Typical

Why does everything have to be a struggle and why does being in love feel so shitty and lonely at times? Is that part of taking the good with the bad? If so, you can keep all of it.

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Leona Lewis ~~ Better In Time

Random Thoughts 8

Out of 163 posts, I only have 8 posts that are random thoughts of gibberish. (ok, that is a little white lie, all the posts are gibberish and some of the gibbering is premeditated)

What is worse? Living with someone you don't love or loving someone you don't live with?

Why is IT called a "crush"?

Why do men say they prefer women with meat on their bones? Is it to heighten the chances of getting laid while in the presence of a meaty gal because slim has met pickin's? Example: Posters. No one has a poster on their wall, in their locker of a chunky Delta Burke, a bottom heavy Rachael Ray or a fluffy Anna Nicole Smith.

Random thoughts are time consuming & at points, like when in the shower or eating sauerkraut, are also overwhelming. Stupid random thoughts.

Random Thoughts 7

Trampolines will kill you.

Why does bad news travel in three's?

What is a lost highway? What makes it lost? Is it a mental highway? An emotional highway? Is it a metaphor for a dry spell in your sex life?

Ever notice, lets say, you and someone are talking about something random like an old movie such as Cannonball Run or the definition of googootz then a couple of days later you see the movie is playing on TNT and someone asks you if you ever eaten googootz. You haven't thought about the subject in question in years, you talk about it and then it shows up in another coversation, on TV or in your front yard.

How powerful is the power of suggestion?

Man Candy Monday

Yes, he is Italian. Yes, he loves his mother. Yes, he was a Calvin Klein underwear model. Yes, he drives a Cadillac. But most importantly - Antonio Sabato, Jr. has dimples.

Eat it up.

Two Fer Tuesday

This is what we call a "money shot".




And this.

Let's see your "money shot".

Monday Man-Candy

"Absufuckinglutely".

No, No, No.

Random Thoughts 5

Actually, this is not random thoughts, it is more random actions. Not even random actions - only one random action.

Today, I threw away all of my wedding lingerie. ALL. Not one scantily clad, tangible memory remains of that night or the honeymoon week (that is a lie, but no under garments remain). Their new home will be the county garbage dump. I have no idea of why I held onto the frilly, romantic & naughty little pieces but I did. The clue I should have caught is for the past 5 years the see through, lacy & stringy pieces rested right next to a 40caliber Smith & Wesson handgun. Probably not the true meaning of " all is fair in love and war" but just maybe the idea is all the same.

This Old Thing?

I was doing a bit of late summer cleaning involving my closet and look what I found...



Why I haven't worn this in ages.

I had forgotten that I had locked up and chained down this piece of meat. Don't worry ladies, Ryan Reynolds is a classic accessory. He can be worn season after season.

Take From It What You Will

So if you're pissed like me
Bitches, here's what you gotta do
Put your middle fingers up in the air
Go on and say "Fuck you"
~~ Theory of a Deadman - I Hate My Life

And you can get free refills on this when ever you like.

100th Post - Revisted

Everyone does it...so I am following suit. I did not celebrate my 100th blog post, so I decided to re-visit it, re-post it and break out the Le Veuve Clicquot. Cheers my little darlings, drink it up.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Dear Me

A letter to 15 year old me from my 32 year old self.

Dear Me,

The year is 2008 and it has been a busy year. Presidential elections are up in November. Gas prices are at an all time high and the economy is poor. However, none of that is really important to you. I wanted to get in touch with you and give you some of the ole’ “if I knew then what I know advice”. I’ll start with family is important. Enjoy the meals at the dinner table with our parents. Take that trip to Mobile with Papa by yourself. Visit our grandparents when they are sick. Keep in touch with our cousins after you think you’ve outgrown each other. Take our time when it comes to the boys. Heartache is right around the corner and comes sooner than you think. We’ll love and lose and finally we will love and win but its not Nikki Sixx waiting for us in the winner’s circle. All that time we spend alone now, we’ll enjoy later, too. Don’t mess around our junior year in high school. Mom is not going to let us go back to our old school no matter how badly we try to fail in the new one. Try all of the new hair styles and start flossing now. The world will come at us hard sometimes but just get up, dust ourself off and get back in the game. Remember anything worth having is worth fighting and working for. We are going to experience some amazing things and get somethings we surely didn't deserve. You are a good person and know that everything you endure now will make you stronger later. Keep reaching and keep rising.

In our best interest,

Me

Sing Along Time

Just for you.

You know who you are & you know why.

My New Motto

Drama for Life

I ask myself "how can one person have so much drama at this late stage in life?" Will it ever, by it I mean me, be normal?

Help me Jesus. Help me Tom Cruise. Help me Oprah Winfrey.

Apples & Rocking Chairs

I came home from work Thursday and found in my mailbox an invitation to a wedding reception from a friend. My friend is getting married in Oahu, Hawaii and is having an informal reception back "home". Instead of feeling happy, I felt sad for myself. Sad because my name wasn't on the invitation announcing my soon to be joyous union with another. Sad because it is not I who will be sending out thank you notes for all the gifts received in honor of the delightful occasion. Sad because it will not be myself and another figuring out what to do with hundreds of leftover white napkins with foil letters on them. Sad because it will not be me returning a Noritake Chandon Platinum soup tourine because we were accidentally given two of them. Because it is not ME.

Some of you know that I have already walked down the blissful aisle covered in rose petals only to find myself dredging through a swamp of tears and hurt three years later. Five years later than that I find myself drowning in the same swamp wondering what happened and where it all went wrong. No answers and no closure.

I sold my wedding band last year to a stranger for $45.00. As I examined the gold, platinum and diamond circle of eternal love before placing it in the stranger's hand, I thought the exchange of memory for cash would signify something and that something that never came. My wedding dress hangs in my closet, in a home I share with another man. I can't let it go. Not yet. Not today.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever dig out of the hole my ex-husband buried me in. A hole that stings, pinches and suffocates me from time to time.

*Note* The title of this post has nothing to do with the contents.

**Waiting**

For the love of Pete, would you please hurry your hot dirty rocker ass up? I can't hold this position forever, dinner is ready and I ran out of black eyeliner.

¡Apure por favor!

No Title 2

Sometime a song can say what you're feeling & sometime's a song is all you need....

Wasted Time
~~ The Eagles

Well baby, there you stand
With your little head, down in your hand
Oh, my god, you can't believe it's happening
Again
Your baby's gone, and you're all alone
And it looks like the end.

And you're back out on the street.
And you're tryin' to remember.
How will you start it over?
You don't know what became.
You don't care much for a stranger's touch,
But you can't hold your man.

You never thought you'd be alone this far
Down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time

The autumn leaves have got you thinking
About the first time that you fell
You didn't love the boy too much, no, no
You just loved the boy to well, farewell
So you live from day to day, and you dream
About tomorrow, oh.
And the hours go by like minutes
And the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to
Make them go away
And I could have done so many things, baby
If I could only stop my mind from wondrin' what
I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time

Ooh, another love has come and gone
Ooh, and the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
'sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone.
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can
Get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find , that it wasn't really
Wasted time

Self-Economics

Ec⋅o⋅nom⋅ics [ek-uh-nom-iks, ee-kuh-]
–noun 1. (used with a singular verb) the science that deals with the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services, or the material welfare of humankind.

