or tearing them apart. Things happen. People happen. I only hope that I can be exactly what life has predetermined of me because I believe IT knows best.

Something To Blog About

There comes a time in everyone's life when they are faced with a "do or die" situation. That is do it or die, not do it or dye it. Sometimes the same situation is called piss or get off the pot, sink or swim or it's now or never. So extreme don't you think? Never any middle ground to be found in a 36 mile radius. So what predicament would require such a quick action? Hmmm, how about using the men's room when the women's is full or vice versa? When you gotta, you gotta right?
Or how about muttering those three little words to see where you stand in a relationship regardless of the response? How about saying the other three little words to get out of the very relationship you wanted in? It's all so stupid and it's a very expensive game and my bank account is nearly overdrawn.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom".

Fate As It Is

A friend and I were discussing our present lives this morning. Highlighting some important issues at hand she offered me a savory little morsel that I couldn't dare pass up, she said "fate is a bitch". After consuming said item, I realized she couldn't be more right. The definition of fate is below:


Fate
noun, verb, fat⋅ed, fat⋅ing.
–noun

1. something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune;

2. the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is
presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events;

3. that which is inevitably predetermined;

4. a prophetic declaration of what must be;

5. death, destruction, or ruin.

One never knows what is lying in wait for them but when it jumps up and slaps you in the face what do you with it? Fight it or apply ointment to then affected area?

Sing Along Time

Sometimes in life you hear a verse from a song and it might be right for the moment or it might just sweep you back to a memory you have tried to forget. I was sitting at my desk this morning and I heard:

Easy by the Commodores

'Know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain,
Girl, I'm leavin' you tomorrow,
Seems to me girl you know I've done all I can,
You see I've beg, stole and I've borrowed.

Verse is very fitting for right now. Then I pondered some other verses that might fit as well:

Foolish Heart by Steve Perry

Feelin that feelin again
Playin a game I can't win
Love's knockin on the door
Of my heart once more
Think I'll let her in
Before I begin

Scars by Papa Roach

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand

And then I thought, "who the fuck comes up with this stuff?"

Writer's Blawg

Stardate - 01/25/2009

Some days I wonder how I made it out of bed on other days. Is that wrong? Is it right? Probably a little of both. Wrong as in I shouldn't live in the past. Right as in it keeps me thinking. So basically it's just thinking about the past. Most people tend to get ahead or not make as many mistakes by thinking. Turns out to be just the opposite for me. No thinking allowed here. Let me jump right in and I'll deal with the consequences later. Never works out if you are wondering. Either the cut doesn't work for my face shape, 12 is a really high number when you are doing shots of peppermint schnapps or that sweet little boy wasn't really all that sweet. I can't say that its been all bad but I tend to relive the bad moments more so than the good. I'd like to throw frozen packs of sausage at positive people just to see how they can turn it into a life affirming situation but then I'd just feel like an idiot. I'd like to pray for a break but I don't think you are supposed to pray for things such as that. I remember praying for my first pair of Tretorns. I just knew if I got them I'd rule the world. Well, the Tretorns finally showed up but there was no world ruling going on because then I prayed for skinniness. Always wanting more and never satisfied with what I had. Turns out to be my life story...

Scuh-Reem

Someone once told me about primal scream therapy. I decided to give it a shot. I walked into my closet and shut the door. I grabbed my hanging clothes and screamed into them thinking my shrieking might be muffled just a bit from the nearby neighbors. I felt no relief. Method says the louder the better. I gave it one final try. Nope, no immediate relief here. Now I have a sore throat and all 4 of my dogs are puttering around with earplugs. I pondered all the different types of therapy. Electro-shock therapy, probably not going to work out for me. Hypnosis, too skeptical. Frontal lobotomy, too evasive. Group therapy, umm, no. After my small amount of research, I'm thinking good old fashioned alcohol will be the ticket. I understand that a night with the bottle is just that, a night, unless you indulge too much and it still follows you around the next day. I realize my problems will still be around after my one night stand but can you really put a price on kicking at air or mentally kicking the ass of whatever is troubling you all over town? I think not. Cheers.

Random Words

Sometimes a restless minds comes into play. Usually it shows up when some rest or sleep is really needed. Tonight is one of those times. With that said, here are some of the things running around the playground upstairs...