Self-worth [self-wurth]
–noun the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

We are all worth something whether we want to believe it or not. Some of us might be worth more on paper, some by what we have hidden under a matress and some by our inner workings. In today's poor economy, what is your self-worth?

Tears in My Beer

Today I had lunch with my family at my grandparent's home. After lunch, the men hang out in front of the TV and take naps and the ladies take to the front porch to rock and swing. In the middle of our rocking and swinging my grandmother looks at me and says "I just realized who you remind me of, Aunt Jessie". "She had black hair and was short, squatty and fat". I have not much of an idea who Aunt Jessie was, all I could say was "I hope she was pretty". Her response, "she wasn't a bad looking woman". Uh, ok. Then sometime later she says "you have an Italian nose". Uhhh, ok. I am an overly sensitive person. Have been all my life. It was all I could do not to roll away crying. No my grandmother wasn't over or under medicated and she is not going senile. I can only surmise that when you reach a certain age you can say whatever to whoever you want. Also in my summation, I realize when my feelings get hurt it doesn't make me want to rise above the comment and find the better me. Instead I want to retreat into a place that is dark and alone. I've always said I like my own company better than anyone else's and this might be the reason why. I don't need constant reminders of my shortcomings ie. too fat, too selfish, take too many naps, have too many freckles, my non-Italian heritage, liking of expensive things and that I will eat ketchup on the finest steak in town. I'm a realist, none of us are perfect but isn't that for our own judging if we should be judged at all?

I think I'll I go sit in my closet and have a cocktail now.

The Eye of the Beholder

When you see this image what emotion does it trigger? Pride? Ignorance? Heritage? Hate? Misunderstanding? Dueling banjos? Or something all together different?

Random Thoughts 6

If I have no children but everything else I desire will I be happy, satisfied or just content? I am pretty sure I don't feel incomplete due to not having any but does society really dictate for women that children & marriage are a way of saying "I have arrived"?

Are having children really a way of staying young forever?

What will I die from? Will I die alone?

Why?

Who Is That?

I am a HUGE fan of Post Secret. I literally salivate every Sunday morning when I'm getting my full dose of Sunday Secrets. I bought one of the Post Secret books today. As I was flipping through, I came across a secret on page 265. The secret reads "I still wonder what life would be like if I'd just had the courage to tell her...we haven't spoken in 5 years and I'm happily married". The secret features a picture of a girl. Without a doubt - without a single doubt - the girl is me. I've asked several people if they think the picture is me and the answer is "yes". I did not submit the secret but I can't help think about who might have. I have tried to remember what, when or how this picture was taken. I have no idea whom I haven't spoken to in 5 years. I am not flattered, upset or bewildered. Okay, maybe a bit bewildered. I've had the book in possession for 8 hours and I am fully consumed with the secret.

What would you think or do?

The Blogger's Couch

Blogging is a way to express ourselves. We can say what we want to say. Vent, scream or even show vast amounts of love for the most mundane things. Post whatever pictures we like. Conduct polls of useless criteria. We find new friends, form bonds as we blog about elbow macaroni, BBQ grills, bacon, cheap dirty sex, dog poo and all sorts of emotional needs. We all have an open door policy & will see you at any given time, no appointment needed. We create our own safe little corner in the big old bad intraworldwideweburnet. So we all agree blogging is cheaper than therapy but does it really work? Do you feel better after you read something someone has shared with the world? Do you feel relieved when you share something someone else reads from the world? Does your heart race when you see your comment number rising? Does it make you smile, smirk or reach for that bottle of vodka?

*note* reaching for vodka does not mean you are in a depressed state of mind so reach farther

Singing & holding a candle - "I'd like to write the world a blog and keep it company...that's the word I write".

Random Thoughts 5

Feeling lonely(no surprise) on a Tuesday evening and as a million things ran through my mind I thought:

Why do people cheat? Is it the thrill of the hunt? The excitement of the find? Why not free our self of one thing before we try on another thing? Do we cheat to fill a void, searching for the famous greener grass? No one ever thinks "that grass still has to be cared for" before they cross to the other side. Guess what? That greener grass is just as needy as the grass you just stepped away from.

What inspires one doesn't always inspire another. I think money moves us all but what about the ones who are moved by mere words, songs or simple acts of kindness? Or even those crazy weight loss infomercials? I want to be moved. I want to be inspired. I hope for a little of both.

The older I get, I wish I had a sibling. Being an only child is tough sometimes but the cool thing, you can never be out done because you have zero competition. (sometimes I wish had a competitor)

No one in death since Princess Diana has created so much buzz and media coverage as Michael Jackson.

Happy 4th of July!

Take It or Leave It

Folks just love to hand out advice. Sometimes we want it, sometimes we want to believe it and then there are the times when we want to rip the vocal chords from the very person trying to offer the fix.

Now some advice is universal:

Live and learn.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. (I am particularly fond of this little ditty)

Tomorrow is another day.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. (I've never fully understood this one)

You get the point about universal advice - quick, mostly painless, to the point.

The other type of advice is a little more intricate but proverbial if you will:

It is not work that kills men, it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade. It is not movement that destroys the machinery, but friction. ~~Henry Ward Beecher

A loving heart is the truest wisdom. ~~Charles Dickens

To live is like to love--all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it.~~Samuel Butler

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key. ~~ The Eagles, "Already Gone"


I don't know that I give advice so much as to add encouragement or give blips of inspiration, only when asked of course. Just because my life is fucked up, doesn't mean I can't fix yours. So take it or leave it.

No Title

Some days I feel so lonely. Today is one of those days.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.
~ Mother Teresa

Happy Father's Day.

Love Story

I was watching Rocky Balboa. In one scene Rocky & Paulie visit the apartment that Rocky first walked Adrian home to. In the movie Adrian has died & every year whether on their anniversary or her birthday he relives their life. Visits the apartment, the pet store where he first saw her, takes flowers and sits by her grave. Endearing and tearful because he loved her and misses her so much. Which brings me to this blog post. What is the greatest love story ever told? One from the big screen, your parents or the one you're in? Maybe its something out of the norm, something like the love one may have for handbags, chap stick or Nikki Sixx. But I think those border on obsession. Obsession is not to be confused with love. Like a boy and his dog or a man and his car - those are love stories of sorts.

My grandmother told my granfather once - "if I die and you remarry I will sit on your head board every night". Love or slight dementia?

My greatgrandfather -once said of my great-grandmother who had passed away 8 years prior after (over) 60 years of marrirage - "I sure do you miss that woman. She was a fine woman and the love of my life". Loneliness or true love?

"They" say there is someone for all of us. We have no instruction manual or any GPS that points us toward that person. Just two people flailing around in the big world looking for something and have no idea what it is. When we find that person or they find us what story will we have to tell? A love story or a horror story?

Duh-Ooooh Over

Right now, if Robin Williams appeared to you as a blue genie and offered you a wish, but the wish was already chosen for you and it was for a life do-over would you take it? Would you undo every aspect of your entire life or only small parts? One big part or none at all? Would you study harder in school? Make the leap for college? Not smoke that first cigarette or take that first drink that led to many many more? Not make fun of the fat kid? Rekindle an old flame? Leave the shitty relationship you're in? Not have children? Have more children? Or maybe it would be something as trivial as not driving across loose sand?

I would definitely take the do-over. All those times I made my mom worry, I would undo everyone of them. When someone did something to me that I knew was wrong, I would not keep it to myself for fear of being seen as the one to blame.

All of the bad things I've seen, heard and been a part of doesn't define who I am today but are a part of me. I refuse to be a statistic but sometimes it's hard not to become a small one.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe our do-over starts then.

My First Award!

Eadyn is showing me some love!

Here are the RULES of this Award:

(1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
(2) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
(3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
(4) Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
(5) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
(6) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
(7) Leave a comment on each of the blogs, letting them know they have been nominated.


Seven things you may or may not find interesting...

1. I have broken both of my thumbs. My left thumb 3 times.
2. I still own 6 Cabbage Patch kids & can name them all.
3. I've been engaged 4 times.
4. I was born on Christmas Day.
5. When I close my eyes under the running water in the shower I am afraid a shark face will come out of the shower head.
6. I've been in 7 automobile accidents - injuries from only three.
7. I could eat Hunts Snak Pak chocolate pudding cups until the pudding comes out of my ears.

Spreading the love...

1. Driven to Distraction
2. The Fragrant Liar
3. Frank (slept here & here)
4. The Majority of Two
5. Holy Crappers
6. Eat, Bitch & Whine
7. Things Men Say

Random Thoughts 4

Why do people get married? Moral obligation? Fulfillment? Security? Love? A big party? I use to think that little gold band had magical powers and I still do. Sometimes I wish I had a little (diamond encrusted) gold band on my finger.

Why are older women who like younger men called cougars? Why not a cheetah (because they are fast)? Or a raccoon (they wash their hands before they eat)? A mole (because they are blind)?

Why do dirty old men have to be just that? I was having dinner last Sunday at a restaurant that features interim line dancing. At the cue of certain songs, the staff kicks little "jigs" all over the restaurant. One particular table in the line of firing seated two older couples - probably teetering on the age of 60 for all involved. A dirty old man in the group had a front row view of said "jiggers". As the other guests at the table pretended not to notice the jiggly body movements of young girls in tight britches, the DOM stopped mid-bite to watch. With his perfectly coiffed preacher's helmet and thick figaro style gold necklace he licked his chops, curled his lip and arched his eyebrow at the booty beside him. Assuming the lady seated by him was his grand-baby grand-mama, she was completely oblivious to the blatant eye fucking going on as she was eating her steak. I won't lie, I often window shop but I would not dare do it with my beloved sitting right beside me and I surely wouldn't set my sights on someone young enough to be my grandson even if he had the dimples of Antonio Sabato Jr., the arms of a god...or was the smitten image of Nikki Sixx. (Chanting - eyes straight ahead, hands to yourself, eyes straight ahead, hands to yourself) Why, I'm a lady (a lady who uses the word fuck alot).

Overheard at Work

I possibly had my nose where it didn't belong or in this case, my ears.

"You ain't leaving me. I love you."

You Know Who You Are...

Checking my e-mail today - I came across one from a friend that contained this:

a reminder

if i get old,
i will not give in
but if i do,
remind me of this:

remind me that
once i was free,
once i was cool,
once i was me

and if i sat down and crossed my arms,
hold me onto this song

knock me out,
smash out my brains,
if i take a chair
and start to talk shit

if i get old,
remind me of this:
one night we kissed,
and i really meant it

whatever happens,
if we're still still speaking,
pick up the phone,
play me this song