Why does there have to be change?
Does anyone really change?
Is change good?
Does true love really exist?
Skinny people should be force fed pre-packaged cake icing
Were the 80's really so bad?
I don't know what to do with my hands
Is Chelsea Handler really 33?
Will I be a good mother?
Will I die alone?
Define: "having it all"
Walk, walk, walk, walk
Can I make anything last beyond 5 years?
I wonder if anyone found my promise ring?
Clean base boards
Gracie needs a bath
Go see your dad
Send thank you notes
I have so many books to read
Can you be trusted?
Will you be anything but mine?

"Now I lay me down to sleep....zzzzzzzzzzzzz".

Fine Line

Ever wonder how we get ourselves into certain situations? Situations such as car accidents, jobs we hate or various relationships? Why are somethings so hard to leave when other things are so very easy to get into? Or why somethings we can put right behind us and other things we think about every day, every minute? Always struggling, pushing, pulling, clawing and scratching our way to the top to get something we want only to discover to upon arrival it was nowhere near what we thought it would be. How much pain and disappointment does one have to endure in their life to eventually get something that was worth the hurt? From experience, I will say mountains and I am so fucking tired of he pain, the climbing and not knowing what any outcome will be and I haven't even left the trauma ward. I will say officially that nothing in this life will come free and most definitely nothing will ever be fair. So does it go without saying that life, my life, your life, our life is a beautiful struggle? Beautiful, maybe. Struggle, without a doubt. Both are a fine line and I see that fine line slowly being erased.


"I've had to fight like hell and fighting like hell has made me who I am".
-John Arbuthnot

No Title

Lately I've been pondering the relationships of people I am surrounded by every day. Family, friends, lovers, co-workers and even the Fed Ex delivery guy. Obviously our family is our family just because that is the way is. We didn't choose them nor did they choose us. Sometimes I find this fact a blessing other times I realize it is a curse. As for the other people in my life, excluding the Fed Ex guy, I have chosen them of my own accord. Now, what makes us choose certain individuals to become intertwined in our lives? Could it be common hair or eye color? Their laugh? The way they walk or talk? Because they understand the relationship of mayonnaise with field peas? Or maybe it is simply because they get giddy right along with you when you hear the phrase "Wonder Twin power, activate!". Whatever the cause may be sometimes your choice is dead on, other times not. They may hold your hand through a crisis or slap you right back into reality. Whatever the reason, many people of different shapes, colors and attitudes will come into our lives and sometimes they will leave just as quickly as they came. What we choose to do with them once they have landed is entirely up to us.

The Randomness Of It All

Do you ever reflect upon your life? If you say no 1. You are lying to yourself or
2. You are lying to me. Either way, you're a liar.

Who knows what might ignite a fit of reflection. It could be witnessing an elderly couple in love after so many year, a night's dream or purely a single feeling that just eats away at you. After much reflecting of my own self, I decided there comes a time in all our lives when we are faced with a choice. The choice at hand could be life altering or simply choosing between a hamburger or cheeseburger Happy Meal. In making your Happy Meal choice you at least get a surprise based on your gender. Making a life altering choice may lead to more than one surprise including but not limited to your gender. Today finds me at a crossroad and it is not based upon cheese and meat. It is much more complex than that. My crossroad is about true happiness and self fulfillment. I've never been one to look into myself so all of this soul searching and self discovery is pretty new to me. And needless to say, it is hardwork. I will not take for granted that the salary due to me in the end will be worth every tear I cry and every heartbreak I endure.

Wanting More

Today it dawned on me that when we get what we sought the tables turn and its no longer what we want. Is that because the rules of the game change? Because we change? Or because when we got what we wanted, the "got" changed? I've always said everything worth having is worth the fight regardless of how hard or how lengthy. Isn't that how races are won and championships are gained by fighting and some strategy? Do we become discontented because of temptation? Because we have so many choices? Just when we are on the brink of happiness we fall off and the fall sometimes good, sometimes bad, puts us right back at the beginning of a long road. All I can say is thank goodness for memories good or bad because they can truly drive us right to where we need to be.

You Push, I'll Pull, No Wait...

A friend and I were discussing relationship highs, lows, fits of craziness and the throes of passion. As our talk continued we began to make light of the craziness. We then discovered how interesting it would be for two bi polar people to be involved in an intimate relationship. The scenario was something like this...