- radiohead

I promise if you get old...if you become forgetful...if you are no longer cool...if you talk shit...I will not smash your brains out but I will play this song:

~~~ I tried to make it Sunday but I got so damned depressed, that I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed. I ain't ready for the altar but I do agree there's times when a woman sure can be a friend of mine ~~~ America, "Sister Golden Hair"

Overheard in McDonald's

I took an early Saturday trip to McDonald's. After I got my iced non-fat mocha and began walking toward the door, I heard an older black lady tell a younger white woman "I said, either you are married or you are romantically involved. I could see you loved him in your smile". I turned to look at the couple and I saw it too.

"I'm lovin' it."

Saying Good-bye To Yesterday

Who has said good-bye to yesterday and why is it so hard to do so? Some say there is no good in good-bye, I beg to differ. Sometimes saying good-bye is exactly what we need to do.

To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

Good-byes breed a sort of distaste for whomever you say good-bye to; this hurts, you feel, this must not happen again. ~Elizabeth Bowen

If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me? ~Lynrd Skynrd, "Free Bird"


Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened, right? Gimme a fucking break.

Sunday Stealing (on a Monday morning): The A to Z Meme

A
• Are you available? Define available.
• What is your age? A lady never tells her age but if I had to throw a number
around-34 would do.
• What annoys you? People who chew with their mouth open.


B
• Do you know anyone named Billy? Yup.
• When is your birthday? Christmas Day.
• Who is your best friend? I have 4...Hope, Lisa, Lynn, Hoppe.


C
• What's your favorite candy? Gimme chocolate.
• Crush? Ahh yes...two of them --- Nikki & Ryan.
• When was the last time you cried? Yesterday.


D
• Do you daydream?: Day dream, night dream. I do it all.
• What's your favorite kind of dog? Basset hound - shhh, don't tell the others.
• What day of the week is it? Monday - even though I am Sunday Stealing.

E
• How do you like your eggs? Over medium - covered in grits.
• Have you ever been in the emergency room? 3 times - Emergency appendectomy, some
weird reaction to shrimp & Rolling Rock, slashed a finger-needed stitches -- all
pure talent.
• Ever pet an elephant? Yes.


F
• Do you use fly swatters? No.
• Have you ever used a foghorn? Foghorn Leghorn?
• Is there a fan in your room? Human type or cooling type? If so, I have both. If not, then I just have one or the other.

G
• Do you chew gum? Yes. Grape Hubba Bubba is the stuff.
• Do you like gummy candies? Gummy bears...only.
• Do you like gory movies? Me likey the blood & guts.


H
• How are you? Physically - my neck is sore & my face is really tender near the jaw
area, left side, like something bit me but not a bug bite. Weird. Emotionally -
spent. Mentally - exhausted.
• What's your height? 5'5 1/2"
• What color is your hair? Dark brown. Classic brunette shall we say?

I
• What's your favorite ice cream? Ben & Jerry's - Karmal Sutra
• Have you ever ice skated? Nope.
• Ever been in an igloo? Ok, no.


J
• What's your favorite Jelly Bean? Grape.
• Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke? Yes. What is green and sings? Elvis Parsley! (it's so corny but every time I get a chuckle)
• Do you wear jewelry? Earrings, two rings, necklace - every day.

K
• Who do you want to kill? The "W"...is that wrong? It has to be, but WTF ever. (and I am not talking about the former prez)
• Have you ever flown a kite? Yes.
• Do you think kangaroos are cute? Totally.


L
• Are you laidback? I use to be. There was a time...
• Lions or Tigers? Tigers.
• Do you like black licorice? No.


M
• Favorite movie as a kid? The Wizard of Oz.
• Ever shopped at Moosejaw? Gonna go out on a limb - and say no.
• Favorite store at the mall? Kirkland's


N
• Do you have a nickname? Several - Kim Buck, Kimmie Pie, Betty, Monkey.
• Whats your favorite number? 20.
• Do you prefer night or day? Night.


O
• What's your one wish? Correct change always - if it costs $1048.63. Hand goes into
pocket - out comes correct change.
• Are you an only child? Yes. Parents stopped at perfection.
• Do you like the color orange? Never thought about it - but now that I am asked -
no.


P
• What are you most paranoid about? My teeth falling out.
• Piercings? Ears. Two times.
• Do you know anyone named Penelope? No.

Q
• Are you quick to judge people? I thought no but very recently, someone told me I was a "judger".
• Do you like Quaker Oats? Nope.
• Know anyone that makes quilts? Yes. Former roommate - quilting queen.
• Do you think you're always right? In my world - yes.
• Do you watch reality TV? Love it.
• Reason to cry? I can cry on command but usually there is a "D" reason.

S
• Do you prefer sun or rain? Sun.
• Do you like snow? Yes!
• What's your favorite season? Winter.

T
• What time is it? 9:20 am
• What time did you wake up? 4:41 am

U
• Can you ride a unicycle? Never tried.
• Do you know anyone with a unibrow? A couple of fellas I work with.
• How many uncles do you have? 4? That doesn't quite sound right...but I think it's
a good solid number.


V
• What’s the worst vegetable? Turnips.
• Did you ever watch Veggie Tales? No. I am child free.
• Ever considered being vegan? Yes. I put it on my New Year's resolution list -
EVERY YEAR and I fail every year.


W
• What's your worst habit? I tend to ask too many questions & I'm pretty naive.
• Do you like water rides? Yes.
• Ever been inside a windmill? Eh, no.


X
• Have you ever had an x-ray? Yes.
• Ever used a Xerox machine? Uh, duh.


Y
• Do you like the color yellow? Um...I suppose.
• What year were you born in? 1974. Shit, I just gave away my age.
• Do you yell when you're angry? No, I cry. Refer to "Q" questions.

Z
• Do you believe in the zodiac? Eh, sometimes. Example -- I was reading someone's
zodiac to them & it contained something like - you will have to choose between K
& C. Just so happened I was the K and the ex-girlfriend was the C.
• What's your zodiac sign? Capricorn.
• When was the last time you went to the zoo? I have four dogs -- technically, I
live in one.

Voila! Your Turn

Hopeless Romantic

In our quest called life, each of us searches for something different or maybe we are all looking for the same thing. I suppose its the lucky few who find what they truly seek (over achievers). I've always said you can't have too much money and you can't be too skinny. If you have money you can buy skinny. If you are skinny, people want to give you money, well probably not, but a girl can dream. Both were my motto for years and now older and really none the wiser, I can't help to still believe a little of each are true. So, my search today focuses more on true love than anything. "And wuv, twu wuv will fowow you foweva. That dweam wifin a dweam. So tweasure your wuv."

My new favorite movie is P.S. I Love You. I imagine this will become one of those movies likened to Steel Magnolias and Pretty Woman(instant classics) - it will air on numerous TV channels (TNT, TBS, FX, A&E) on Saturday and Sunday. Repetitively, of course. The movie is uber gushing of hopeless romantic antics. I sob violently every time I watch it. Near the end of the movie a letter is read, narrated by the author of said letter in a darling Irish accent. The letter contains these sentiments ---

"....its to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me... And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life,... But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you."

*sigh*

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control."

*sigh*

Yes, I live in my own little world where the thought of a perfect love lingers. Perfect, precise and all mine. So I say this --- "Where the fuck are you?".

Where?

Do you ever observe a couple, of the man/woman coupling type, and feel a little jealous? Jealous because of the way he looks at her, holds the door for her, guides her by the small of her back, brushes the hair from her face, kisses her hands? I do and I feel it often. Then I think, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. He probably keeps her tied up in a closet in dirty sweat pants. However, these couples look damn good in the public eye.

But my point is - why must the visual of another spark some deep desire for something that I do not have? Where is my hand kisser? My back guider? The love of all loves? The one who adores me, dotes over me, loves me with every fiber of their being? The one who would die without me?

I've been dating since I was 15! I'm exhausted! Where is he?
---Charlotte York

Wednesday What?

I took the cue from That Girl from here

You wouldn't be caught dead where?: Rummaging through a discount bin at a yardsale or in white shoes after labor day.

Do you have any hidden talents?: Yes. I am a mind reader.

Name two things you consider yourself to be very good at: Cleaning and napping.

Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at: Making the first move and letting go.

Have you ever won a trophy?: Yes. Sports and academics.

Name one thing not many people know about you: That is why it is the ONE thing. Can't put it all on out on the table.

Name your earliest memory: Walking in my great-grandparents front yard in a green & orange plaid coat.

What was your favorite musical group in jr. high?: Bon Jovi!

What was something the worst roommate you ever had did?: Borrowed a Liz Claiborne bag and matching wallet from me and never gave it back.

When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?: Loretta Lynn (I know, I know)

What was your worst dating experience?: Any date that ended in a sleepover...

If you were about to die what would your last meal be?: No meal...just a strawberry pie my mom made.

Who is the most important person in you life?: I have more than one - but are important to me in very different ways. My mom & grandparents for one. And of course - that someone special for two (you know who you are).

If your house was on fire what 3 things would you grab on your way out?: My dogs, my hope chest and any other thing I could squeeze throught the front door before the flames got to me.t

When Rock n Roll Eyes Are Smiling

As I was ruling the world at my place of employment - I received a phone call from a customer letting me know he would be stopping in to make a quick purchase. I completed the necessary paperwork and waited for his arrival. My work station is near the front lobby so I can always hear the door open before I see who is coming in. As I looked up from my desk, my eyes widended, my mouth fell open & I fell out of my chair. My first thought was "he found me!" My second thought "where is my lipstick?" As I poked my head up over my desk what I saw was this - a man with black spikey rock n roll hair, that odd little flavor savor patch below his bottom lip, a black button-down shirt (resembles a mechanic's shirt), jeans, large wallet with the chain attached to his belt loop, some arm tats, sunglasses and black boots. Of course of all days for the drop in, I am found sick with some type of flu/cold bug so I wasn't looking my groupie best. The customer's name just happened to be Frank and what is Nikki Sixx's birth name? FRANK Ferrano. Coincidence?

While not the 6'3" man of my rock n roll dreams - he coulda done in a pinch. Oh how the rock god's have shone their favor down upon me.

Babies, Babies, Babies

At dinner Saturday, I was observing two small children. Both were boys with dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, dimples and well behaved. They were sitting like little men among the family enjoying their meal.

All of sudden I heard --- TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK --- I looked across the table and a friend of mine was grinning from ear to ear. Immediately in my defense I said, "whatever, I don't even like kids". Then he said "I can just see it now, you and your little girl both with your designer handbags"....

Why me? why me?

**Super Sigh**

As I made my bi-weekly pilgrimage to Wal-Mart early this morning, I found myself in the oddest moment ever. I was at the check out counter, the cashier greeted me good morning then asked me "are you a mom"? I said "no". She looked at me, turned her head slightly like a dog does when you speak to it. With her ears perked forward, she then said "really, you're not a mom"? I said "no, I'm not, well yes I am, actually I am the mother of four dogs". The mother of the year then said "I guess that counts. Happy Mother's Day". I felt mortified for not being a bearer of my own offspring. Stupid Wal-mart workers.

Oh, How I Love Thee

To be loved, one has to love their self first? What does that mean? Hold your own hand? Kiss your reflection in the mirror? Probably not. Does it mean having long and lingering dinners alone? Sending yourself roses for no reason at all? Probably not. Buying yourself ridiculousy exquisite handbags? Well, maybe. Nah, it's much more complex than that. It probably means being comfortable and happy with who you are - outwardly and inwardly - embracing all of those little weird acts of self indulgence that only you know about. Feeding our emotional, mental and spiritual needs daily.

Do you know anyone who loves their self fully and wholeheartedly? I don't, but, I still don't understand why you have to love yourself before anyone else can. I've been loved before and during those times of "befores" I am 100% sure I was not in love with or loving myself. Is loving our self only self involved or does it takes the goodness and loving acts of others to make the circle complete? Does it go without saying that loving our self is the most important relationship in our life? Like all relationships, it takes time, patience and an extra thick wallet and it will undoubtedly be worth every bit of effort in the end.

How do you love yourself?

One Word

In a book I am reading, there is a small portion that talks of choosing a word to define/sum up something. Example: New York = Achieve, Vodka = Pleasurable. As I read on, I pondered what word I would choose for myself. Sometime has passed since I've read from the page in the book and I still can't rightly decide what one word could define all that I am. Hungry popped into my head. No, not cheesecake hungry but hungry, eager for all that life has to offer. Hunger for love, a good life, happiness, wealth, wisdom, knowledge, closeness, forgiveness, losing hurt and most of all peace within myself.

What one word would you choose to define all that you are and all that wish you to become?

Sunday Stealing - The Green Meme

My first time to "steal" along...

1. What is your current obsession? Seasons past of Sex and the City.

2. What's a good coffee place? Personally, any Starbucks but the break room of where I work usually has a good crowd around 7 am.

3. Who was the last person you hugged? Danny.

4. Do you nap a lot? I like to nap on Saturday & Sunday between the hours of 1pm-4pm.

5. Tonight, what's for dinner? Dinner was "out" tonight - Outback Steak House.

6. What was the last thing you bought? Dinner - out.

7. What is your favorite weather? Super cold & rainy.

8. Tell us something about one blogger who will play this week. I am gonna go out way out on a limb and pick Rich...and the man loves an evening cocktail.

9. If you were given a free house that was full furnished, where in the world would you like it to be? Next to, in front of or behind my parent's home.

10. Name three things you could not live without. My mother, handbags, kisses on the forehead.

11. What would you like in your hands right now? Someone special.

12. What's one of your guilty pleasures? Nikki Sixx

13. What would you change or eliminate about yourself? Self doubt, believing I am the cause of so many problems.

14. As a child, what type of career did you want? Lawyer, truck driver, country music singer...I know, I know.

15. What are you missing right now? Someone special.

16. What are you currently reading? The Bitch in the House.

17. What do you fear the most? Hell.

18. What's the best movie you've seen recently? P.S. I Love You.

19. What's your favorite book from the past year? The Heroine Diaries & The Dirt

20. Is there still a comfort food from your childhood that you still enjoy? Hunts Chocolate Pudding Snack Packs & fried chicken.

Look What I Found

Early in the AM, I was trying to decipher a dream for a friend. As I was thumbing through my dream book, 1,001 Dreams, I found a piece of paper with this written on it:

My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived,
But I forget what is behind,
And I struggle for what is ahead.

Lord, help me to give to you those things I need to get over. Really give them to you, then let go and get over them today. Amen.

I had forgotten I had written this in a very low point in my life and tucked it away several years ago. Today I needed a little something and look what I have found....

Post - Do Over

Once upon a time in a life long ago, someone told me they admired me because I wasn't afraid of anything. Today, older but really none the wiser, I realize I am afraid. I am afraid of many things such as:

1. Spiders
2. Heights
3. Not being loved
4. Wearing white after Labor Day
5. Losing my teeth
6. Not getting into Heaven
7. Bad Chinese
8. Public speaking
9. My mother dying
10. Meeting Nikki Sixx and not knowing I have spinach in my teeth (actually anything other than his tongue would be a tragedy.)
11. Stone washed jeans returning to the world of fashion
12. Living my life without forgiveness for the people I have hurt or not being able to forgive the people who have hurt me

With age comes many things into our life and one of those things that is coming for me is the ability to be more careful and more insightful before I open my mouth, my heart or my hand.

Orignally posted - September '08 - Scaredy Cat

Gimme That Dollar

As I drug myself out of bed this morning at 4:45 am, I couldn't help but wonder who was I really getting out of bed for. That got me to thinking about money and how the majority of us chases that little green monster called the dollar which snowballs into chasing another and another. Some of us are lucky enough to catch one, others not so much. Usually by the time I have caught one it's already spent. I don't live above my means. My car and home are modest. I don't get regular mani/pedi's and it doesn't cost a fortune to get my hair done (not yet anyway). The only splurge I have is handbags. My former bag purchase routinely was two new glorious pieces a year. Last year I was able to eek out five fantastic couture handbags. In my mind that means I have arrived. I am no longer confined to hoarding mad cash, pacing back and forth in front of a glass case to not so eagerly hand it over to a woman wearing a starched black suit, in school marm shoes with a perfect coiffure. I can leisurely browse and then buy when the new season's styles roll in (in a fit of fury, of course). Crazy for some. Completely sane for others.

So who do I work for? Louis Vuitton? Kate Spade? Nah, I do it all for myself...

Little Nikki