"Get off of me, get under me. Leave, no, stay. *Slap, you deserved that, no you didn't. You're stupid, no your wonderful. I hate you, I love you. Let me drown, save me. You're insane, no, you're level headed. I like black, you are black. *Kick, I didn't mean that, come here. Call me, don't call me. I hope you leave and never come back, please don't leave me. I want to wear your skin like a birthday suit, I hate suits. I want you, who are you? I hate sushi, I love fish. You don't need to drink, who drank all my vodka? Kiss me, keep your tongue out of my mouth. Lets take a vacation, I'm not going anwhere with you."

Without some mania in the world, it would be flat and boring. Crazy people need love too.

Happy Birthday!

On this day 50 years ago your sweet little cries entered the world. Now, 50 years later, we are still listening to your cries. May today bring you all the peace you have sought and may the next 50 years be even better.

Happy Birthday Nikki Sixx!

This Post Will Self Destruct....

How much faith do we put in the finding of our inner peace? Or do we find inner peace putting all our cards on the table for faith?

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if we could just put on a little lipstick on the inside just as we do outside to show the world we are completely pulled together? The thing about our inner conflicts is that it is only our self that can see and feel them. No one will ever know of the struggle until we confess it. I guess the journey of finding inner peace would begin with learning how to forgive. The process of forgiving to me hinders on one thing: how do you forgive when you can’t forget? Call me an elephant, a grudge holder or any other label that has to do with not forgetting. When someone has wronged me I will remember and relive the situation in question over and over. Aren’t we supposed to harness the good and let go of the bad? Don’t get me wrong, not all of my innards are a ticker tape of the bad stuff. Every now and then a reflection of good and right will show up.

The self help section of any book store will offer one thousand titles per one conflict to gain your inner peace. One book suggested writing a letter telling of the hurt and hate you might have and sending it to a random address. Um, that little exercise had no positive response for any closure I was seeking. Purging (out with the old, in with the new) hasn’t necessarily worked for me either. So what will it take? Sitting in the foothills of the Himalayans, praying to a little fat man? Watching Benny Hinn heal everyone in the audience with far greater physical afflictions but me who chose to stay seated for fear of being embarrassed?

Whatever it may take, I will gladly accept the mission.

Misery Loves Company

I've noticed I only blog when something isn't right. Only a few posts have positive content. To few in too many if you ask me. Even posts involving the secret love of my life -- Nikki Sixx -- offers negative tokens. I understand the need to celebrate and share milestone events such as job retirement, decade passing or arriving of birthdays, marital anniversaries but what about the small things? A small thing might be sucessfully making it one full week with no alcohol use, not checking your email in-box 52 times a day or breaking the nasty habit of biting your nails. Those little happenings are rarely celebrated. I am not saying that we celebrate the negative either. What I'm saying is we tend to open the flood gates when something isn't going our way and we like for the world to know it. Irritating co-workers, dogs who chew everything in their path, gas prices, heartache or a bad haircut. We'll talk about it and talk about it to any one who will turn an open ear. There is just something about beating a dead horse.

So, does it go without saying that we only shout from the roof tops when our lives are on the verge of something awful?

Depressing, yes? Reality, absolutely.

Easy Schmeasy

I’ve touched briefly in recent words how the easy things in life don’t come easy. Whether it is leaving a toxic relationship, beginning a new one or trying to find the PSI for your tires. Just when you think you couldn't ever want more you do. You get a little bit more and the need for something bigger and better is almost insatiable. The more we have the more we feel like we lack. Why is this? Why does contentment have to feel like a four letter word? And better yet, does satisfaction exist at all?

This isn’t necessarily regarding the luck of having Target or Wal-Mart within a 2 mile radius of your home. It is more about not wanting what we have emotionally, spiritually, mentally and vice versa. Everything, relationship oriented, tends to be a struggle in its entirety. We have disappointed parents because their expectations, ever how small or large, were not met, disgruntled employees because promotions or bonuses were not given and lovelorn couples expecting the unobtainable from their mate. It is no secret we have to fight, scratch and claw to get just to catch a glimmer of happiness or fulfillment in our lives. Reaching and rising might just equal stretching and falling. I wonder if the need for understanding, perfect companionship and light hearts is the same for drug abusers? We try it, we like it and the need for the like increases until enough is never enough but sometimes too much?

Everything carries a price. I wonder what the final cost of true happiness could be?