As many of you may know I have a thing for rock stars. Well, just one really. Okay, maybe two or three but my heart and other body organs lies with just one. Black hair, tattoos, massive amounts of eyeliner, leather, chains and a jewelry collection that would make a man of God cry is my trend of rocker. As I've allowed myself to leave the world of Motley Crue just to dip my toes into the realm of other screamers, I've discovered Papa Roach. And what to my discovering eyes should appear? A vision in black with tattooed ears. The lead guy, Jacoby Shaddix, closely resembles Nikki Sixx. Surely I thought this some type of trickery, a back-up Nikki? It only gets better from there (sans his wife and kids). He is 18 years Nikki's junior which puts us in the same age box. Just look at his sweet little fingers - already tattooed with LOVE. Oh how the heaven's have shone down on me and now have lit the way. *sigh*

"Don't worry Nikki, I would never stray from you, you have my heart and I have your eyeliner"...

Tickety Tockety

The world turns regardless of any quandary in my life. Circular and floating she spins right on schedule. Would I really want the the world to stop and witness my life falling apart? Not even sure I would want it stop and watch it come together. Thus brings me to my thought today - a family member of mine (10 yrs younger than I) just found out today she is "expecting". While I should be happy for her (and I am) I can't help but feel innately jealous. I don't know why jealousy finds me as often as it does, but it rears its little green head more often than not. I have the same equipment as my cousin does but have chosen not to take it out of the box. In short, I've kept it hidden in my closet with my baseball card collection, circa 1992. The likeness between the two - the players no longer play the game and my uterus never got off the bench. So I make this statement to myself as I round third base and head toward home plate, - "Oh my, you are so not ready to have a child or oh yes, the time is now".

Ever notice the similarity between a uterus and home plate? Coincidence? I think not.

I Use To Be A Ms.'s

My cell phone rang, I answered it. On the other end of the line was my auntie. Dear, sweet auntie Dianne. She said she was just calling to tell me that she was wearing the dress that she wore to my wedding some years back. Why she deemed it necessary to do so I didn't ask but I thanked her gladly for calling and dredging up a painful memory. Not that I had to dig to far down to find it, but that is not the point. My mind allows me to think of my days of being a bride more than it should. It needs not a piece of clothing to sling me into fits of remembrance.

I was married roughly 3 years. I use the term roughly because I was "released" two weeks shy of my third wedding anniversary. Being "released" has been the gift that has kept on giving. It has kept on giving me sleepless nights, itchy fingers sifting through old photos and plenty of thoughts of what might have been. In case your wondering, I am no longer in love with former groom and no longer in awe with the idea of being a Ms.'s either. The former groom has moved on and if I am a favorite in the eye of God, is living miserably and uncomfortably with his new wife. I know I shouldn't wish dire unhappiness upon someone but I believe its warranted in this case due the fact that he sent me directly into a life filled further with self-doubt and self-hatred. I did learn to pick my own battles. I also learned that cooler heads prevail in any situation, but I would never dare say thank you to former groom for those gifts or would I?

"Thank you, thank you very much for all you have given to me".

Do I Have Plenty?

En route to a social function today I passed the Harley Davidson store. As soon as it was in site I thought of Uncle Steve, a biker of sorts. He is not necessarily today my uncle, as he and my mother's sister divorced many years back, but in my mind he will always be Uncle Steve. The thought of him threw me into thoughts of his mother, Ms. Miller, who passed away a couple of years ago in a car accident. As I thought of her passing I pondered Uncle Steve's ties to Alabama and how he doesn't really have any anymore. If I lived in Maine and my mother passed away (whom still lives in the deep south) I would never pass this way again. Once more I thought of Ms. Miller. She had three children, 7 grand kids and possibly as many great grand kids. The reason for the wonderment was did she live/have a full life because of her family? As I thought about this longer than I should, I wondered if my life was going to be lackluster in the end because I didn't spread my proverbial seed. My stand on having children teeters between having none and having one, maybe two (the old fashioned way).

While at my social soiree, a couple had brought their children. One of the kids was a 13 month old girl. Too cute for words really. I held this little human, shared crackers (that she thought I also needed to eat, so we both had crackers all over our face), fed her a jar of pears, oooh'd and aahhh'd as she cooed while being tickled and swung onto my hip like a spider monkey. In doing all of this I thought of the hyporcrite I really am. If someone asks me why I don't have kids, I simply say "I don't like them" or "ack, I mow my own grass", but if you had seen me in motion with munchin in question, you would have thought that little girl was mine. Is that wrong?

I wonder if I never have children, will I have plenty in my life?

Tolerance

Yesterday I thought indifference was the worst thing in a relationship. Today I think it's tolerance. What makes one person lose their cool may keep another at bay. I'd say I am very tolerant. Tolerant of many things such as bad hair days, Nikki Sixx & Kat Von D's relationship, the evening news - and many people - Wal-Mart employees, bad drivers and Kat Von D. Will there come a time in my life when I say "enough is enough", when my tolerant stand becomes limited?

Is tolerance a good trait to have? The verdict is still out.

Me Thinks - More Random Thoughts & Ideas

Alas, the mind needs to go awry and the fingers must jolt into action...

Is there just ONE for every someone?

Why does it take so long to find that ONE?

Does happily ever after really exist?

Were the Allman Brothers stoned when they wrote Melissa?

Who determined red was a power color?

Why is the mullet called a mullet, why not a grouper? (the haircut, not the fish)

Why did Eve have to eat that stupid apple? (stupid girl, stupid head, I hate apples)

Always waiting for tomorrow, why can't it happen today?

Will "big hair" return? For those who do not understand history are destined to repeat it?


Light, inhale, roll the flavor, exhale...ahhhhhh.

Life Begins Anew

Today in a cold examining room I pillaged through a candy bowl chocked fill of mini Snicker and Twix chocolates. Next to the bowl was a short stack of books. I quickly scanned the titles and chose a book titled The Meaning of Life by Bradley Trevor Greive. The book, small and green, was filled with silly pictures of animals with great inspiration written beneath each picture. As I began to read through the book, not yet inspired, discovered the book offered "punches" to help you begin the life you have so sought. The very one that you put on the back burner. As I continued to read my chest puffed up a little and my hunched over position became a little taller and thought I can surely put into motion what I really want to do. Then I happened across a page with this question --What do you truly love? -- I couldn't answer the question. Assuming the answer is different for everyone and deeper than a new handbag or John Stamos' hair, I felt lost. Another kuwinkidink about finding this book was that someone just recently made this comment to me and I quote "it seems like I am always waiting for my life to begin". What do you say to that? When does our life begin? At our first breath or is it when we discover that every second that ticks away brings us closer to our unavoidable fate and then realize this is OUR life, it's gonna roll by pretty quick, so do what you love, love what you do, if you know what that love is?

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose". - Robert Byrne

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet". -- Emily Dickinson

"Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours"? --- Roy H. Williams

"He who has nothing to die for has nothing to live for". ---- Morrocan Proverb

Words

The English dictionary is full of fun words that I rarely use. Either the definition doesn't fit the situation or I have forgotten the word all together. One word that I rarely use but is fun to say because of the pronunciation is indicative [in-dik-uh-tiv]. When this word rolls of my tongue, I must say I feel quite educated even though its not really an educated word. Another word is miff(mĭf) or miffed. I actually used this particular word this morning due to a co-worker assuming because I didn't watch the news I couldn't carry on a conversation about a current event involving NFL players and a boat - der der der, I thought as I strapped on my pink safety helmet.

Medicinal [muh-dis-uh-nl] is a very good term when you are attempting to explain the gallon of vodka seat belted in your back seat, use of it even makes you sound smarter than you really are. However, trying to say medicinal while inoxicated may sound something like "maydidinkul".

Finally that brings me to googootz [guh-goo-tz], slang Italian term of endearment meaning zucchini and gabbagool [gah-bah-goo-uhl], which is guido speak for dried capicola -- "Hey Vito, you fat googootz, did you eat my gabbagool?".

Broaden your literary loquaciousness and use some new words!

I Do!

The arena was full. The crowd was buzzing and ready. The lights went down & the curtain came up. *Thump, thump, thump, thump* Pyrotechnics began and the crusaders of the glam metal revolution appeared. Nikki to the left, Tommy in the middle, Vince everywhere & Mick "Fucking" Mars to the right. The music was loud and the views on the big screen were raunchy as ever.

I never sat down, screamed, cried, fake whistled, jumped up down for two hours and was exhausted. As I was pondering leaving, a uniformed man with a flashlight tapped my shoulder and said come with me. He led me through the crowd, to the back of the stage. At the back of the stage was a curtain. He drew the curtain to one side and there it shone in all its glory ---- the biggest, blinging skull and cross bone ring I had ever seen. I asked "what is this all about?". The man pointed to the ring and said "go to it". I moved toward the ring and noticed a note and recognized the handwriting immediately. The note read "Kimberly, you've waited for this moment for a long time and the time is now. Wear this ring and I will call you onto the stage in a moment. Be ready. XOXO Nikki". I swooned for a moment and gained my composure. I teased my hair and applied fresh lipstick. Then I heard the voice and I was called onto the stage. A spotlight shone on both of us as Nikki got down on one knee and asked me "will you apply my black eyeliner for the rest of your life?". Nervously but very enthusiastically I said "fuck yes!!". The crowd roared as Mick rocked us out to Here Comes the Bride.

Then, I woke up....

Tips Of Her Fingers

Once upon a time in a placed filled with debauchery and chaos there was a girl, Stacy, who lived a big hair dream. The big hair dream involved black hair dye, lots of Aqua Net and the desire for a man with the name of Sixx. One day the box office opened and tickets for a grand gala went on sale. As Stacy sold her favorite leather pants autographed by Yngwie Malsteen and her fanciest skull ring, she stood in line to purchase tickets for the grand gala. While in line she met another girl, Tracy, vying for the love of the man with the name of Sixx. As they both approached the front of the box office line the competitiveness grew. They each began to tease their hair to the heavens, apply more black eyeliner and expose their Too Fast For Love tattoos. Just as they were about to close in on the front of the line Stacy quickly pointed in the opposite direction and shouted "Vince Neil!", Tracy unknowing this act of trickery looked in that direction as she did that Stacy bolted to the ticket office window and purchased the last front row concert seat available. Tracy, clearly unhappy, began to spew obscenities at Stacy and tear at her fish net stockings exposing an entire body tattoo of the man with the name of Sixx. Stacy smiled smugly and said "girl, don't go away mad, girl just go away" as she crawled into her 1981 Trans Am and sped off.

Resist This

I was listening to a song and one verse in this particular song suddenly stood out to me "there are somethings in life you should resist". Quickly the wheels began to turn. What in our lives should we resist? Drugs, sex and rock n roll because they all could lead to much darker situations? Because their the devil's hands? Bad advice which from my experience is always taken over the good? Pass on the extra gravy and have another helping of the bland veggies? Finding temptation is never hard due to the fact it finds me but resisting said temptation is when the brow really begins to sweat. When you think about it, most things we enjoy are sinful and we knowingly enjoy them over and over, never minding the price we may have to pay later. Why is being bad so much easier than being good? Example: being fat is so much easier than being skinny and we all know that gluttony is a sin, but we continually shovel in bite after bite because it tastes good, feels good. Another area where restraint should be practiced is bad relationships. Even if there is one inkling the person might be detrimental to our health, we throw caution to the wind and head right on in. Why not? Its all about living in the moment right? Why do we not protect ourselves as we should? Is resistance the same as perseverance or is perseverance the same as no resistance? Either way, its a crap shoot, just roll the dice.

Romeo, Romeo...

Is it wrong that I have a "crush" on a rock n roll bassist, that has a girlfriend, is 16 years older than me, has 4 biological kids and is potentially sober? Personally, I think I am too old for any type of crush. But, because (in my mind) he deserves to be blogged about and blogged about often...(sigh).

More, More, More

Often we let people in our lives define who we are. Not always a bad thing, say if you are parent, alas I am not a parent but I feel I let people play a huge role in who I am and who I have become. I'd like to think I can control my future and allow myself to be the person I've always wanted to be. What person is that you ask? Someone who would be missed if they left this world too soon, someone who inspires and brings out the best in others, a problem solver, a question creator, someone who had more friends and family than she knew what to do with, someone who would be remembered as kind and loving or just someone who would be remembered at all. All simply obtainable or so I think. Our road in life is short when we think about it in years but is awfully long when we think about the strife and struggles along the way. People who hurt you have a way of making your days long. They also have a way of seeping into your mind at night to let you know that you are worthless and are a waste of space. As strong as we pretend we are, we let the very person who professes their immortal love for us - break us. How does that happen? Why do we let it happen?

Words are a powerful thing and I await the day when I can hold my head up and say "there is more to me than you".

Food For Thought

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" - Mary Manin Morrissey

Examine This

"An unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates

A college instructor pitched this quote to me. Karl Eulenstein was the name and making students his prodigies was his game. He threw it at me circa 1993'ish (before the convenience of Google) and said to me "who said it and explain the meaning". I immediately gave our senior librarian (Google back in the day) a $5 bill and begged "please, for the love of God, help me"! Our librarian had a very close resemblance to Don King, not quite as boisterous, possibly gay and he gave me back my $5 bucks even after he did the footwork. As I was sharing my find with Mr. Eulenstein and offering to him what I thought the quote meant, pleased, he then threw at me what are the two most important things in life? How easy I thought this to be - I "immediately offered family and God", "love and God"? He countered "come on Kim, you can do better than that". I never got that little project right by my own accord - he said the two most important things in life were power and wisdom. Now, a decade and a half later, I understand better of what importance each are.

What does the Socrates quote say? I believe it says you have to live your life by trying new things, all things. Things that are normal, scary, hard, easy, crazy, straight and over the top. To choose our destinations and make those difficult choices. If we set back and watch the world pass, afraid to get our feet wet or not jumping in, worrying what the outcome may or may not be, we'll never be fulfilled therefore in the eyes of Socrates, our life was not worth living.

Go examine yourself, your life...just do it.

For the Love of the Bag

Tonight I was having dinner with a wonderfully honest person. As we carried on about our current relationships, he divulged to me that his lover was going to have a Botox procedure done. Naturally I inquired of the cost and the most amazing words came from my friend's mouth - "you don't need Botox, you don't have one wrinkle on your face, really you don't have one". As I rose a bit higher in my seat, I adjusted my "girls" and thought this very comment deserves some type of purchase. My thought process of what to purchase did not fade or hasten because I had just received the latest catalog from one of my favorite fashion merchandisers. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew exactly where it was. Time was running out for the evening so I quickly dashed into the department store. I walked to a very clean glass case and pointed to item of desire. As the associate placed it into my hand I read her name tag - "Helen" - what a beautiful name and she spoke in a foreign tongue, possibly Russian. I coddled the item in my hands and I was enamored by the scent of leather all around me. My feet rose from the tiled floor and I felt forever in love. Helen directed me to her counter and I quickly paid for my large hobo pebble grain leather Dooney & Bourke bag. It is crimson red with a rich brown trim, the strap short and fits oh so comfortabley and favors a horse bridle. Helen placed my new child into a dust bag and then handed it off to me. As I turned to walk away she said that she could tell I was special and then uttered "zee bag makes uh da ladee".

Another Morsel

Life is not fair, life is not free. But it all seems a little less harsh when we are truly happy.

Ode to Jenny

For my 30ish something birthday this past December, my friend Jenny, gave me a gift. The gift I received from her hand to my back porch was a book titled Eat, Pray, Love. The book has now been in my possession since mid December. Unopened and unread before now, tonight I turned the first page. As I embark through this literary journey I will keep your very situation along with mine in the forefront. As I feel I am going to relive most of my painful past caused by failed relationships and other situations to dark to recount here, I too, will ponder yours. Thank you Jenny for all you have been. I wish you healing and hope like you have never imagined. Because "its not waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"...I love you.

Who Knew?

Days come and go. Weeks pass. Years, too, soon fly by. Where do all the moments go? And seconds? One, including myself has to wonder if these increments of time ever existed at all. Would it be cool to watch an instant replay of our life and to only highlight the important events? A condensed version which also includes our mistakes? Who wants to watch us make our mistakes? Our enemies? Maybe our step-mothers who we hate dearly in return? Is life to short to hate anyone? I once received a fortune in one of those delectable crispy cookies you receive after eating a less fortunate Chinese buffet. It read "no one is important enough to make you angry". I've held on to that piece of paper for 4 years just waiting for the right moment to reach down inside of me and bring it to the top. But I, being of sound mind and body, do tend to let that very thing happen daily. I get angry at/with people and I get angry often. An important person in my life recently received this fortune "all of your answers are right in front of you". I thought, how consequential, since I were sitting in front of them. I thought of the responsibility this little piece of paper had bestowed upon me. What could I do to bring this to fruition? Is it fate? Destiny? Coincidence? All of the above? Life has a funny way of bringing people together or tearing them apart. Things happen. People happen. I only hope that I can be exactly what life has predetermined of me because I believe IT knows best.

Something To Blog About

There comes a time in everyone's life when they are faced with a "do or die" situation. That is do it or die, not do it or dye it. Sometimes the same situation is called piss or get off the pot, sink or swim or it's now or never. So extreme don't you think? Never any middle ground to be found in a 36 mile radius. So what predicament would require such a quick action? Hmmm, how about using the men's room when the women's is full or vice versa? When you gotta, you gotta right?
Or how about muttering those three little words to see where you stand in a relationship regardless of the response? How about saying the other three little words to get out of the very relationship you wanted in? It's all so stupid and it's a very expensive game and my bank account is nearly overdrawn.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom".

Fate As It Is

A friend and I were discussing our present lives this morning. Highlighting some important issues at hand she offered me a savory little morsel that I couldn't dare pass up, she said "fate is a bitch". After consuming said item, I realized she couldn't be more right. The definition of fate is below:


Fate
noun, verb, fat⋅ed, fat⋅ing.
–noun

1. something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune;

2. the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is
presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events;

3. that which is inevitably predetermined;

4. a prophetic declaration of what must be;

5. death, destruction, or ruin.

One never knows what is lying in wait for them but when it jumps up and slaps you in the face what do you with it? Fight it or apply ointment to then affected area?

Sing Along Time

Sometimes in life you hear a verse from a song and it might be right for the moment or it might just sweep you back to a memory you have tried to forget. I was sitting at my desk this morning and I heard:

Easy by the Commodores

'Know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain,
Girl, I'm leavin' you tomorrow,
Seems to me girl you know I've done all I can,
You see I've beg, stole and I've borrowed.

Verse is very fitting for right now. Then I pondered some other verses that might fit as well:

Foolish Heart by Steve Perry

Feelin that feelin again
Playin a game I can't win
Love's knockin on the door
Of my heart once more
Think I'll let her in
Before I begin

Scars by Papa Roach

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand

And then I thought, "who the fuck comes up with this stuff?"

Writer's Blawg

Stardate - 01/25/2009

Some days I wonder how I made it out of bed on other days. Is that wrong? Is it right? Probably a little of both. Wrong as in I shouldn't live in the past. Right as in it keeps me thinking. So basically it's just thinking about the past. Most people tend to get ahead or not make as many mistakes by thinking. Turns out to be just the opposite for me. No thinking allowed here. Let me jump right in and I'll deal with the consequences later. Never works out if you are wondering. Either the cut doesn't work for my face shape, 12 is a really high number when you are doing shots of peppermint schnapps or that sweet little boy wasn't really all that sweet. I can't say that its been all bad but I tend to relive the bad moments more so than the good. I'd like to throw frozen packs of sausage at positive people just to see how they can turn it into a life affirming situation but then I'd just feel like an idiot. I'd like to pray for a break but I don't think you are supposed to pray for things such as that. I remember praying for my first pair of Tretorns. I just knew if I got them I'd rule the world. Well, the Tretorns finally showed up but there was no world ruling going on because then I prayed for skinniness. Always wanting more and never satisfied with what I had. Turns out to be my life story...

Scuh-Reem

Someone once told me about primal scream therapy. I decided to give it a shot. I walked into my closet and shut the door. I grabbed my hanging clothes and screamed into them thinking my shrieking might be muffled just a bit from the nearby neighbors. I felt no relief. Method says the louder the better. I gave it one final try. Nope, no immediate relief here. Now I have a sore throat and all 4 of my dogs are puttering around with earplugs. I pondered all the different types of therapy. Electro-shock therapy, probably not going to work out for me. Hypnosis, too skeptical. Frontal lobotomy, too evasive. Group therapy, umm, no. After my small amount of research, I'm thinking good old fashioned alcohol will be the ticket. I understand that a night with the bottle is just that, a night, unless you indulge too much and it still follows you around the next day. I realize my problems will still be around after my one night stand but can you really put a price on kicking at air or mentally kicking the ass of whatever is troubling you all over town? I think not. Cheers.

Random Words

Sometimes a restless minds comes into play. Usually it shows up when some rest or sleep is really needed. Tonight is one of those times. With that said, here are some of the things running around the playground upstairs...

Why does there have to be change?
Does anyone really change?
Is change good?
Does true love really exist?
Skinny people should be force fed pre-packaged cake icing
Were the 80's really so bad?
I don't know what to do with my hands
Is Chelsea Handler really 33?
Will I be a good mother?
Will I die alone?
Define: "having it all"
Walk, walk, walk, walk
Can I make anything last beyond 5 years?
I wonder if anyone found my promise ring?
Clean base boards
Gracie needs a bath
Go see your dad
Send thank you notes
I have so many books to read
Can you be trusted?
Will you be anything but mine?

"Now I lay me down to sleep....zzzzzzzzzzzzz".

Fine Line

Ever wonder how we get ourselves into certain situations? Situations such as car accidents, jobs we hate or various relationships? Why are somethings so hard to leave when other things are so very easy to get into? Or why somethings we can put right behind us and other things we think about every day, every minute? Always struggling, pushing, pulling, clawing and scratching our way to the top to get something we want only to discover to upon arrival it was nowhere near what we thought it would be. How much pain and disappointment does one have to endure in their life to eventually get something that was worth the hurt? From experience, I will say mountains and I am so fucking tired of he pain, the climbing and not knowing what any outcome will be and I haven't even left the trauma ward. I will say officially that nothing in this life will come free and most definitely nothing will ever be fair. So does it go without saying that life, my life, your life, our life is a beautiful struggle? Beautiful, maybe. Struggle, without a doubt. Both are a fine line and I see that fine line slowly being erased.


"I've had to fight like hell and fighting like hell has made me who I am".
-John Arbuthnot

No Title

Lately I've been pondering the relationships of people I am surrounded by every day. Family, friends, lovers, co-workers and even the Fed Ex delivery guy. Obviously our family is our family just because that is the way is. We didn't choose them nor did they choose us. Sometimes I find this fact a blessing other times I realize it is a curse. As for the other people in my life, excluding the Fed Ex guy, I have chosen them of my own accord. Now, what makes us choose certain individuals to become intertwined in our lives? Could it be common hair or eye color? Their laugh? The way they walk or talk? Because they understand the relationship of mayonnaise with field peas? Or maybe it is simply because they get giddy right along with you when you hear the phrase "Wonder Twin power, activate!". Whatever the cause may be sometimes your choice is dead on, other times not. They may hold your hand through a crisis or slap you right back into reality. Whatever the reason, many people of different shapes, colors and attitudes will come into our lives and sometimes they will leave just as quickly as they came. What we choose to do with them once they have landed is entirely up to us.